Tag: psychology

Self-deconstruction and self-foundation

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"Reaching You," photography by Dolores Juhas, 2011. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas, All Rights Reserved

“Generally, one’s sense of self is formed by observations of oneself and of others’ reactions to one’s actions.  Emotional consistency and predictability, across time and similar situations, are prerequisites of identity development.”  This quote by Marsha M. Linehan summarizes well the process through which each individual goes in constructing a sense of self, beyond the issue of temperament.  It begins from our earliest movements and continues as we move through our lives.  Ideally, our self-identity or self-construct is one that has developed from an initially positive foundation and continues to develop along the same lines, being reinforced by healthy relationships.  The reality, however, is that life may not have afforded many of us such an initial positive foundation and/or the positive experiences thereafter, which would have enabled us to have a current healthy and positive self-construct.

Why not deconstruct? 

In reflecting on the intricacies of my life history, I remember distinct moments, especially as a teenager and young adult, when I longed to have a kind of “rewind” or “erase” button, to redo or eliminate some experience that I thought should have been different.  This type of thinking kept me for a long time in, what I call, the “mistake” or “error” mode.  I was constantly looking for where or, how, or, when or, why I would make my next mistake…  After all, I knew that it was only a matter of time! 😉  And of course, with my thinking constantly and consistently in this mode, I constantly and consistently “believed” I was making mistakes and that everything was my fault.  After all, everyone else was perfect.  Who I was… was in error.  My self-construct was in the negative.

It took the encouragement of some older, wiser women and men (I call them mentors), during my undergraduate studies, to help me to realise my potential and to acknowledge to my positive traits.  With these new influences, I was able to begin establishing a positive self-construct.

It would be a lovely story to say that all one needs is the encouragement of some nice people, and wham! there you have your positive self-construct.  Having encouraging, supportive, and wise people around me was one part; the other part came later: I had to self-deconstruct.

"Not the self-destruct button" found at http://www.connectedprincipals.com/archives/4100. I had to include this image... It was just too funny not to do so :).

No… I didn’t write self-destruct.   Self-deconstruction is what I have chosen to label the process by which a person has chosen to thoroughly examine his or her life.  That is, to take apart one’s self: one’s memories, one’s beliefs about one’s world, one’s values, etc.  In essence, to go through the process of continuing to ask yourself the question Why? over and over and over…. Why do I believe this? Why is it so? Why must it be?  Until you have answers that are truly your own and/or that you can see more plainly why you believe as you do about yourself and about the world around you.

It is not an easy process – I will not say that the process can ever be completed, because I believe it is a process that should be ongoing… just like self-construction.  It is in my opinion a type of yin yang: Self-deconstruction and self-construction are interdependent and interconnected, enabling us to reach a state of self-actualization.

"The Sunflower View," photography by Dolores Juhas. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

And what have you found?

As I mentioned above, self-deconstruction is a process of stripping away, and looking plainly at the self.   What is found there, however, may be deemed positive and/or negative.

In English, we often speak of “laying a solid foundation.”  You could substitute the word “solid” with “good” or “strong,” etc.  The point is that we believe that the start or base of something, whether organization or actual building, should be made of the kind of stuff  that will not be easily shaken, or fall apart.   I believe the same is important when laying one’s self-foundation.

In making the decision to undergo the process of self-deconstruction, with the inevitable self-reconstruction process to follow, one must consider self-foundation.  What type of person do I want to be?  How do  I want to be understood by and engage with the world around me?  Self-deconstruction offers the opportunity to lay a new foundation through acceptance of self and establishment of healthier relationships, both with self and others.

Acceptance of self means taking the core aspects of the self, i.e. both what is considered positive and negative.  The key factor is find a useful/effective application for all aspects of the self in the world.  Simply put, allow your strengths to continue doing what they do best, and work on understanding how your weakness (negatives) can become strengths.

Acknowledge who, what, and how you are

AND

Challenge yourself to see the positive in all aspects of you.

It is a path to building your strongest foundation.

Best of Regards,

D.

Monday, 5th of Sept, 2011: Strengths and weaknesses: How we let others divide and conquer us.

Self-portrait by Dolores Juhas. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Photographs are by Croatian photographer, Dolores Juhas, whose work has been featured in such magazines as Italian Vogue.  You can visit her website at http://www.dolores-juhas.tk or email her: d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk.  She has her own blog at http://themax.bloger.hr 

Never hold your breath: Finding space, sentences & self

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From Florence to Rome, photography by Diedré M. Blake (2011)

Nine months ago, I began travelling once again.  It would seem that much of travelling would involve rapid movement.  Perhaps each day, waking up leads to seeing a new city, or being in a completely different time zone, or realizing that only one hour has passed of a ten-hour flight.  The actions of packing and re-packing and saying goodbyes and hellos only reinforce the notion that time is moving quickly – It becomes a continuous cycle of beginnings and endings.

Then there is the “stuff” in the middle: the time spent experiencing a new culture, new people, or returning to the familiar.  Quick or slow, the hyper-awareness of passing time has become, perhaps, a universal experience for travellers.  For myself, practicing mindfulness has been integral in being able to manage time-based anxiety, to slow down, and to keep myself “in the moment.”

I wrote about mindfulness in other postings, but I thought to share mindfulness expert Dr. Marsha Linehan‘s words on the goal of practicing mindfulness skills.  In her Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder, she states the goal of mindfulness skills is “learning to be in control of your own mind, instead of letting your mind be in control of you.”

Dr. Linehan’s dialectical behavior therapy treatment (DBT), in which mindfulness is the core skill, has been proven to be effective in helping a person gain a more adaptive method of dealing with his or her life.   Just imagine what it could do for managing anxiety related to travel? 😉

On the way home, photography by Diedré M. Blake (2011)

Never hold your breath…

In a recent New York Times article, Dr. Linehan revealed her own struggle with mental illness (borderline personality disorder), and how these struggles helped her in developing DBT.  I was not shocked, or even mildly surprised, by this article.  I imagine that there are some within the field of psychology, who are now balking at her decision to publicly disclose her illness.  After all, based upon my own experiences, I would say that there is a good deal of conservatism on the subject of disclosure and just how “human” (read: have struggles of their own) therapists can reveal themselves to be.

