Tag: self-love

Hearing my voice again…

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Suppleness Of The Moment, photography by Dolores Juhas (http://dolores-juhas.tk)

It is cold today.  The kind of cold that conjures to the mind apple orchards, pumpkin pie, and children running around in costumes.  It’s that kind of weather today, and I am sitting outside.  Perhaps I shouldn’t be.  Perhaps I should go inside.  I won’t though.  At least, not until I have finished enjoying the feeling of being outside.

Living in the moment is an art form.  Being able to say “Yes, I will acknowledge you” to the goings-on around and within you is not easy.  It takes time to soothe the fear of the unknown known, or to learn how to live comfortably with it.  I believe it is a lifelong self-dialogue.  Today, I was able to give an affirmative to myself when I felt the desire to sing and play guitar.  I worked through the fear of having others overhear me, or being disruptive, or sounding like crap, or whatever.  I am glad for it.

Singing today brought about the realization that I have long missed this mode of expression.   To find the right sound, the right words that reach within to evoke all that is so very difficult to state in regular speech, or in poetry, or in stories…

The sound of my voice has changed over the years.  It is more  melancholic, darker…still, I hear that clarity of old, which is something about which I can smile.

Now, if I could only sing like this… 😉 piano…piano

Until Next Time!

Best,

D.

 

Self-portrait by Dolores Juhas. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Photographs are by Croatian photographer, Dolores Juhas, whose work has been featured in such magazines as Italian Vogue.  You can visit her website at http://www.dolores-juhas.tk or email her: d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk.  She has her own blog at http://themax.bloger.hr

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Fruit stands, and why I choose not to date…

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Rome, romance…They would seem to go hand-in-hand.  Taking a look at the multitude of tourists who are perma-grinning all over the place all the time here, perhaps they do.  For me, romance is something I am choosing do without (as mentioned in a posting a couple of days back).

It isn’t just the need to focus on my well-being.  It is simply the craziness (to me) of it all.  I have found that dating doesn’t seem to quite exist here.  Many people either seem to be looking for an interesting fling/story…or they are ready to have you cooking and cleaning their houses (notice, I didn’t say marry…because, for some that is not quite what they have in mind). At this point, you may be wondering, D, why on earth are you thinking about this?

(I was attempting to find a video on attraction.  I found Yanni instead.  Makes me smile :))

The answer is that I went to buy some tangerines at the fruit stand today.  What?  Yes, it all happened at the fruit stand, where I was openly solicited by a handsome twenty-two year old, who was being actively encouraged by his older brother to ask me out.

Anyway, after laughing off the matter and abruptly extricating myself from the situation, I went home and began to think about my “dating” experiences in Rome.

And honestly, I haven’t really “dated” here in Rome.  I have met some very interesting people.  Half of whom were too young and looking for a mother/caregiver/advisor person.   The other half were older and looking for someone to dominate and exoticize.  Suffice to say, I saw through all of that easily enough, and have thus remained single.

More importantly, however, these experiences and this episode made me realize that I needed to ask myself a serious question: That is, just what is it within me that is attracting these types of people?  After all, there must be something that I am seeking to have so many of the same types of people come my way.  I am quite positive that there are many eligible, single, socially adaptable, independent, successful, internally and externally attractive people out there in the world.  So, what exactly is going on with me?

Some people may say, Well, D, you are a strong woman.  And strong attracts weak. And to those people, I will say, perhaps you are right, but I am willing to wait for the universe to present me with someone who can recognize the balance of strength and weakness within himself or herself and in others.

So, Mr. Young Fruit Stand Man, thanks but no thanks…I’ve learned this lesson too many times already.  🙂

Until Next Time!

Best,

D.

 

P.S. Excellent quote I found on ViewOnBuddhism.org:

“When we accept the way things are we are able to love everything and everybody. When we are not able to accept even one thing in this world right now, then how could we ever develop boundless love? Lack of acceptance is conflict. Conflict is pain. It is psychological pain. It is a spiritual illness. As long as our hearts are tormented by that pain, we do not have the strength to give our heart to anything and because of that it is impossible to bring about inner awakening. Enlightenment, you see, is just another name for boundless love.

It is almost impossible to practice loving-kindness towards all living beings without addressing, in a meaningful way, the innumerable problems arising in our own lives. It is a contradiction, you see. It does not work. If our heart is tormented because we are not able to accept things the way they are, then it is impossible to open our heart. It is impossible to let go of all of our defenses and embrace others. Therefore we have to constantly practice and deepen our awareness. We have to remind ourselves to accept things as they are. This is pretty much what the teachings called Mind Training are all about. Mind Training in Buddhism is about carrying those perspectives and even reciting slogans, phrases like “I shall accept the way things are.” Anam Thubten, No Self, No Problem

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AMBW… What??

