FMS | The Necessity of Positive Self-Value

DSC001732Just a quick thought for today.

Remember that taking care of yourself, recognizing your strengths, working on your weakness, celebrating your small steps (and big ones) are necessary part of maintaining positive self-value.

It’s easy to get caught up in the what you can’t do or the  what you should do, instead of looking at what you have done and what you want to do.

Take a moment before the end of this day to check in with yourself.  Challenge yourself to acknowledging your positives, and then see how those positives can be extended to touch the lives those around you.

Until Tomorrow,

FMS | Fibromyalgia is Not the Enemy. Your Attitude Is.

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This is what we need to aim for every. single. day.

Beyond medical research, I spend a lot of time reading personal stories of people who have fibromyalgia.  After all, I have the illness, and it feels good to have a sense of belonging. However, there is a problem.

What I’ve noticed is that many of these stories, including some of my own, focus on the (for lack of a better word) negative aspects of the illness.  There is nothing wrong with that. Of course, we all need a place to share our grievances, our challenges, and our pain.  This can help those without fibromyalgia understand a bit more about our experiences with the illness.  Sharing, however, the negative of our illness is not always helpful…to us.

What I mean is: isn’t it about time that we share the positive? Share our successes?  If nothing else, in both my personal and professional lives, I learned that focusing on what works helps us to feel better about ourselves and our circumstances.  (Also, reading about the success of others in overcoming their challenges is helpful to those who are struggling.)

For example, let’s say you’ve been waking up every morning (if you even slept) and have felt so tired that the idea of getting up is too much.  Okay, that’s fine. Now, instead of focusing on feeling so tired, how about focusing on the simple pleasure of I woke up today. Perhaps that may seem a bit morbid.

The reality is, however, that if we can take a moment to focus on what is good/positive/working, then what is bad/negative/broken begins to matter less.

So, to give you a boost, I thought I would share with you my 5 steps to feeling motivated for each fibromyalgia day:

  1. Appreciate. Every morning and for the rest of my day, I take moments to simply express gratitude for the simple things in life, whether internally or externally or both. The sun is shining. I am breathing. The birds are singing, etc.
  2. Celebrate. Even if I am stuck in bed all day long, I celebrate myself and my achievements for the day.  Perhaps the only achievement I can point to is my self-care, i.e. not pushing myself beyond my limit and not beating myself up because I can’t do what others can.
  3. Life-dream. Okay, so it’s a rough day today, but guess what? Tomorrow might just be better, and what do you want to do? I take time to make small and big plans for my future. I keep in mind something that YouTuber CharlyCheer expressed in one of her videos: if you can spend 10 minutes today working on a goal, then you are that much closer to achieving it.  So, dream and dream BIG.
  4. One-step.  I take the foot-in-the-doordoor-in-the-face compliance strategies. What does that mean? I negotiate with myself. I ask myself to do something either so small (foot in the door) that I know I can do it, or I ask myself for something so grand that I know I will reject in favour of something smaller. In essence, I force myself into complying with taking a positive action.  What the video below.
  5. Laugh. I spend a great deal of time laughing.  Sometimes it is because of something I make myself watch (cartoons, comedies, etc.), sometimes it’s a memory of something I did (I can be very clumsy), or sometimes it’s listening to or reading something funny (whimsical music, comic strips, joke books, etc.).  The point is, I force myself to experience a positive emotion. Check out DBT technique  Opposite to Emotion Action.

You know, having fibromyalgia does not have to suck.  It’s true sometimes it does, and when it does…man, well…you get the idea.  Fibromyalgia is just an illness. It’s not the bogeyman, nor the devil or some demon meant to torment you.  It’s nothing to really be sad about, in my opinion.

Yes, your life has changed.  However, focus on how you can compensate for those changes/challenges.  Make having fibromyalgia a positive for you.  When people say, “I’m so sorry you have fibromyalgia” (I hear this a lot), respond with “I’m not! It’s one of the best things that has happened to me and has helped me change my perspectives on life!”

And that’s the truth. Fibromyalgia does teach you many wonderful things about life, especially because it forces you to slow down, to pay attention, and to take care.

Until Tomorrow,

D.

 

Courage to Stand Still: Why Doing Nothing Might Just Be the Best Plan

Found via Google image search.

Found via Google image search.

As a recent graduate (and even in the months before, there was one question that many people wanted me to answer:  So, what are your plans?  Or the other variation: So, what are you going to do now? Or there is also this one: So, what’s next?

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me those questions act like an unintentional stranglehold. It’s as though having completed full-time studies for the past 3+ years while trying to work and dealing with my chronic illness wasn’t enough.  It’s as though stopping to take in life for moment is unacceptable.  We must know what were going to do next, achieve next, be next.

Well, heck, what about just being able to be where we are right now? How about just being who we are right now? Celebrating that and nothing else. I know it’s not the fault of those who have asked the question.  Many of us are trained to think in this manner, i.e. we are only as good as our next potential achievement.

In my opinion, these types of questions can cause anyone in transition to take on that deer caught in headlights look. Seriously.

Surely enough, there are many who already have answer, who are ready for the question because they’ve had enough training to know that they “should” have a plan for the next step.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Actually, kudos to them for having a plan.

For me, what I’ve learned over the past several years is that planning (and over-planning) about the future is sometimes not the answer.  Yes, have plans, have goals, have ideas about the future. However, stand still for a moment and be with the present.