After reading this article, one thought struck me – How terrified Dr. Linehan must have been over the decades because she thought it professionally better to keep her struggles secret?  What does it mean for the field of psychology that one of its most prominent members has only now felt safe enough to disclose her struggle?  Is the field still so rooted in psychoanalysis, in the Freudian desire that therapists be a type of tabula rasa (“blank slate”), wanting for clients to experience transference? Of course… there is a reason for the experience and acknowledgement of counter-transference… Right?

I like the idiom “don’t hold your breath.”  Traditionally, the meaning refers to impossibility of something happening.  What I like specifically is the coming together of stagnation and the flow of time.  For me, the expression reads more like “It is important to continue living, even when waiting for something or someone, because the only actions that can be controlled are your own.”  In the article on Linehan, she states clearly that she did not want to chance dying and not have been brave enough to step forward.  In terms of travelling, it is the idea that focusing on either the beginning or end might cause you to miss the important moments of the middle.

It is the middle, the moment in which the understood and well-regulated reality is held in abeyance, that creates the opportunity for new experiences and self-development.  So, focus on the moment, this moment, because the beginning and end come sometimes faster or slower than can be imagined.

Go, photography by Diedré M. Blake (2011)

Finding space, sentences & self…

I took some time away from the blog to become more settled (it’s a process), to lend support to both my family-of-choice and family-of-origin, and to gain more complete understanding on my reasons for sharing my thoughts with a larger audience.  Like the process of self-understanding, this blog is steadily finding its path.

Taking space has meant the opportunity observe life and experience living without constant analysis, which is its own type of judgement.  Moreover, at the end of the day, if the few or many words I choose to share offer comfort and encouragement to any individual, then I am satisfied.  Remember…

The path to self is never clear, and thus it remains important to “stop, look, listen… and think,” in order to keep living.

  Best of regards to everyone. 

D.

Spending a night in Le Bain… Plus, I am a what?? 

Le Bain, photography by Diedré M. Blake (Rome, Italy) Feb. 2011

There was a point in my life when weekend nightlife… well, let’s be honest, nightlife in general… made sense.  I think that was called something like… my youth.  

Yes, I know, technically speaking, that I am chronologically still young (although the next age bracket is looming quite largely).   Still, I am at a point where the Cinderella fairytale becomes true and midnight turns my carriage back into a pumpkin (or in this case the number 64 Bus to the Termini), and I say forget the high-heels, I am going home!

Before the anticlimactic end of Cinderella’s night out and after the spell had been cast, however, there was all the stuff in the middle.  So, let’s take D’s Not-So-Magical Night at Le Bain…

 

Le Bain… 

The Scene – Walking into Studio Le Bain makes me instantly think to myself that I am in the wrong place, and I need to immediately grow a few inches taller.  It also makes me wonder where the light switches are, because it is quite dark and these people are not paying my optometrist’s bill (and she has threatened bifocals, I kid you not!).  It’s got that kind of we-are-so-cool-you-wouldn’t-be-able-to-understand-it-and-you-could-never-achieve-it vibe.  I know now that I should have worn all black, and my head wrap and stockings are just not going to count in this situation.

The People – Young, old, and everything in-between (I think I would be safe to include myself in this category).  There were different gatherings in attendance.  I was a part of the InterNations gathering, which was being hosted in the front/bar of Le Bain.  Upon entering Le Bain, I had been told it was a popular establishment with members of the fashion industry (think models here).   Thus, I imagine that being positioned at the entrance was ideal for “seeing and being seen” by members of the “beautiful people” club.  For myself, however, it felt rather daunting and triggered my shyness and my more usually unnoticeable introverted traits.

 

 

I am a what??

Yes, if we have met before and it was not noticeable then… I will inform you now.  I can be painfully shy and I do have some traits that are introverted as well as extroverted.  I am still looking into this, but I am thinking I may be more of an “ambivert”  than either an extrovert or an introvert.    Why?  Well, because I do enjoy both my solitude and being around other people (it makes for an interesting conundrum).  In essence, I gain energy from both and need both experiences in my life.  If I remember correctly, my Myers-Briggs Type is ENFJ.  Anyway, back to the party…   

Le Bain

I did what any true-blooded ambivert would do… apparently (click on the “ambivert” link above for further explanation).  I skillfully met new people, associated myself with a group engaged in a truly animated conversation and participated in some highly active listening.  No, I do not mean “active listening” in the psychological sense, where one actually evaluates and reflects meaningfully on what one is hearing.  I mean that I spent my time listening to my surroundings… the buzz of speech, to the music, and general din that made up the ambience of Le Bain.  Every now and then, someone would ask me a question directly, and I would be made to shift out of my thoughts/listening to answer.  For the most part, however, I was able to enjoy the night in the best way possible, i.e. surrounded by people, being quiet and observant.

About my observations, I shall not write.  The “beautiful people” enjoyed themselves, and I am a fan of both behaving responsibly and letting one’s hair down.   The night ended early, however, for me.  As I mentioned above, I am not so young anymore that nightlife holds much appeal… This seems just as well, because as I have come to discover in being an ambivert, I don’t necessarily need to be where the excitement is happening.  😉   

So, not so magical, but I made new friends, had a good time, and got home at reasonable hour.  All in all, a good way to start my first weekend in Rome.

Next time:  Being called “Una bella dama.”

A reflection on my sister & what it takes… Imagination.

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Michelle, photography by Diedré M Blake 2011

Spritely elegance: These are the words I choose to describe my sister, Michelle, the younger of my identical twin sisters.  She is known for her whimsical attitude, her charisma, diplomacy, and general ability to brighten everyone’s day – Regardless of how crappy the day for either her or the other person has been. 

Michelle is truly a lover of life, and for all of the already mentioned reasons and many more, I am one of her biggest fans, and am proud to be her sister.  So, what’s up with all the hype, D.?