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I have a tendency towards researching things.  Yes, I am a bit obsessive.  However, when I speak or write about a topic, I like to be as well-informed as possible.  In my last posts, you may have noticed that I have been using information from Asian countries, i.e. expats living in Asian countries like Japan and Korea.  I have been researching on YouTube what it is like for Black women to live in countries where they are a perceivable minority…Little did I know that this research would lead to…

Apparently, there is a growing celebration of interracial relationships between Asian Men and Black Women.  I had no idea.  Of course, I think it is brilliant that people of different ethnic/racial/religious/etc.  can and want to get together.  I am, however, a bit concerned by the seeming exoticism of it all…

I know in my life, I have tried to stay clear from people who are seeking to be in a relationship with me because they have a prepared plan of only dating Black women, because Black women are x, y, and z…,or who are seemingly fixated on my cultural background.  So, I am uncertain as to what is happening here with this AMBW push.

More importantly, I have noticed that there are even virtual battles that are being waged about the beauty of Black women and where we stand on the beauty standard totem pole…And according to some, we are at the bottom.  There are even some arguments that Asian men and Black women should get together, because we are both on bottom in terms of desirability…And I am like (yes, I wrote “like”), “What??!!”

Have I missed the boat here?  Was there some big thing that happened culturally that I wasn’t aware of it?  It’s true that I don’t watch television, listen to the radio, avoid newspapers and magazines.  So, it is quite possible.  When, however, did minorities exoticizing other minorities become in vogue.

(Very good YouTube video that addresses this issue. Video by Charly in Korea)

 My apologies for the tirade, but…

Until Next Time.

Best,

D.

P.S.  This guy is just too much :D…

 (“Interracial Dating – Korean Guy’s Perspective”

by famousamos on YouTube)

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In Absence of Loc’s…

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Almost two years ago, I sat on the floor in my bedroom, staring at a propped up full-length mirror.  My eyes were red and stinging from crying.  My ex was staring at me with concern.  I am not sure where the dogs were, and it’s quite possible that they were there too.  It was Thursday.  It was evening.  It was Thanksgiving Day.  It was also the beginning end.October 1999.  Stanford-in-Berlin Program.  It was the day before we left to travel as a group to Weimar to visit Buchenwald and to see the Bauhaus School of Art & Design.  I sat in the darken closet space in the library/loft bedroom that served as my home for a semester.  My hands were moving silently and quickly trying to unravel, trying to untangle the part of myself that was false.

They weighed 2.5 lbs.  My dreadlocks.  Long, black, streaked red, interwoven with the hairs of those whom I had loved and still loved.  I placed them in a large wooden box, buried them with the things that once belonged to that which was now lost.  I buried the box under boxes, the memories hidden from my sight, my head free and light, even if my heart was fully empty.

I shoved the engineered strands that once formed plaits, that once gave me an image of who I wanted to be but was not.  I decided then, thirteen years ago, to accept the image of myself that stood:  dark circled eyes, lips too big, cheeks puffy, pimpled face, brooding, always too hungry and never fully satisfied even after consuming anything and anyone.  I had been living in a vaccuum catering to my illusions and fostering my disillusionment with the world around me.

The screaming voice, terrified in its inaction, broke my heart.  The words did not make sense, but then again they did.  Drop everything and run.  Dropped everything and ran to my car, open the door and drove speedily on curved roads.  It wouldn’t have changed anything.  It changed nothing.  Death happens sometimes in an instant.  There is nothing to be done. Whether it is the warmth of the cooling body that lays still beneath touch of a palm roughed and ruined by age and care.  In absence of signs of either life or death, there is neither hope nor grief.

“Bend or Break,” photography by Diedré M. Blake (2010)

Going against the grain.  It’s what I do best.  After I came out to my mom in 1996 as a lesbian, I immediately started dating men, resulting in memories best forgotten and the decision that all men were bigs…I’ve changed my mind about that…somewhat.  It’s doing the unexpected that make life worth living.  At least, you know that you are choosing and not someone else.So, I decided to resign from my job just when I was eligible for indpendent licensure.  I decided to leave the country that served as my home for twenty-odd years to move to place where I didn’t speak the language, had nothing and no one.  I decided to cut my hair just when I began to recognize myself in the mirror.

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Until Next Time…

Best,

D.