Living in the now, without focusing on what is come next, can be very useful. It can help you to appreciate where you have been, who you have become, why you are, how you came to be.  No, I’m not trying to get existential on you.  It’s just the reality that we really ought to take a time out just for ourselves.

Have the courage to say “I don’t know.” when asked about the future, even if you do have plans; or use my personal favourite: I’m not there yet, but once I am, I’ll let you know.

Happy Wednesday!

Until tomorrow,

D.

Is Your Family Narcissistic? 12 Ways to Know (PsychologyToday.com)

Read: “The Narcissistic Family Tree” by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

Does your family…

  1. Keep Secrets (Never air your dirty laundry.)
  2. Focus on Image. (What would other people think?)
  3. Give You Negative Messages.  (You’ll never be good enough.)
  4. Lack of Parental Hierarchy.  (You are made to parent, become the emotional support for your parents, etc.)
  5. Lack of Emotional Tune-In. (Parents have told you that they don’t need you or don’t care what happens to you, etc.)
  6. Lack of Effective Communication.  (Triangulation/Gossping, see last post).
  7. Have Unclear Boundaries. (Personal space invaded. Perhaps even identity stolen, literally and figuratively.)
  8. Have One Parent Narcissistic, the Other Orbiting. (Leaving children with no other source of support)
  9. Discourage Siblings From Being Close. (Does it feel like your siblings are in a constant competition with you or between themselves?)
  10. Negate/Displace Feelings. (What feelings? Who has them? Why are they necessary? J/k…but this is what it’s like).
  11. Give You “Not Good Enough” Messages. (Whether spoken or unspoken, you learned that there was/is/will be a way to match the ideal that your parent already is.)
  12. Thrive on Dysfunction—Obvious or Covert. (Was emotional, physical, sexual abuse a regular part of your life…but no one seemed to know it…even your own siblings?)

Triangulation: Don’t be a flying monkey…

Self-portrait: Today. (May, 2015)

Self-portrait: Today. (May, 2015)

Somehow I missed the fact that April was National Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month in the US–do they even have such a thing in Italy? I ought to find out.

As I prepare to return the US next week, especially to my family’s home, I have been reflecting on family and communication.  To be specific, I have been trying to strategize a method to deal with pervasive triangulation.

What is triangulation? Simply put, it is a method of communication that is passive-aggressive, such that information is rarely stated directly between the two (or more) people involved . In a real life family situation, it would sound something like this:

Sister: “So, I heard from Mom that you took her car without asking. Didn’t you know that she would be upset?”

Brother: “Well, I heard from Dad that Mom told him that you didn’t do well on your last exam and that you’re just a failure waiting to happen.”

In other words, information that should be stated directly from “Mom” and “Dad” to the “Sister” and “Brother” is instead being communicated just between the siblings. Neither Mom nor Dad state their (negative) feelings to their children, rather they have the children do it for them, which in turn tends to create disharmony between the siblings.

This method of communication is standard in families where narcissistic tendencies feature actively in either (or both) parent.  Triangulation serves to control communication, foster distrust between siblings, continue drama and undermine self-esteem.  The idea that parents can be trusted to maintain privacy is annihilated, and a lesson is learned that information is a useful weapon.

I’ve experienced three decades of this type of communication…enough to know that there is only one person who benefits from it: the parent(s) with narcissistic traits/tendencies/personalities.

Approximately 10 years ago, I decided not to get involved in it anymore.  When family members approached me to listened to “what so and so did,” I declined the conversation and redirected the person to speak directly with that person instead of me. I have no interest in being a flying monkey for anyone.

What pray tell is a flying monkey?  Well, let’s do it this way:

You know you’re a flying monkey if…

  • You listen to gossip about others and then spread it (usually from a family member about another family member).
  • You take up arguments on the behalf of someone (usually a family member).
  • You bully others on the behalf of someone (usually a family member).
  • You feel a sense of belonging when you gossip/argue/bully others for someone.
  • You take an intense interest in keeping tabs (spying) on the doings of others for someone, and then spend time gossiping about the “failings” of the people upon whom you have spied.
  • You are invasive. When visiting other people’s homes, you will go through their belongings and then report back to someone about it, particularly focusing on what the home lacked.
  • You are inauthentic in your dealings with other people. You seek out information from them to share it with someone else…and you are more than likely to use it against them.

I could go on with this list, but let’s leave it here for now.

I imagine some people wouldn’t even know themselves if they stopped being flying monkeys or stopped using triangulation, etc. And not knowing yourself can be a very scary experience.  Still, if you are either instigator of triangulation or complicit by acting as a flying monkey and perpetuating this type of communication, please work to find another way.

It is possible to speak directly to someone about your feelings.  You don’t have to use others to do your bidding.  At least, know that you are choosing to triangulate, especially using your children or other family members, you are engaging in an emotionally abusive act.  Children, particularly, need to learn how to express their feelings in a direct way.  This type of communication breeds secret-keeping, low self-esteem, and a compromised ability to trust self and others.

It is possible to allow other people to do their own dirty work.  It’s not your job to speak on someone’s behalf (unless that person is a child and is somehow unable to speak).  It is never your job to engage in aggression for someone else.  Why should you? Why would you want to?

Just to wrap this up (finally), please, take a moment to consider your method of communication today. Do you triangulate? Or are you on the receiving end of it? Or do you foster it?

Until tomorrow,

D.