Well, simply put, it’s the truth, and I believe every person in one’s life deserves recognition.  Right now, my thoughts are on my sister, who is at the moment taking a courageous step in her life and embarking on new and rewarding goals.  This, I know, is more than reason enough to celebrate her and for her. 

Michelle with daughter, photography by Diedré M. Blake 2011

Michelle works as an exemplary server at The Capital Grille, one nation’s best restaurant chains. For almost twenty years, she has dedicated her life to building a career within the restaurant industry, acquiring formidable knowledge in the various aspects of restaurant service. 

Throughout, she continues to dazzle everyone with her smile, maintain her personal and professional relationships, and bring good cheer.  Even as a single parent, Michelle continues to show her loyalty to her work.  Wonderfully and in true form, she is now synthesizing her years of professional experience and writing a book!  I am extremely proud of her and inspired by her efforts.

For more information about Michelle, please visit her website: “The M.B. Factor” http://thembfactor.weebly.com, or you can email her at thembfactor@gmail.com.

I want to address now my absence from blogging.  I could blame many things, but I shall not.  I dislike excuses, even well-meaning ones.  In reviewing my posts dating back six weeks, I recognized the tone of the blog had shifted.  I had stopped looking out at the world, and began looking in.  There is nothing wrong with this. There is no need, however, to be excessively redudant on the blog.  I think most people reading the blog know the challenging goal I am working on, and have read about some the reactions I have received in response to it. 

Moving forward, I would like to continue to explore the issue of achieving goals and overcoming obstacles, and reflecting on life as it happens around me.  As I make progress on my own path, I shall duly report it here.

What it takes…

Don't, photography by Diedré M. Blake 2010

Many people, if not all, have goals.  Some of these goals are deemed achievable.  Others may be put in the category of “dreams, ” i.e. unrealistic and improbable and/or impossible to achieve goals.  Lately, I have been thinking about what are the internal and external factors that allow for a person to perceive his/her goals to be achievable or unachievable.  

More recently, I have become more attuned to other people’s negative self-talk in regards to achieving goals, and have taken to redirecting them – I am not certain how well-appreciated this particular practice is. 😉  From it, however, I have come to realize that I was brought up to believe that there was nothing out of my reach.  It was only a matter of finding a way to get to it…  Luckily, my training also taught me the wonderful concept of acceptance… and perhaps I will give some points to the concepts of fate/destiny.  Thus, I believe that my dreams can become my goals.  My goals, I work to manifest.  If, however, they do not completely manifest, then perhaps it was not meant to be.  It is a sort of win/win strategy on my part I suppose.

Either way,  my point is this:  I learned at an early age that it is okay to dream big and live creatively.  Most importantly, to live a life that I have created for myself.

Perhaps it is my age group, but it seems nearly impossible set goals that go against societal norms, no matter what the size, much less if it leads to “creative” living.  As the world around us becomes more and more globalized, it seems our ability to maintain our diversity becomes less and less… I sometimes fear living in a ‘generic brand world,’ where each person operates like a battery-operated computerized efficiency-driven doll that spits out data and lacks personality. 

Yes, there is comfort in following social norms and watching that social clock tick-tocking away at one’s life.  I have said as much in other posts.  What I am saying also is that there is room as well to look at one’s dreams… 

Imagination: Why not? 

Suppleness Of The Moment, photography by Dolores Juhas (http://dolores-juhas.tk)

 Your dreams were once goals… and can be again. 

What would it take to make them manifest into reality?

  • Perhaps there is somewhere you have always wanted to go…
  • Perhaps there is something you have always wanted to do…
  • Perhaps there is something you have always wanted to learn
  • Perhaps there is something you have always wanted to have…
  • Perhaps there is someone, whom you have always wanted to meet…
  • Perhaps there is some way you have always wanted to be…

In Rome, photography by Arturo di Corinto 2010

There are many questions to answer. 

Begin with, “Why not?”

Then, follow it with, “Why not now?”

What it takes… is very simple…

It takes you….

Your willingness

to believe

 in the possibility and probability of your

 imagination…

And your willingness

to ask yourself

“Why not?”

over

and

over

again

-db

 

For my sister, myself, family, friends, and everyone else… Remember,

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” – Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Wait… Life is changing fast: Chaos meets patience…

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Aum, photography by Diedré M. Blake

 

Stand still, say little

or better nothing at all

Stand still, stay little

 

why bother walk than crawl

 

Stand still, sway little

for whom do you stay alive

for whom shall you thrive

 

Stand still, say stay, never sway

 

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

 

sway never stay, say

say stay, sway, stand still – Still stand

or nothing at all.

-db (3.18.11)

 

 

I used to wait…

Days are ending before they even begin, and I am trying to find a way to simultaneously slow time down and move it quickly forward.

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

Waiting is an acquired skill.  Truly, it is not an easy task, especially when the unknown is that for which one is waiting.  I learned how to wait, however, during my childhood while I lived in a convent in Jamaica.

There were many months inbetween my trips to see my mother  (and then eventually also my sisters) in the United States.  There was nothing exciting about that waiting.  Rather it was quite terrifying as I often feared for the safety of my family because they were so very far away.

In those days, I did not find joy in the thought of going to America as many of my peers thought I would and should feel.  After all, what Jamaican child would not want to travel to see the wonders of America?  At least, that was their thinking… I did not, however, prescribe.  During those years, I could not have cared less about travelling to America –  All I wanted was to see my family… wherever they were.

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

Travelling alone as a child was equally terrifying, especially as I travelled by airplane for hours – Jamaica to Boston, Boston to Jamaica, Jamaica to Orlando, Orlando to Jamaica –  Time never seemed to move quickly enough.

Lately, I have found that I am still very much like my childhood self: a bit terrified of the unknown, but waiting for it nonetheless.  What is different, however, is that as an adult I am appreciative of each and every second that I have in the day.  Whereas in my childhood, I despised time, which seemed ever long.  I suppose the difference is that as a child I merely tolerated the process of waiting.  As an adult, however, I have simply become patient.

 

Life is changing fast…

I often express the fact that one can only change and control one’s self and no one else.  The same could be said for situations.