Resolutions…resolve (Part 2)

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(Yeah, I flipped the title)

So, here they are.  Let me know what you think! 🙂

D’s List of the Turn-around Ten

1. Address the health issue.  What does that mean?  As much as I hate to admit it, it means losing the weight that I have managed to regain.  It’s not much, but I dislike talking about and thinking about weight-related issues, especially given my area of specialization in therapy.  On the other hand, I am human and would love to be able share this aspect of my human experience without judging myself.   It’s not just the issue of weight, but there are a host of other things I need to get under control, such as actually finding myself a doctor here in Rome.  I suppose I have been in a bit of denial that my life is actually rooted here now.  Getting my own medical team together to help me with fibromyalgia is really about the last step before I finally see myself as officially living here. Completed.

2. Abstain from dating.  That’s right, I am still single…and still loving it.  😉  Every now and again, however, I have managed to allow myself to date someone briefly.  As nice as dating and all of those emotional things are, for me, they get in the way of my accomplishing some personal goals (like making time to write) and also interfere with resolution number one (like eating better and treating my body well).  So, no-no to that.  😉 Partially Completed

3. Maintain my GPA.  This might read a bit strange, but it’s very important to me.  Currently, I have a 4.0 and two scholarships at my university.  Um… Given issues surrounding my health, stress from emotional drama, and other issues, I have not been able to function as I would like in school.  That is, I have been too ill be to attend more often than not.  It is beginning to remind me of my most dark period when I was working and found myself too ill to work.  Thus, no matter what, the goal is to ensure that I get out of this semester 4.0 intact. Yes, I’ll be holed up in my room or at the uni library…such is life. 🙂 Partially Completed.

4. Make space for friends. Yeah, I suck.  Yes, you read it here first, and can feel free to repeat it, because I am about to do so–I suck.  I know I have acquaintances and friends.  I see that I have a list of some hundreds of people on my Facebook account, a bunch of contacts on my LinkedIn, and some folks even here.  I look at my phone and I recognize that I have an actual contact list with people’s names on it…not just the auto-dial numbers for my cellphone service.   So, why don’t I spend time with them?  Well, the reason is twofold:  one, I hate feeling as though I am imposing on other people’s time (childhood issue), and two, I am often sick (see task number 1 of this list), involved in emotional drama (whether my own or someone else’s), and am busy with studying. Ongoing.

5. Work and save.  I have to write this.  I really miss having a steady income.  I miss knowing exactly how much money I would have coming to me at the end of the month–it’s not a small thing.  As an adult, and I suppose I can consider myself one now at 34, it’s not easy matter to try live on limited resources.  Furthermore, taking the step that I did (which I do not regret for an instance) to come to Italy meant relying upon savings.  Thus, of course, it would make sense that my savings is quite depleted.  But as they say, once you are at the bottom, you can always climb to the top.  So, with what I make before paying anyone else, I shall have to pay myself first (my mother taught me that). 😉 Ongoing.

  Hahaha!  Right! 😀

 6. Work and pay.Yup, isn’t it lovely?  Like many others, I have bills, bills, and more bills.  Try moving your life to another country…you will find that it will mean bills, bills, and more bills–at least, until you’ve got yourself settled into a job, which I do not.  For all intents and purposes, I am a student, and work as a student when I can.  The plan, however, is to pay off at least one of my major bill by the end of the year, and to make the others more manageable.  Enough said on that. Completed.

7. Write.  It’s a bit scary to write, but I’ve got a story that I believe in, and for which I have been unable to make time due to the issues involved in the first six resolutions.  So…if one my main points in life is that I want to be a writer–no, not want to be, I am a writer–then I need to write…not just that story, but also this blog and all the other places to which I put my thoughts. So, the goal?  To write at least two-three solid chapters.  I am not pushing my luck to think in terms of numbers of pages.  I’ve already stated that I will be updating this blog at least weekly to update about my progress. Completed.

8. Paint and other creative stuff. I sometimes forget that I have a degree in painting.  I forget that I love to draw people’s faces and to express in this creative manner.   I forget, too, that knitting and crocheting soothe me.  I forget that I have a classical guitar that’s been leaning against my desk for over a year.  I forget that I like to sing and write songs… I am not even sure of my voice anymore.  I forget that I have a violin and a “How to Play Violin” book…and that I love teaching myself how to play instruments.  Man, I am wicked forgetful about things that keep me and have kept me sane in this life.  So, back to what brings comfort. Ongoing.

