Hitachinaka. I’ve spent the past two weeks in a bit of a fog. Physically, I have been a bit drained. And mentally, I am over winter…well, at least, this winter.
Still, I have been keeping busy learning new things about myself and living in Japan.
Spring is almost here. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the (almost) three years that I have been living in Japan. I’ve been wondering about the person I have become as a result of conforming to Japanese cultural norms.
I have become even quieter, preferring silence to talking. I enjoy nature even more than before. And I am less forthcoming with my opinions and more likely to go with the flow.
I’ve learned to compartmentalize even more. My personal life is shared in slivers. And, from what I have experienced, I perceive this approach as the norm here.
I’m still learning the art of keeping conversations light–which is no mean feat for someone who enjoys delving into and understanding the psychology of others. By the way, the weather is actually quite lovely this afternoon.
I’m learning to read the air (場の空気を読む, ba no kuuki wo yomu), to be more KY. That is, I am working hard to better understand (from a Japanese cultural perspective) the situations in which I find myself and to know what is the expected behavior (again, from a Japanese cultural perspective) in those situations.
Of course, the major challenge is my temporarily linguistic limitation. At the moment, my Japanese language abilities are basic and must be improved. That leads me to the next thing that I’m learning.
I’m learning Japanese. And while my initial thoughts were that I only needed to learn enough to survive while living here. I have come to the self-understanding that, regardless of how long I live here, I do wish to embrace all that I can of Japanese culture to the best of my abilities.
Reading, writing, speaking (formally and informally), and listening comprehension, beyond a basic level, are all essential.
Yes, here, I will, most likely, always be an outsider. That is the nature of what it means to be a foreigner living in Japan. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t create a space for Japanese culture inside me.
So, now, I’m off to study Japanese (今、私は日本語を勉強しましう). Wish me well! And, as always, thanks for reading.
Hitachinaka. It’s another lovely spring-like winter day. It was also the continuation of hair day–if you don’t know what I mean, check out this post about wash weekend day for natural hair by NaturallyCurly.com.
I finally finished rebraiding my hair around 10:30 a.m., just in time to make an 11:00 a.m. knitting time at Starbucks with a friend…except I am crocheting today. Strangely enough, although I am a little sleep deprived from dealing with my hair, I am feeling pretty energized and managed to get a few rows completed while we were together.
Still, my hair-washing-blanket-making day isn’t my reason for writing today.
I enjoyed and related to the documentary on many levels. And I would recommend it to anyone who has experienced or is experiencing narcissistic abuse. It features the story of three people (two women and one man) who have experienced abusive relationships with people who may have exhibited grandiose narcissistic traits moreso than vulnerable narcissistic traits.
Of course, I use the word may because the documentary implies rather than overtly states that these people displaying abusive behaviours were grandiose narcissists. Although the documentary, in its entirety, was informative and truly inspiring, I was most interested in the latter part.
Towards the end of the video, the interviewees discussed why they were attracted to the people who were abusive to them. The women both reported that they grew up in homes were there was, at least, one narcissistic parent.
From my understanding, for both women it was their mothers. The man reported that he did not grow up in an abusive household, which rendered him naïve as he had always been a trusting person…now, he is less so.
Some years ago, I encountered a person who opened my eyes to the reality of narcissism…and narcissistic abuse. Although I understood, diagnostically, the traits of narcissism, I had never encountered the reality of it until the moment I allowed that person in my life…or so I thought.
To say that that person tried their best to destroy my self-esteem would be accurate. However, I have no intention of discussing the details here as my experience fits the recognised pattern of narcissistic abuse.
For a long time, after that experience, I often felt anger towards that person and myself. Over the past five years, however, I have worked to understand, not only that relationship, but all of my relationships…and the root cause for my having chosen and accepted that person into my life.
It led me back to…
Childhood. It may seem cliché that the root of many of our issues lie in our past, specifically, to the time when we had no control over our lives. Of course, whether you focus on the past, present, or future, in my opinion, the most important thing is working towards self-acceptance while improving self and finding resolution for past issues within self.
Without going into details, I can say that I learned that, for the majority of my life, I have been surrounded by people who have displayed both grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic traits. I was raised in a highly narcissistic, and thus toxic, environment.
Being the product of such a family system was the reason I decided to become a mental health counselor…because I wanted to fix whatever was broken in my own family. I wanted to save my parents who could never see their children as anything but extensions of themselves, trophies to be displayed…or garbage to be discarded. I wanted to save my older sisters who were suffering from internalizing the abuse and addiction they witnessed and suffered.
Little did I realize that that goal I made for myself at the age of twelve would lead me to exhibiting codependent traits and trying to save the many narcissistically inclined people I attracted into my life.
More importantly, it lead me to this point of learning that…
the only person that I can save is myself…
Coincidentally, or perhaps not, the year that I met that person was also when I woke up, through therapy, to fact that I had chosen a career not for myself but in response to my family. I had forgotten about that promise I made at age twelve. All I believed was that I was good at understanding others and longed to help young people, especially girls, overcome trauma.
That revelation shook me to the core. Fully waking up to the idea that the career I had chosen might not be what I truly wanted to have was devastating.
It took almost seven years of self-healing to understand that I still would have chosen a field in which I could help others to learn about themselves and the world. Also, I am glad I chose psychology, more specifically, expressive therapy, as it helped me to create the me I am now.
What I thought was a short-term abusive experience with someone who displayed narcissistic traits turned into a journey of self-healing through confronting myself and my past. It isn’t a journey that I would recommend to take alone. Finding a competent therapist whose therapeutic approach matches your needs is key, in my opinion.