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

Presently, I stand amidst a flurry of activity and inactivity, over which I truly have limited control.  Then again, even if I could have control, I am pretty sure I wouldn’t want it.  Why? Well, simply because I am a planner, who attempts to create order and routine wherever I go, and who is hyper-aware of time (in a sort social clock way).  Whether this stems from the uncertain structure of my childhood, i.e. living in multiple places and away from my family, I am not certain.  What I do know, however, is that I spent an inordinate amount of time creating a structured self and world only to watch both destruct and fall to chaos in a matter of few short years.

 Transitions of all types tend to be stressful.  Thus, as I experienced life-changing transitions and disruptions to my well-planned and well-timed established order, I experienced great amounts of stress (and we know just how good that is for fibromyalgia – Right?) .  Most of the stress I experienced was as a direct result of these transitions, but there was a good deal of stress that came from my own internal processing, i.e. negative self-talk – I engaged in emotional warfare with myself, berating myself for not complying with my mental agenda and achieving goals in a timely manner.  Fortunately, the process of battling an overly planned future and uncertain present led me to the following realization: at the end of the day, I simply want to be happy, regardless of the presence of either order or chaos.

 

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

Chaos

There is beauty to be found in chaos.  Though, some years ago… perhaps even a year and a half ago, I would not have agreed.  Now, I find that chaos brings about opportunity for growth, which my own life has shown me, especially over that last few months.  It is in the deconstruction of one’s life and self that core truths can be found.   After all, once the masks have all fallen away, only the face remains, upon which the truth of one’s life is plainly written for all to see.  Sometimes, one has a choice as to when and how to remove the masks.

Sometimes, however, life simply tears them off one by one without any warning.  Either way, the removal of the masks and the resulting confrontation of the self is rife with uncertainty due to the potential unknowns about the self, with which one must contend.  These unknowns can be ego–shattering, and can lead to an experience of internal chaos.

So, what’s the point of this rambling, D.? Well, I suppose it could be referred to as a moment of indulgence, i.e. for a bit stream of consciousness writing.   There is also this point: patience is a not just a virtue, it is a necessity, especially if one’s goal is to survive the unknown, to create order out of chaos, and to thrive during the process of it all.

 

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

The Phoenix

With each breath

comes reincarnation

like the sunrise of this morning,

finding solace in the fragility

of existence:

 

ashes can mean rebirth.

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

As I am

 

the phoenix,

wings burnings flame red, yellow, orange,

welcoming finality as a friend

long missed;

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

acknowledging that freedom

 

exists within

each moment experienced as the first

time with serenity and absent

rising sun.

-db (Spring 2005)

 

 

 

 

 

Patience

There are, I am certain, many ways in which patience can be defined, and perhaps more psychologically and scientifically-minded than what I am about to write.

It is my opinion that patience is the process by which one is able to repeatedly regulate his/her emotions in order to tolerate distressful situations.    It is about allowing for an adaptive experience of the cycle of emotion.  What exactly is the cycle of emotion?  Well, it can be described as the stages/process that one goes through in order to manage his/her emotions.  It might look like this:

Distressing emotion experienced  leads to two choices:

Deny or  Recognize:

  •  Deny ->React ->Supress -> Escalate now or later -> Explode -> Dump ->Incomplete Resolution

  • Recognize -> Accept  ->Release the energy by Expressing -> Clarifying -> Choosing an Action -> Resolution

 (Taken from the Conflict Resolution Network site: http://www.crnhq.org)

 

 So, how does this apply to patience?  Well, patience is a choice.  Right?  Possibly, it would be developed during the stage/process of “Choosing an Action.”  The action would be, if you are trying to develop patience, would be do nothing/wait.  With every choice to simply do nothing/wait, one is developing patience.

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

Patience, in my opinion, is an extremely mindful practice.  It involves an acknowledgement of one’s thoughts and labeling of one’s feelings in the moment.  Thereafter, the goal would be to find an adaptive method of managing those feelings (e.g. deep breathing, taking a walk, talking to a friend) and reframing the thoughts, in order not to become reactive (which is just as good as saying “lose patience” in my world).   It has been my experience that reactivity and impatience tend to go hand in hand.  Thus, the less reactive one is, the more one is practicing patience.

I started this article discussing the fact that I used to engage in a great deal of waiting, especially during childhood.  I went on to write that I became patient as an adult, having recognized the importance of the now, of the present.  I suppose how I want to end is simply to state that I have learned the benefits of both being patient and of practicing the skill of waiting.  And even though I may have my moments of anxiety, I am enjoying the process of patiently waiting for the future that draws nearer and nearer each day and becomes the present I am living. 

Tomorrow is today as today is yesterday…

(Today is yesterday’s tomorrow)

Best,

D.

 

New start: Self-portrait series, photography by Diedré M. Blake

 

Quotes:

“The past is behind, learn from it.
The future is ahead, prepare for it.
The present is here, live it.” – Thomas S. Monson

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein

 

  “…Now our lives are changing fast…
Hope that something pure can last…
We used to wait…”

 

Things you believe, things you say, things you do…

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Breaking the Circle: Failure, photography by Dolores Juhas ( http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

There have been points in the last few days that I have experienced doubt.  I have written about experiencing doubt, and it is unlikely that during any period of transition that one never experiences doubt.  Thus, I will not harp on this subject.  Rather, I wanted to write today about an experience that actually caused me to confront my doubt… And it wasn’t that scary.

 

Things you believe

Per Joshua, photography by Dolores Juhas ( http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

Everyone engages in self-talk, which can be positive, neutral, or negative.  More often than not, however, I find that people engage in a great deal more negative self-talk than positive.  This process of negative self-talk can, undoubtedly, have a lasting impact on one’s self-esteem and one’s view of the world.  Often our negative self-talk stems from our earliest experiences, e.g. during childhood, and are based upon both direct and indirect external messages heard expressed about ourselves by others.  These messages are then internalized and become part of our self-talk, specifically automatic thoughts.  Again, automatic thoughts, like self-talk, can be positive or negative.  There are three important factors when it comes to automatic thoughts.