9. Remember.  I tend to forget (see number 8).  There are certain things that I have learned over the course of the last few years that I want to focus my mind on for the remainder of the year…and beyond that.  First, is to remind myself to practice achieving bodhicitta (I want to reread Pema Chodron‘s The Places that Scare You and to find my copy of her book When Things Fall Apart).  Second, is to practice the law of attraction.   Whether it is the idea of “show me yourself, and I will tell you who you are,” or “like attracts like,” I have come to understand that I what I put out there in the world is what I get back.  Thus, I will work hard to keep my mind and heart in the place that is best for me. Ongoing.

 10. Gratitude.  I would like to say that I express gratitude always and in a way that those who know me can understand, but that, I think, would be unreasonable.  Instead, I will state that my focus is on learning how to express my gratitude to everyone who has shared with me a part of their lives no matter how small. Ongoing.

So, that’s it!  Again, let me know your thoughts!  And cheer for me, will you?

Until Next Time!

Best,

D.

P.S. Christian Gen Monsen is simply awesome, and starting around minute 5 of this video, he makes a very inspiring statement…but watch the whole thing, because Japan and Japanese culture are wonderful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M1UDAJxrL0&feature=share&list=UL4M1UDAJxrL0

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Resolve…resolutions (Part 1)

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I would love to say that what I have woken to is all wonderful, and that my time away has been restorative.  The truth is, opening my eyes has meant having to see those parts of myself that are pretty, well…you know, dark.  I am not saying, something like “Oh, woe is me!”   Heck no!

What I am saying is that I recognize that I have been slowly chipping away at all the good that I have worked so hard to achieve over the last few years.  And what exactly the point of that is, I do not know.  It is, however, exactly what I have been doing.  I have allowed my health to deteriorate, my weight to gain, my physical appearance to become disheveled, my thoughts to shift to black, my creativity to be stifled.  And why?

Was it depression?  Possibly…okay, probably.  But why?  Was I missing home for the first time in my life?  Possibly…okay, probably.  Was I feeling lonely and wishing that I could meet someone special? Possibly…I refuse to say probably here, because I prefer denial on this topic.  The point is, today, I looked in the mirror and found myself asking the same question I had asked myself upon my arrival to Rome two years ago… That’s right, it’s been two years since I started this romance with the Eternal City.  The question was:  Who are you?  The image in the mirror did not reflect anyone I knew, or wanted to know.  I wanted to hide myself from myself…and then I thought, Why hide?  This is simply another step on the path to who are becoming.  Perhaps that is a bit too zen…For me, however, it worked and it is still working.  So, I have come to a decision to charge of my life from this point forward.  At this point, you are probably thinking How, D?  

Well, that’s the tricky part, isn’t it?  Imagine if everyone knew just how to make their lives better, wouldn’t that be great?  Well, I certainly don’t know how all the steps that I shall need to take in order to take charge of my life, but there are ten (yes, 10) resolutions to which I have come.

Okay, so I know that one should normally make resolutions at the start of the year.  That’s that whole New Year’s Resolution  thing.  Got it.  Since, however, I have always tended to like keeping an open mind about the future, I’ve never really seriously made resolutions for the near year…and I don’t think I ever will.  Making resolution for the end of the year seems to be something that I can handle more easily… It’s a bit more…short-term.  I mean, I have only two and a half month’s to get these ten resolutions together or stick to them as the case may be.

So what are they?  Well, first I have say that I plan to give a weekly update on my progress in maintaining the resolutions.  Ten resolutions in ten weeks…I can dig it, can you? 😉

By the way, any support on achieving all of these would be lovely!

Until Next Time!

Best,

D.

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Ugly D…

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Unmasked, self-portrait by Diedré M. Blake (October, 2010)

I am not a beautiful woman.  At least, this has been the feedback in one form or another that I have received since the start of the year. You may wonder why I would choose to write about such a topic.  Well, the reason is simple.

I am amazed by 1) the audacity of people to believe that they have the right to give feedback, whether positively or negatively perceived, on other people’s physical appearance, and 2) the ability of men (specifically in this case, Italian men) to reduce a woman’s worth to the rating that they believe they have the right to give her physical appearance.

I have decided to present this image on the right of myself, without make-up and with my face fully exposed as well as others in the posting in order to explore the issue of my physical appearance.  After all, if the point of this blog is self-exploration.  So then let’s have at it.  Indeed I have, time and again, written about my feelings and thoughts, so why not my physical self.