Well, this has been quite the long post. If you read this far, thank you. Also, if you haven’t, thank you for reading some of it. If you are my sibling, thank you and I love you–the journey continues, so let’s always do the best that we can in each moment of our lives. If you are my parent, I love you as you are and thank you for whatever you could and did do that ultimately benefited me.
I was hopeful to participate in this year’s marathon. However, I find myself sitting at one my local Starbucks, spending time with friends and working on a rather fast-growing crochet project. To be honest, it feels good to be inside, warm and dry. It’s bleak weather outside.
To be honest, I am disappointed that I wasn’t able to run this year. Of course, there is a reason. There always is when we don’t achieve our set goals.
Sometimes, the reason is in our control: something we didn’t do or did do. Sometimes, it’s out of our control: something we couldn’t do.
In the end, the result is the same, a goal left unaccomplished or partially so.
It’s easy to get bogged down in what we haven’t done, couldn’t do, or should have done. However, what’s the point of doing that? What’s the benefit of getting caught up in the lost yesterdays?
Today is what we have. And whatever we choose and are able to do today is what will inform our tomorrow, and thus our future selves.
We get hung up on promises we make to others and, especially, to ourselves. We feel defeated when we cannot or have not fulfilled those promises or met some conscious or unconscious expectations by some specified deadline (whether internally or externally defined).
Again, what’s the point? Why wrap ourselves up in the worry of who or how we cannot yet be or what we cannot yet do?
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that we don’t need to be mindful and make efforts to accomplishing our goals, fulfilling our promises, or meeting expectations.
I am saying that whatever happened, whatever we have or haven’t done, whoever we couldn’tbe is yesterday’s news.
Focus on today. Let today be your guide for what you do and who you will be tomorrow. Because, in the end of it all, all that each one of us has is…
today, this moment, this hour, this minute, this second.
We aren’t guaranteed time. However, if we are still existing, then we can always do our best to do and be the best that we can in each moment. The last moment is gone. Now is what you have.
Let that knowledge guide you toward your bliss.
Thanks for reading. And thanks to M. Beddingfield for allowing me to use the above photos.
En route to Tokyo. I often find long train rides a great time to catch up on some pleasure reading, studying, knitting or crocheting, and self-reflecting. I’ve done some studying and read some more of the Pete Walker book, both of which left me in great space for self-reflection.
I transferred trains at Nippori and continued on to the Ginza area of Tokyo. I’ve been there twice before, but never on my own. In fact, as I travelled, it dawned on me that this was the first time in a long time that I have travelled alone.
During my journey, I came to realize that, since I began living in Japan, I have always been surrounded by people who care about me (even minimally).
It’s a very comforting thought, i.e. not being alone in the world.
Rooftop nature, Ginza area
Cities overwhelm me–Tokyo, especially so. There is so much of everything: people, buildings, cars, and the rushing to experience all that man can make. Even nature feels manufactured and customized for convenience. I couldn’t wait to get back to my small countryside-city.
Still, I had a very good reason for going to Tokyo. And, to be quite frank, I felt and still feel nothing but gratitude for having been asked to go.
Now, I am back in Hitachinaka. I enjoyed my time in Tokyo. I am still not a city person, but I can understand the appeal. Moreover, the trip gave me a chance to reflect positively on some aspects of my life that I have been finding challenging.
Time and space can bring much needed clarity. And I believe my short visit to Tokyo gave me that.
Also, I found the following proverb that provided me with a healthy dash of simple wisdom:
“泣いて暮らすも一緒、笑って暮らすも一緒“- Japanese Proverb
“Naite kurasu mo issho, waratte kurasu mo issho.”
“It is the same life, whether we spend it laughing or crying.”
In this life, how we respond to our many experiences, whether past, present, or future, is up to us.
Let’s choose to smile or laugh and do what brings us closer to internal joy and harmony.
Monday. I wake with the realization that winter vacation will end once I begin the journey to Mito for an afternoon company training session. The weather is beautiful, and I am excited to enjoy the sun while bracing myself against chilled air.
I could take the train or even drive. Either would be faster and far more comfortable. Still, I am longing to move my body more. And this is the perfect opportunity to do it.
I make it just in time. I am tired but feeling accomplished.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” -R. Niebuhr
The day has grown late, and I am awfully tired. I need to sleep. Last night ended early this morning as I finished weaving in the ends for what is my first sweater.
It’s made from acrylic tweed bought in various Daisos (100￥ shop). I had been collecting the yarn (22 skeins) to make a yoga mat for a friend, but it wasn’t the right material for her in the end.
Acrylic yarn is very harmful to the environment, even if it is inexpensive. I make no excuses for having bought it. Still, given that I had already done that, I decided that I would find some use for it.
Thus, I began making a large rectangle, and then another. I steamed blocked them and crocheted them together. I picked up stitches around the armholes to make sleeves. And then decided the sweater would be for me.
Without blocking it again, I put it on this morning. And I felt happy.
Yes, it’s acrylic. I cannot change that. It was the yarn I could afford then. What I could do, and have done, is make something from it.
And so…I made a sweater that is cozy, warm, and filled with my creative energy. The thing is, I see making this sweater as a bit like moments in life.
Sometimes we make the wrong decisions because it’s best that we can do (or know to do) in a situation. Unfortunately, we usually can’t undo those decisions.
My sweater, sleeves and edging
However, we can choose to take ownership of the results of our decisions. We can choose to work with or through the consequences.
We can allow ourselves to be positively transformed through learning how to deal with the things we cannot change.
So, now I have made a sweater that’s like me: imperfect and unique. We both have problematic pasts that we cannot change. However, we are exactly as we are meant to be.
Thanks to my sweater for the life reminder. And thank you for reading.