Leaves must turn towards

 

the colour of rust – Find joy

beginning the end.

-db

I cannot write.  No, I do not want to write…  I have been feeling crappy from the disgustingly deceptive weather that leads you to believe that the bright sun outside is actually radiating heat.  Once you are outside, however, you come to find that it is actually as warm as spending the night naked inside a freezer!  Okay, okay… It’s not that bad, but… The wind here has caused the cold air to rip through your very bones, and every single achy joint that I could possibly have has decided that now is the time to act up!  Besides all of that, I am coming to realize that my time in Rome (this time) is coming to a close…

From a very young age, I have had to learn how to say goodbye temporarily to both people and places (cherished objects inclusive).  Due to this, I have been fairly good at parting ways, and am not much disturbed by great changes in the comings and goings of others.  I learned from early on in life that I cannot control the actions of others… I can only control my own.  Thus, here I am, sitting and writing on an early Thursday morning in my small studio space in Rome, trying to think about how to say goodbye, for now, to this space, the new friends I have made, the old friends I have known, and the city I have come to love.

Ending are, however, simply opportunities (perhaps somewhat forced) for beginnings… That is, unless you choose to stand still, metaphorically and literally speaking, both of which I refuse to do any longer.  Thus, I will move in one direction or another, in order to create, begin, and experience the next chapter of who I am to be in this journey of life.  And who will I be? I do not know, the story is creating itself as I take each step forward.  Certainly, I have a profound sense of who I have been and who I am.  I also have hopes of the ways in which I will be in the world and with others.  Who, however, in the future?  I will let the story tell itself, and allow for my faith in the protagonist to grace me with the belief in the goodness and greatness of the final end.

Doubt

Lately, I have been hearing around me doubt reflected.  What I mean by this is that I have been listening to the doubts others have about my present life and/or their perception of my own doubt within.  Of course, I would perhaps be of the same thinking were I to simply look at one layer of my own story.  I, however, have known my own journey and what has led me to this point… Moreover, whatever doubt I may experience and ultimately reflect out into the world, I understand that it has its place as well, and most importantly, it is only temporary.

For the most part of my life, I have had to be a person without doubt.  I have had to be, or at the very least express, certainty… about my life and my future.  This is the first moment that I can truly say and be okay saying, “I don’t know, but I have faith in myself, my supports, and the powers that be.”  Before I would say (regardless of whatever I truly thought and felt), “I do know and I must make it so.”  Perhaps for some people, the latter statement makes more sense and expresses a type of inner strength.  For me, however, the former statement is more authentic and less isolating.  I no longer have to make myself into the mythic Atlas, carrying the celestial spheres or world atop my shoulders.  I now know how to ask for all types of support because I am able to acknowledge my uncertainty.  It is in times of uncertainty that it is best to reach out and ask for advice from your supports, and not just to keep your own counsel. 

Thus, this has been my process: living with doubt, accepting it, learning from it, reaching out when I need to in order to cope with it, and moving on from it.

I live in childhood

enjoying signs of growth while

nature cycles death

-db