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Some say “Ugly…” 

Yes, my nose is wide, and my lips are full, and my forehead is indeed a Tyra Banks four-finger, possibly five, high.  My eyes are almond-shaped and my left is smaller than my right eye.  My right eyebrow is seemingly permanently arched, because I am always arching it in response to something or another.  Of course, my features may have something to do with my mix of African and Asian ancestry.

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I have scars…

I have a visible scar on my forehead on the right side.  I have scar marks by my left ear from when I had the chicken pox at age sixteen (a horrifying and mortifying experience, I can tell you ;)).  I have scars under my chin from having fallen as a child and also as a teenager from once when rollerblading.  I even have a small scar on my nose from when I was 18 and felt a need to be rebellious and got a nose ring, which didn’t end up being such a great idea in the end.  I decided to stick with tattoos thereafter.

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Imperfect teeth…. oohh and facial hair 

Waiting, photography by April Rivers (Fall, 2010)

If I were to smile, you would see that my top two front teeth have small chips on either sides from when I had fallen during a field trip to the pirate city of Port Royal.  I am predisposed to facial hair and like most women I tweeze my eyebrows–no, they don’t just grow like that!  Thankfully I do not have a moustache like some women do–that would be extra work that I would rather not deal with.

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Kinky, Nappy hair… Now short!

Until November 26, 2010, I had very long dred locs, which I had been growing since September 1999.  I cut my hair in mourning the loss of my dog, Petie, who died on Thanksgiving Day 2010.  Being without my hair has made me painfully aware of the existence of a “hair bias” in the world against women with short hair.  I do not believe I had ever really noticed it before.  My hair grew over the course of the past year, but I chose to cut it again on January 1, 2012 to the previous length in order to start the new year fresh.

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Tattoos, cellulite, muscles, stretch marks, flat-chested, large thighs, and an ample derriere… I like saving the best for last! 

I am a person who believes in change and in letting go of the past and of that which not longer serves a purpose.  I am also a person who has undergone many changes, some self-imposed, some that have been imposed upon me.  Due to my genetics, age, health, my love for tattoos and changes in my lifestyle (see my c.v.), my body has changed and I have had to adjust  to these changes.  That’s life and I do not make excuses for the way that I have lived it.

The reality is that our bodies will all age.  What “beauty” others may perceive that we possess will change or be perceived as having “faded.”  It is no wonder that cosmetic companies, plastic surgeons, health clubs, diet programs make so much money.  They prey upon the insecurities that have been planted within the minds of women (and men) about their appearance and its relation to their worth as human beings…  Truly, given the onslaught of advertisements in a variety of forms of what one ought to look like, no one really needs to spend their time giving feedback to anyone else about their appearance (unless this person is actually an undercover agent for the ad company, or for the beauty industry, or any of the others already mentioned… then drumming up business by destroying self-esteem makes perfect sense).

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D. for dichotomy

Self-portrait, August 2010, photography by Diedré M Blake

Thus, this body is the canvas upon which I paint everyday… because, in reality, I see dressing oneself as  a process of creating art.  After all, why bother going through the process of dressing if not to make it interesting for oneself?

I call myself “D.”  One of my professors says that I am a minimalist.  Perhaps, perhaps not.  “D, ” however, is a construction of myself.  It is an aspect of who I am and not my entirety, because it is only recently (in the last 8 years) I began calling myself “D.”  It has been an evolution (see pictures below).  One that has resulted on an image of myself that is to my liking and which I find most representative of who I am.  It is unfortunate that it is hard for some people to balance the seemingly dichotomous images of “D.” and “Diedré.”

Constructing D.

Self-portrait, Winter 2011, photography by Diedré M Blake

But who or what is “D?”  Simply “D” is my expression of happiness, whether felt or not.  I dress in bright colours to bring a smile to my face when I feel like doing anything but smiling.  I put on make-up to remind myself that even the bleakest of days can improve.  I wrap my hair in bold scarves, shape them in intricate fashions and wear them like a crown to remind myself to hold my head high with self-pride throughout the day.

Every article of clothing I choose, from my undergarments to my dress, or my skirt, my shirt, or my pants, is chosen with care and consideration for the body with which I have been blessed.  Some people have been endowed with an ample bosom, I was not.  This is why there are stores like Victoria’s Secret and things like the miracle bra and the wonder bra, etc.  Some people have been granted rock hard and narrow legs and can wear freely the short skirts and shorts that are craze of modern fashion, I was not.  This is why I wear vintage clothing from the 1930s to the 1980s.  Some people have small feet, I do not.  I wear an Italian 39, US 9.5.  Thus, it is typically harder to find shoes in my size and also in the styles of my liking (typically vintage-styled).  Constructing “D.” is an act of self-love and care, and an expression of joy as well as celebration of my body.