  • They are repetitive.
  • They are typically self-statements. (For example, “I’m such an idiot!”)
  • They are reactive, tending to occur in response specific stimuli, but are not based upon any reflection, thus they are called automatic.

Now, why am I going on about this?  Well, remember my earlier statement regarding my experience of doubt?  My doubt surfaced due to some automatic thoughts that I had been having, which were reactions to number of different experiences.  Just as my automatic thoughts brought my doubt, so did my self-talk take away my doubt.  The key is how you choose to understand the people and the situations around you.  More importantly, it is how you choose to support a healthy self-esteem, or not. 

 

 
 

 

Centrifuga, photography by Dolores Juhas ( http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

Things you say

 

I have been spending a great deal of time sitting in front of my computer screen lately.  This process can have its benefits and drawbacks.  The benefits?  Well, I am always connected to family and friends in distant places, and I have a wealth of information available for consumption at my fingertips.  The drawbacks?  Well, I am always connected to people, some in distant places and some quite near.  The wealth of information available for consumptions sometimes can be poisonous.

My Italian language book and dictionary sit on the nightstand next to my bed.  Often, I open the dictionary; rarely, I open the language book.  I have been learning Italian sort of piecemeal, a little immersion and a little grammar translation.  Where I am is a fairly comfortable place: slowly acquiring vocabulary words and being able to express my thoughts in present and past tenses.  What, however, I would like to begin focusing on is superlatives and second conditional, amongst other things.  I decided at some point on Friday that perhaps what I needed was a tutor in Italian!  So, I began searching online for one in the Boston area.  Guess what?  I found several, but decided to send one person an email of inquiry.  I received a response that same night.

Snimak stanja, photography by Dolores Juhas ( http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

Saturday, I arose to find, however, to find a secondary email, stating that the tutor needed to “finalize” the teaching schedule, and whether or not I was ready to begin lessons – Now, I try not to make too many sudden decisions in my life, and prefer having time to reflect.  Given that there was a sense of urgency on the part of the tutor, I sent back a response, stating my thoughts on making quick decisions and wishing the best of luck.  What happened next was quite shocking to me, unnecessarily hurtful, and resulted in negative automatic thoughts.  I received an email that stated, and I paraphrase, but not very much:

Based upon your attitude, I can tell that you would not have been a good student.  Also, your “decision-making” process in regards to moving to such a difficult country as Italy is equally foolish.

Wow!  This was a message from a stranger… a person I had never laid my eyes on, but had sent a message of inquiry regarding language services offered.  Hardly did I realize that in choosing to allow this person to “finalize” an important schedule, while being able to maintain my ability to take my time making decisions that it would result in the above statement.  I will state that I had not mentioned moving to Italy in my email.  Rather this person took the time (and I offered thanks) to read my blog, and then to craft a message that I perceived to be quite malicious.

I always try to find the good in every situation, however.  And I took my time to reflect on my emotional and intellectual responses to this unsolicited message.  I realized two very important facts that I needed to address immediately:

  • I had been engaging in negative self-talk… and very much of the automatic nature.
  • This tutor had expressed one of my thoughts very clearly to me, “I was foolish to think to move to Italy, because it is so difficult to do.”

I had been so busy engaging in a bit of “faking it till you make it” that I had not realized (or was engaging in a bit of psychological denial).  I had been suppressing an intolerable thought, i.e. I was “foolish” for choosing a seemingly difficult path.  This is why the message was so hurtful – I got stuck on an automatic thought.  A very simple statement, “I am/was foolish.” 

 

The Sunflower View, photography by Dolores Juhas ( http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

Things you do

This thought played on repeat in the background of my mind as I made my way through the day on Saturday, and then into Sunday.  At times, I felt a sense of despair, and I decidd that I needed to change this, but in way that would be most helpful for me, and allowed for me to both self-forgive and to forgive the writer of the message.  I turned to some simple activities to improve my self-esteem and mood.  These are the same activities that I have used in therapeutic practice.

Three Steps to Better Self-esteem

Rebutting the inner critic –

  • Be reassuring
  • Be specific
  • Be logical
  • Be objective

Practice self-nurturing –

  • Take care of basic needs – sleep, hygiene, etc.
  • Take care of fun needs – relax, go to the movies, meditate, etc.
  • Take care to reward yourself – celebrate achievements: large and small; spend time with friends; compliment yourself
  • Remind yourself of your strengths and achievements
  • Forgive yourself when you do not do all that you had hoped
  • Self-nurture even when you feel that you do not deserve it

Get help from others –

  • Ask for support from your family and/or friends – ask them what they like about you, have them listen to you vent, ask for a hug, etc.
  • Ask for support from teachers, professors, advisors, counselors/therapists, etc.

 Thus, I went through each step: confronting my thought through rebuttal; taking care of my emotional and physical well-being through self-care; and asking for support and advice from those close to me, and those who have experienced similar challenges.  Thereafter, I practiced a healthy dose of being a “good parent” to myself.

 What is being a “good parent” to yourself?  Well, it is a process by which you respond to yourself in a way that a nurturing parent would (the definition of “good” is really left up to the individual, but “good” can be continually re-defined).  The process is known popularly as re-parenting.  Thus, I practiced this skill, and reminded myself to let go secondary emotions, such as guilt and shame. I have come to a conclusion that an important daily goal is…

always to move forward with better understanding and regard for one’s self. 

Untitled, photography by Dolores Juhas ( http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

Vrijeme po mom satu, (Photo of the year: Fotografija.ba), photography by Dolores Juhas ( http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

Dolores Juhas is an award-winning Croatian photographer.
 

During her childhood she lived in Hungary, but returned to Croatia after the completion of her primary school education. She has been fascinated with art and artists since childhood.
It was after discontinuing her studies tourism and economics, however, that she discovered her passion for photography.  Since 2007, she has been establishing herself in the professional world of photography.