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Learning to love and laugh at myself and life in general…

The journey of my life has been the process of learning to love myself through learning how to accept myself in all aspects, from physically to emotionally to psychologically.  I believe each day that I take a step closer to achieving this.  At the very least, at this point I am quite happy with who and how I am, imperfections and all.  So, for those people out there who find me either ugly or beautiful (some have even said “spooky”), truly there is no need to offer me feedback as I am quite aware of what I look like and of who and how I am.  If you do choose to give me feedback, please think about from where within you and your own “stuff” your feedback is coming, and consider well if your judgement is wise and your feedback constructive enough to share.

Images from starting from top left to bottom right, ages 16 to 33.

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“My idea of the perfect woman is… A) she’s gotta be hot!…”

(from the documentary “America the Beautiful”)

— Please, visit the link.  Unfortunately, I could not embed the video…

and please notice the man making this comment!

Until next time!

Best,

D.

Cleaning house…

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"The Revenge of Pride," photography by Dolores Juhas (2010). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Today the universe reminded me of this:  you know that you are right with your world, when you are smiling more than you are frowning… when you are feeling happy more than sad… when you are lighter in your step more than feeling weighed down by your body… and when you choose to surround yourself with only those people who bring greater meaning to your life more than those who bring devastating chaos…

I am cleaning house today, emotionally and physically.

I hope you are too…

Until next time!

Best,

D.

Self-potrait, photography by Dolores Juhas

Photographs are by Croatian photographer, Dolores Juhas, whose work has been featured in such magazines as Italian Vogue.  You can visit her website at http://www.dolores-juhas.tk or email her: d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk.  She has her own blog at http://themax.bloger.hr

Emotional Capital: It is what it is…

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"Zed" photography by Dolores Juhas, 2008. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Entering into the world of academia again, although enlightening, is quite time-consuming.  Thus, I find myself overdue to write my blog.  Beyond my frantic search for time, being a student has reminded me once again just how costly education can be (I am thinking about the numerous books each student must buy… After all, we are told not to share.) Whether spending in euros or dollars, the process of unnecessarily parting with my money leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.   This is not dissimilar to how I experience unnecessarily parting with my emotions.

In previous blog postings, I have discussed repeatedly how emotions are triggered or caused by our thoughts or perceptions.  Thus, if one is able to have awareness of one’s thoughts and to reframe one’s thinking successfully, then ideally one should be able to adequately manage one’s emotions.  Right?

Well… I believe even the best amongst us might not be able to pull of the feat of always successfully managing his or her emotions.  In effect, at some point in our lives, we will all struggle with being emotional spendthrifts.

Now, this is when you might say, D., what do you mean by ’emotional spendthrift’?  To put it bluntly, we waste our time (read here: ’emotions’ and ‘energy’) on people and/or situations that are nonbeneficial to our self-growth.  And why exactly do we do this (and you know that you do…)?

Well, the reasons are many.  Oftentimes, they stem from repetition compulsion, i.e. the unconscious act of reenacting past traumatic experiences, perhaps with an unconscious hope of a different outcome.  (Please note: the word ‘trauma’ is being used in with a more generalized denotation.)

Take a look at your past (and perhaps present) romantic relationships.  Are there any similarities in the personality types of the people you have chosen to share your intimate time?  Is there something familiar about the way in which each of your significant others have treated you?  Do you ever find yourself wondering at the end of a relationship, “Why in god’s name do I keep doing this (i.e. date the same type of person, get into the same kind situation, etc.) to myself?

"Percy Shelley..." photograph by Diedré Blake (2011), Rome, Italy.

Emotional Capital: Keep on keeping on…

It took many years for me to understand my behavioural and thinking patterns (a.k.a. repetition compulsion) in relation to others as well as to myself (and I continue to learn…. Trust me!)  😉

Throughout the years, however, I began to recognize and acknowledge that I spent a great deal of my time in emotionally futile conversations and situations to my own detriment, physically and emotionally.  In essence, I was allowing others to lure me into conversations and/or situations that ‘took away from’ rather than ‘gave to me.’  I had a just keep on keeping on mentally towards myself and the person in my life.

I believed that if I continued to endure, then I might be able to change (read: danger! warning! achtung!…) the situation, person, and/or myself for the person.  I was unwilling to accept the reality of my relationships, and thought if I gave more of myself, then all would be well… And so I gave and gave and gave.  It took me a long time realize that I did not examine whether or not the other person was giving too, or rather whether or not I understood myself to be receiving.

So, you might ask at this point, What did you give, D? Well, I thought I would make a list and even ask for suggestions for what other people have given in their relationships that has left them feeling/having/being a lot “less than,” rather than basking in the wonders of feeling/having/being “more than.”

Ten Things That I Gave That Increased My Emotional Deficit:

  1. Energy
  2. Time
  3. Money
  4. Friendships
  5. Physical Space
  6. Interests
  7. Hopes/Dreams/Goals
  8. Principles
  9. Pride
  10. Physical Self

Ask yourself, what have you ‘had’ (chosen) to give (up) in the name of a relationship? What are you giving (up) right now?

It is what it is….

I may have mentioned this before in a past posting, but when I first arrived at McLean, I made a sign for my office (a.k.a. the expressive therapy studio).  The sign wasn’t an artistic masterpiece, it was fairly simple and on it was the sentence, “It is what it is…”  In general, I believe this sentence summarizes well how to look at and to accept reality.  It’s basically that old idiom “There is no use in crying over spilled milk,” but in plain speech.

Do I regret having given the ten things listed above? No.  The reality is that in any relationship one has to learn how to strike a balance with the other person.  It may mean giving more of yourself at times, or for the other person to give more.  And the fact is having given so very much of myself (perhaps to an extreme), I had to learn how to achieve a balance-I am glad to say that I am solid path to do so and I am enjoying balancing my emotional checkbook.  Especially, when I realize that there is a surplus of positive emotional experiences. 😉

What I am writing about is when you are the only one who is giving and you know it or sense it.  It can also be about when both people are giving, but neither gives what the other person needs or what the relationship needs.

Like all creatures, human beings are given an enormous amount information through their bodily experience.  For example, if your skin becomes too hot, your brain understands to send the appropriate signal to get the body to move away from the source of the heat.

Finally, information can also be gathered from the body in emotional situations.  For example, when you feel constantly and inexplicably tired (or get headache, or some other suspiciously psychosomatic ailment ;)), when dealing (e.g. having to talk, confront, spend time, etc.) with your relationship(s).  Your body allows you to know what ‘it’ (the situation/ the reality) is for you.  Your body tells you simply if the situation that you are in is either…

GOOD or BAD

After that the issue is simply one of choice.

How wisely will you spend your emotions?

To whom will you give them?

How will ‘it’ (the situation, etc.) benefit you?

To what end?

Well, I leave you to it here… but a small gift of Erykah Badu’s “Tyrone.” –Best of regards, D.

“…Oh, Well hold up
Listen partna
I ain’t no cheap thrill
Cause Miss Badu is always comin’ for real
And you know the deal
Everytime we go somewhere
I gotta reach down in my purse
To pay your way and your homeboys way
And sometimes your cousin’s way
They don’t never have to pay
Don’t have no cars
Hang around in bars
Try to hang around with stars
Like Badu
I’m gon’ tell you the truth
Show and prove
or get the boot…”
( Lyrics from “Tyrone” by Erykah Badu, taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/erykahbadu/tyrone.html) 

Next Time: Men… and other thoughts. 

Self-portrait by Dolores Juhas. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Photographs are by Croatian photographer, Dolores Juhas, whose work has been featured in such magazines as Italian Vogue.  You can visit her website at http://www.dolores-juhas.tk or email her: d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk.  She has her own blog at http://themax.bloger.hr

Divide and conquer…

2 Comments

"Vrijeme po mom satu," photography by Dolores Juhas (2008). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how we sometimes allow “life” (a.k.a. other people and/or things) to get in our way of actually living.  That is, we devote our time to making sure that we are “doing the right thing” by others, or simply “doing the right thing” in general, based upon some internalized impression of societal expectations (this, I believe, is especially true for women).

In so doing, we may be opening ourselves up to an onslaught of external and internal psychologically damaging attacks.  You might be asking yourself at this point, “How might this be so, D.?”

Divide… 
Ask yourself, when was the last time you did something solely for you… without thinking about the impact that it would make on someone else, or something else in your life?  Now, mind you, I am not advocating a libertine anarchistic society here…  I am simply wondering, when was the last time that you asked yourself truly “What do I want from life?” without worrying about the what-ifs and the who-wouldn’t-like-its?
From an early age, we are taught societal expectations: the order of our cultural world and how we are to operate within it.  We are taught to act against our natural instinct and/or desires if our culture dictates it, in order to preserve what is considered society.   For the most part, this system has meant security and the endurance of many civilizations.  We have developed useful laws because of societal expectations, which come in quite handy at times (I tend to think about murderers being put in jail, etc.)
There are, however, other “laws” or expectations that are more implicit.  I could describe these expectations as insidious with the sole purpose of denying certain individuals the individuals the right to improved self-esteem and self-actualization.   These expectations can be as explicit as an individual remaining a member of his or her caste system (such as one finds in India), or implicit as a simple refusal of college attendance by parents to their child, because in his or her family it is expected that after high school everyone works (a good example is the movie, “Real Women Have Curves“).