Dolores’ work focuses on the subject of the human form, which she conceptualizes through the elements of romanticism and fantasy.  Her goal is not only to capture authentic human expression and emotion through her subjects, but to personify those emotions by pushing visual illusions and pursuing innovative directions in which to do so.   As a result, she seamlessly combines photography with various visual components to create a fusion of reality and imagination.  (From Dolores Juhas Photography, Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dolores-Juhas-photography/139549639391372.)
 
d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk

There… and back again…

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Villa Doria Pamphili, 2. 21.11

Toward the within

unguided steps and dimmed light –

Discovery waits

-db

Life sometimes can feel to me like a Choose Your Own Adventure story.  Perhaps you might remember these books?  They are the ones that were written in the second person and had the reader make choices as a part of the narrative.  Based upon the choices of the reader, the story could end suddenly (usually, badly or with a neutral conclusion) within a few pages, or could continue until the last page, if memory serves me well, with a positive ending.  So, why am I reflecting on this today?

Well, as I get ready to leave Rome, I realize that I am at a crossroads in my life.  So very much has happened in the last five months, it sometimes seems unfathomable.   From going through these experiences, however, I have learned that beginnings and endings are much the same: filled with anxiety and adventure, which are all due to the uncertainty that both beginnings and endings bring.  Thus, I find and have found myself a bit like Bilbo, the hobbit, finding comfort in what has always been familiar, but recognizing too that the “greatest adventure is what lies ahead.”

D in studio, Rome, Feb. 2011

Too often in my life, I have fixed my gaze upon my past, and then when I would look at my present, I could not see the possibilities of my future – Instead I relied upon the desires of others to effectively move me from point A to point B in my life.  I realize now that I have learned and can move on from my past experiences, focus on my present, and look and move towards my future based on my own desires.  Moreover, although my future may be unknown to me, I can look to it with a positivity that is based in the certainty of my own self-efficacy and assurance in my support system – Coming to Rome has taught me in a most profound way that I am loved as I am and also as I evolve.

Strange day finds me lost

Yet still much the same – Found and

Changed because I choose

-db

Back again…

Thus, the journey begins… with one decision made, one path chosen, one step forward… towards a future truly unknown.  So, I return there… to America, to Boston, to the comfort of what I have known…  However, I am coming back again… to Rome.

Trevi Fountain, Rome (2.19.11)

I do not need to toss a coin over my shoulder in the waters of the Trevi Fountain.

After all, is it not as they say, “All roads lead to Rome…” even if for a moment in one’s life… and how one defines the duration of a moment, well… who knows?

In the interim, I return to Boston to see those whom I love and to visit familiar places.  I am not one for missing people or places, but I am missing Boston as I am already missing Rome.  In both of these cities, I have found a sense of home and have made connections with people I hope always to have in my life.

Wondering how to

start. Rome is in its winter-

No frost on windows.

-db

Finding joy beginning the end…. and in doubt…

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Hanging vines on fence in Trastevere, 2.15.11

Leaves must turn towards

 

the colour of rust – Find joy

beginning the end.

-db

I cannot write.  No, I do not want to write…  I have been feeling crappy from the disgustingly deceptive weather that leads you to believe that the bright sun outside is actually radiating heat.  Once you are outside, however, you come to find that it is actually as warm as spending the night naked inside a freezer!  Okay, okay… It’s not that bad, but… The wind here has caused the cold air to rip through your very bones, and every single achy joint that I could possibly have has decided that now is the time to act up!  Besides all of that, I am coming to realize that my time in Rome (this time) is coming to a close…

Piazza Mignanelli, Rome, Italy (2.21.11)

From a very young age, I have had to learn how to say goodbye temporarily to both people and places (cherished objects inclusive).  Due to this, I have been fairly good at parting ways, and am not much disturbed by great changes in the comings and goings of others.  I learned from early on in life that I cannot control the actions of others… I can only control my own.  Thus, here I am, sitting and writing on an early Thursday morning in my small studio space in Rome, trying to think about how to say goodbye, for now, to this space, the new friends I have made, the old friends I have known, and the city I have come to love.

Ending are, however, simply opportunities (perhaps somewhat forced) for beginnings… That is, unless you choose to stand still, metaphorically and literally speaking, both of which I refuse to do any longer.  Thus, I will move in one direction or another, in order to create, begin, and experience the next chapter of who I am to be in this journey of life.  And who will I be? I do not know, the story is creating itself as I take each step forward.  Certainly, I have a profound sense of who I have been and who I am.  I also have hopes of the ways in which I will be in the world and with others.  Who, however, in the future?  I will let the story tell itself, and allow for my faith in the protagonist to grace me with the belief in the goodness and greatness of the final end.

Doubt

Lately, I have been hearing around me doubt reflected.  What I mean by this is that I have been listening to the doubts others have about my present life and/or their perception of my own doubt within.  Of course, I would perhaps be of the same thinking were I to simply look at one layer of my own story.  I, however, have known my own journey and what has led me to this point… Moreover, whatever doubt I may experience and ultimately reflect out into the world, I understand that it has its place as well, and most importantly, it is only temporary.

Farnese Atlas, a 2nd century Roman copy of a Hellenistic work (Naples) Image by Lalupa and taken from Wikipedia.com

For the most part of my life, I have had to be a person without doubt.  I have had to be, or at the very least express, certainty… about my life and my future.  This is the first moment that I can truly say and be okay saying, “I don’t know, but I have faith in myself, my supports, and the powers that be.”  Before I would say (regardless of whatever I truly thought and felt), “I do know and I must make it so.”  Perhaps for some people, the latter statement makes more sense and expresses a type of inner strength.  For me, however, the former statement is more authentic and less isolating.  I no longer have to make myself into the mythic Atlas, carrying the celestial spheres or world atop my shoulders.  I now know how to ask for all types of support because I am able to acknowledge my uncertainty.  It is in times of uncertainty that it is best to reach out and ask for advice from your supports, and not just to keep your own counsel. 

Thus, this has been my process: living with doubt, accepting it, learning from it, reaching out when I need to in order to cope with it, and moving on from it.

I live in childhood

enjoying signs of growth while

nature cycles death

-db

Let’s paint the town… ;) Nightlife – Roman style!

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Crossing Ponte Sisto to Trastevere, 2.20.11

So, I have not posted anything in the last couple of days… and there is a very good reason for this – I have been learning a great deal about Roman nightlife!  And given that I have been complaining about my feeling very old… understandably, I have been sleeping in-between and after the nightlife experiences (and you know by now how much this is necessary)!  Thus, this posting for Friday, truly covers Saturday and Sunday as well. 

Thanks to Isobel, both Friday and Saturday nights found me out and about amongst the young and not-so-young, plus the most ethnically diverse crowds of Rome (particularly on Saturday night).

Trastevere, 2.15.11

Trastevere.  Everyday I take a walk through the area known as Trastevere.  It is a grungy, grimy place, filled with streets covered in dog feces accompanied by the random not-so-homeless dogs, garbage, homeless, plus the ever-present tourists.  I love taking pictures of the dying and living plants and flowers there. 

In a way, Trastevere captures well what Rome is like to me, i.e. once you remove the rose-coloured glasses… Then, the impressiveness of the ancient buildings, the lure of the many tourist traps, and the awe you once felt simply fall away, and Rome becomes real.  Initially, it may be difficult to find the beauty in the reality of what Rome is, especially once the glamour is gone.  I promise you, however, that it is in its authenticity that Rome is at its most poignant and magnificent.

Friday

I am fortunate to have a guide and friend such as Isobel, who has lived in Rome for the last 8 years.  She has been able to show me the places, where Romans go to enjoy themselves amidst but apart from the many tourist-geared and tourist-filled establishments.  Friday night was no exception.  We found ourselves at Bir and Fud for dinner, a trendy and popular (with both locals and visitors) establishment due to its Neopolitan-style pizzas and… you guessed it, beer!  I think Isobel described the beers there as quite rare and very good, and she is not alone in her opinion.  Now, I will say this… If you are not interested in drinking beer (ahem, like I was), you are quite out of luck at Bir and Fud!  It’s either beer or water, buddy!  And I’ll tell you this too, whole families were there, and I am not quite sure how their children were managing, but… I, for one, stuck with the natural water (and it was quite tasty too)!

We followed dinner with a pleasant stroll through the well-cobbled streets of Trastevere.  (Ladies, here is where I will advise you to please… rest your feet for several hours before you go out in heels late at night in Rome – The gaps in-between the cobblestones are vicious, and will take out an ankle or two!)  Along our walk we happened upon a bookstore… Now, I will tell you that this is the most unique bookstore in which I have ever been.  Why?  Well, because this bookstore was selling chocolate shots.  That’s right!  Little shotglass-shaped chocolates, in which could and would be poured whatever alcohol your partying heart desired!  Of course, it wouldn’t surprise you that by the end of the night (my night, that is) the line for this bookstore was out the door! (And no, I will not tell you the name of the bookstore!  You can look it up yourself. ;))

Excellent car, Trastevere, 2.15.11 (Nice enough to lean on too!)

I wish that there was more that I could say about the nightlife experience of Trastevere.  There really isn’t, however.  There are many bars, including the famous Bar San Callisto, where young (and of course, not-so-young) people hang outside, drink very cheap beer and other beverages, and lean against other people’s rather small vintage cars.  Outside of this, well… No, that’s it.  There isn’t any “outside of this.”  People walk the streets and hang outside of bars, drinking and smoking.  The crowd is somewhat alternative (whatever that means these days) with a mix of folks reliving the 80’s and 90’s, plus the typical middle-aged Italian men thinking that they are still in their 20s.  All in all, it makes for fun people-watching, if you enjoy this sport as much as I do.  After all, there is nothing quite as a fun as seeing a teenage 80s version of Axl Rose look-alike (hair, hip movement and all) hanging outside of a bar wearing multicoloured spandex tights and a bandana on a cold night.  So, “Welcome to the Jungle” and while you are here on a Friday night… you might as well make it Trastevere.

Saturday

Testaccio.  After recovering from a night in Trastevere, Isobel recommended that we spend some time in her neighbourhood, the #1 Club District also known as Testaccio.  I have to say that I love this neighbourhood… and I have only been here a couple of times.  Each time, however, the vibe here has been one of tranquility and diversity.  The people of Testaccio are all basically moving along with their day, but seem to care enough to stop to ask about each other’s lives.  Even on a weekend night, Testaccio did not lose its tranquil vibe!  Rather, the police actually come into the neighbourhood and shut down the main street, only allowing residents and taxis to travel in – This, I believe, has helped the neighbourhood maintain its relative calm, and as a woman, I felt safe walking there at night.

We began Saturday night at the Caffe Emporio, a restaurant/bar with an ultra modern, chic and urban design.  This was obviously the place to see and to be seen… And boy, did I see!  There was a wide age range, as is typical with many of the Roman establishments in which I have had the opportunity to spend time, and the music played catered well to this.  There was everything, from the early 80s to contemporary electronica.  And of course… not to be outdone by the Trastevere bookstore I suppose, they offered free samples of rum and chocolate (Isobel explained to me that it was some kind of a promotion… so, you had better hurry if you like rum and chocolate – Not that I am endorsing this behaviour.  I dislike both rum and dark chocolate – Yes, I know I am from the Caribbean… Sheesh!)

The only thing missing at Caffe Emporio was a dance floor (Isobel did tell me that they did have a smoking room… and I can see how that might be necessary in Rome).  We found ourselves a dance floor later on in the night (and I mean much later…  Yes, I am old, or feel old… or something – Checking the clock, it was only 11:30pm). 

Now the thing about Testaccio is this: there are many clubs!  And they are all lined up next to each other (I will add: next to the ancient garbage dump – See above article about the neighbourhood.)  There are free clubs and pay clubs.  From what I could tell, nothing was happening and no one happen to be in the free clubs.  So, Isobel and I made our way to a pay club.  Please, don’t ask me the name, because I cannot remember.  All I know is that I could hear Latin music from outside, and that was good enough for me as it suggested that there might be a hint of diversity/integration in Rome!  And surprise, surprise….