"Arms Full of Words," photography by Dolores Juhas (2011). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

In essence we learn from the world around us that it is important to divide ourselves, between our needs and wants… and the expectations of “world” around us –  It is not surprising then that some people often feel as though “no one knows who they really are…”  We are expected to hide the sides and parts that bring about discomfort to others:

  • the side that shows too much sadness
  • the side that shows too much anger
  • the side that shows too much fear
  • the side that shows too much happiness
  • the side that shows too much love
  • the side that shows too much jealousy
  • the side that shows too much disgust
  • the side that shows too much surprise
  • the side that shows too much shame
  • the side that shows too much guilt
  • the part that is  the alcoholic
  • the part that is the drug addict
  • the part that is the sex addict
  • the part that is the verbal abuser
  • the part that is  the sexual abuser
  • the part that is the physical abuser
  • the part that is beyond our control
  • the part that is unknown to us
  • the part that is mentally ill
  • the part that is lost to us

I am sure there are more sides or parts that I could list and that you have thought about from your own life or from the lives of those you know.  My thought is simply, what if we were simply allowed to see ourselves holistically?  What would it mean to understand our multiple parts?  The parts that may be deemed “dark” or “broken” or “unsuitable” for our society as well as the parts for which we can and do express pride?

When we allow for others to say, “Hide yourself!” or “Deny who you are!” or “Forget what you have done!”  what good is this?  When we do not accept ourselves for who we are and for what we are capable of doing (both the good and the not-so-good), are we not simply allowing for a division of ourselves?  Are we not allowing for others to have the ability to dictate to us how we should live our lives?  Are we not allowing for others to have control over who we are?

Conquer…

"True Mirror Image," photography by Dolores Juhas (2010). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

I have spent many years pulling together the many parts of myself, and as a result I am able to face my reflection in the mirror every morning and smile.  I no longer ask myself the question, “Who I am?” with a sense of foreboding and downright misery.  Rather, I am happy to explore my developing self and to understand that who I am is a dynamic entity, continually growing – This was not an easy process that simply occurred overnight.

 When I write about conquering, I am writing about this two-fold.  That is, how others can conquer us via our perceived and self-perceived weaknesses and how we can conquer our self-perceived weakness by making them into strengths, or by building new skills and thus creating new strengths.

It is my perception that is fairly easy to understand what a person’s weaknesses are within a short period of time.  In American culture, we usually reference our weakness(es) in some off-hand/joking manner, in order to acknowledge while simultaneously dismiss the severity of the weakness with believe we have.  After all, American culture is one that is strength-based and asks of the individual to operate independently – There is no place for weaknesses (perceived or otherwise)… At least, this has been the impression that has been made on me over the past two decades.

"The Revenge of Pride," photography by Dolores Juhas (2010). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

In the American drive towards efficiency and effectiveness, it appears there is an ongoing “weeding out” process in many business and schools.  It something along the lines of the game show, “The Weakest Link”… and everyone fears that he or she will be “it.”  Thus, we blunt our affect, we deny our psychological difficulties, we overwork ourselves, and overindulge ourselves… all in the name of progress and societal expectation.  Then at age 65 or later, we say… “Perhaps I can stop now… Wait? Do I have Social Security? Is it enough?  Perhaps I should work at Wal-Mart.” Life has effectively conquered us… as we have not truly been allowed to live it… It has lived us, used up our years.

My point is that we need to live now.  We need to conquer ourselves now through accepting who are holistically.  It is in accepting the many parts of yourself that you will find inner-peace.  It is through inner-peace that time will be more in your command, and you will allow yourself to live your time… to build and live worthwhile and enriching life.

Monday, 26th of Sept.: Emotional Capital – Making an investment in yourself.

Self-portrait by Dolores Juhas. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Photographs are by Croatian photographer, Dolores Juhas, whose work has been featured in such magazines as Italian Vogue.  You can visit her website at http://www.dolores-juhas.tk or email her: d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk.  She has her own blog at http://themax.bloger.hr