If you had asked me earlier in the day if interracial couples exist in Rome, I would have answered, “Not that I’ve seen.”  At this club on this Saturday night, however, it seemed that whatever racial/ethnic barriers that typically exit during the day in Roman society were momentarily lifted and people were free to mingle amongst each other and to express interest in each other.  The shades of brown were many.  Immediately recognizable for me were the Bangladeshi and Africans, but I am sure that there were a host of other people, who like myself, were from other countries.  And of course, our Italian hosts were out in full force. 

Isobel and I spent the night dancing (I, mostly by myself – I am simply a dancing queen… Seriously, you can’t touch this!) to bachata, merengue, and salsa.  It was brilliant, fun, exciting, and a good 10 Euro spent, in order to dispel some of my notions about the issue of racial segregation here in Rome.  So, go to Testaccio, especially, if you are young and have lots of energy… I am still recovering, and so I am going back to bed!  After all, painting the town… is quite a lot of work. 😉

Silence is golden…and a night of passion.

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Night sky (View out of my kitchen window), 2.17.11

It’s late… very, very, very late.  Tonight, however, I have been transported back in time to any one of the many college dormitories, I had the pleasure of residing in during my undergraduate years… I don’t know what your college experience was like, but mine involved a lot of screaming adolescents and young adults at all hours of the night… and day too! 

Fast forward to tonight, to me… sitting here in my little studio in the beautiful city of Rome… and to my neighbours, both the Italian locals and the American college students, screaming at the top of their lungs and slamming their doors.  Why?  I don’t know.  Moreover, I don’t care.  What I do care about is the time… It’s after midnight.  It’s actually 1:30 in the morning…

Listening to the carryings-on my neighbours (and from the little bits that I am understanding, I think there is a break-up in progress) and feeling my level of agitation growing (because of how late it is and that they are choosing to go through all of this at this time), I am struck with a thought – I am getting old.

My shadow (Trastevere, 2.14.11)

You may say, “Yes, D, everyone grows older with each passing moment,” and I would agree whole-heartedly with that statement.  What I am talking about is not a chronological shift, because that is happening no matter what (even though time is a man-made construct… but I will talk about that another time)!  I am more focusing on an emotional/psychological shift –  I realize that I have lost some of my joie de vivre … or perhaps never really gained a true foothold in experiencing it. 

Thus, the passionate exchanges of younger people (whether this argument here in my building, or the carousing late at night of the young people and the young-minded people from Trastevere to Campo dei Fiori) have begun to feel like an inconvenience rather than something to celebrate and appreciate.   I know there are some of you, who may think, “But D, you’re right!  This behaviour is highly inappropriate!”  And yes, on some level it is, especially for the not-so-young people.  On the other hand, this is the process of youth, i.e. to experience and learn the intricacies of love, disappointment, excess, and emotional disaster. 🙂  Also, this is an experience and an expression of passion... Something, it seems, that I have grown rather tired of hearing… Well, at least when it is 1:30 in the morning.  Still, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to explain in the morning to my young American female neighbours that there is great wisdom (on sooo many levels in the case!) in the old adage “Silence is golden.”

 

Passion

Over the last few years of my life, especially the last several months, I have been accused of being a dispassionate person – And rightfully so!  I have worked hard to get to this place of objectivity and emotional control (for the most part 😉).  As a therapist, it has helped me in my work to see beyond my own “stuff” (as one of my favourite fellow therapists would put it), and focus in on my client.  In my personal life, it has also helped me to see beyond the “stuff” of the moment, and focus on what needed to be resolved.  In all of this focusing and control, however, I realize that I lost a vital part of myself, i.e. the part that feels things deeply, the passionate side of me.

Artist studio, Eughen (Trastevere) 2.15.11

There are many sides to who I am as a person.  Beyond the therapist, and now blog writer, I am also an artist, a poet, a singer/songwriter, a musician, a crafter and a designer.  I also dance and act, and I have a wide array of other interests, to which I continually add.  These abilities have all been a part of me from a very young age, and I cannot imagine myself without them.  There was, however, a short period of time not very long ago when I was not able to use my hands well due to my fibromyalgia symptoms – This experience was emotionally and psychologically devastating, but it set in motion a series of internal and external experiences that brought me to this moment in my life, i.e. sitting in Rome writing this blog.  For it was in experiencing the fear of losing my ability to create that forced me to confront myself.  I had to look at who I was becoming and what I was doing to myself.

And what I was doing was trying not to live.  Now, I don’t mean in the sense that I was trying to die.  I mean that I was trying a sort of “nobody moves, nobody gets hurt” kind of policy, trying to keep still in my own life, in order not to cause trouble for anyone, myself included.  What I realized, however, was that no matter how still I stood, the people around me would still experience hurt (this was out of my control).  Furthermore, in standing still, I was only causing hurt to myself, because I was not living. (I recognize how cryptic some of this may sound as you read it, but to be more explicit about my meaning would be unbeneficial.) 

Flowers found on Via di Ripetta, 2.18.11

Life is meant to be beneficial.  Why we are here is not for the purpose of being dragged down into the gutter, in order to be made to feel unworthy of life.  Why we are here is not for the purpose of being made to stand still, in order for others (and ourselves) to feel safe because they know where we are.  Why we are here is not for the purpose of being elevated so high that we have no concept of the ground below us, in order for others to have someone to feel proud of and/or to knock down.  We are here to experience, to feel, to learn, to meet, to grow… to feel passion.

Store-front (Campo dei Fiori) near Via Arenula, 2.14.11

             In coming to Rome, I have made many realizations… and perhaps this is why I love this city so very much.  Rome is not a quiet place. 

Rome is “grungy” (Isobel agrees with me on this) and raw.  Rome is sex, food, art, and wine.  Rome is male and female in their purest forms… and all protesting about something!  Rome is laughter, shouting, crying, and cold staring.  Rome celebrates the process of life into death… and back again, plus the “stuff” in-between.  Rome is constantly teaching its residents… its visitors… and me that both within and without… therein lies one’s passion, joie de vivre, and raison d’etre. (My apologies for all the French terms… I know I am in Italy.) 🙂

And so I am off!  It’s sunny out today… and who knows what the city has in store for me. 😉

Woman at demonstration (Piazza Navona), 2.18.11

 

Charlie Chaplin (Piazza Navona) 2.18.11