Tag: Musculoskeletal Disorders

Secrets…Being a therapist…Why I blog…

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INSANITY copy

INSANITY copy (Photo credit: Inspiredhomefitness)

The other day my sister, Michelle, posted the following to my Facebook page:

“Why are you skinny people doing this to yourselves??? I thought insanity was designed for overweight individuals???”

As you might imagine, the “insanity” to which she referred is the Insanity Workout exercise program by Beachbody and led by Shaun T.  Nine days ago, I decided to take the 8 week challenge and have been reporting my progress to friends and family via Facebook.  I am happy to say that I have completed each day thus far and intend to continue so doing.

Now, back to my sister’s comment.

You see, she is right.  I am not overweight and thus it would seem that I would have no just cause to take on such a workout program.  Right?

FIBROMYALGIA

FIBROMYALGIA (Photo credit: *SHESHELL*)

Wrong.

I decided to take on the Insanity Challenge, because I wanted to prove two points to myself:

  1. 1. I can achieve a high level of fitness as a person with fibromyalgia; and
  2. 2. I can take care of my body as I choose to without fearing input from others.

——

A world of secrets…

Back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia, my body had been changing rapidly.  As I wrote in my recent posts, I had gain a significant amount of weight in only a couple of years.  You see, before I started graduate school, I worked as a personal trainer and fitness instructor from 2002 to 2004. That period of my life was one in which I experienced a high boost to my body image.  I was strong and healthy.

My weight then was higher than what it is now, but it was never a concern to me.  My major concerns:  strength and endurance.  And if there is one thing that I have lamented greatly since having fibromyalgia was the loss of my physical strength and endurance.

With my weight gain came real health concerns, such as being warned about my blood pressure and having some other health issues being labeled as “due to excess weight.”

"If you had 5 minutes...," collage with magazine and cardstock by Diedré M. Blake, (2010)

“If you had 5 minutes…,” collage with magazine and cardstock by Diedré M. Blake, (2010)

It was frustrating to find myself in that state and feeling that I couldn’t do anything physically about it…like exercise in the way that I had in the past.  I was too tired.  I felt too much pain.  There was a bigger issue though…

Work.  

As many of you know, I am an art therapist and counselor.  I specialize in the treatment of eating disorders.  This area of specialization developed from my second year internship and subsequent job.   So, why would working within this area create a problem for me?  Simply this…

How does a therapist embark upon a health improvement that would mean significant weight loss while reinforcing to her clients that their desire to lose weight was unhealthy?

For a long time, I did not have an answer.  I worked in a place where there were strict rules on how food could be discussed and what foods could be eaten.  Discussion of weight loss, weight loss programs, and diets was forbidden.  This is not to say that these rules were always followed.

The reality was that a majority of the staff was female, White and American; and the fact is that a majority of White American females struggle with body image and disordered eating.   This is not to say that women of colour are immuned to such an experience.  So, as the saying goes, don’t get it twisted.     

—–

 

Being a therapist…

Also, there seems to be a very strange expectation, i.e. that all Black women are happy with being overweight.  I write this because of various experiences I had while trying to manage my weight issues.  The most memorable of these was an experience I had with an older White female nutritionist who worked at a local hospital.

I was given a referral to visit this nutritionist because both myself and my doctor believed that it would be good for me to have professional advice on how to safely and slowly lose my excess weight through diet, since exercise was proving difficult for me.  At that time I was about 50 pounds overweight.

I sat with the lady and stated my reasons for coming to see her.  From her lips came the following response:

“But you’re Black!  Why would you want to lose weight?  Aren’t all Black women a bit fatter that everyone else?  Aren’t you people use to being like that?”

Now, some may believe that I am exaggerating…but I kid you not.  Those were her  exact words that are engraved upon my heart and mind.  I was in disbelief.

There I was seeking help to lose the weight that was causing me severe health problems…and there was that lady telling me that I didn’t need to lose the weight because of my skin colour.  Huh?

——

So, I realized that I had to do it on my own.  I decided to take matters into my own hands as I wrote in my previous post.   The thing was that at work, although I had explained to some that I was planning to lose weight, there was apparently discomfort that I had made such a choice.

Moreover, I did not discuss just how much weight I intended to lose, because that was no one else’s business except for me and my doctor.  Looking back, perhaps it would have been better if I had simply stated a number, even though I did not have a number in mind.

The world in which I worked during that time became closed.  I watched as people stared at me with curious and suspicious eyes.  I listened as people made side comments about me.  I answered as people kept asking me, “haven’t you lost enough now?” or “why are you still losing weight?”

And then there were the painful rumours regarding eating disorders and even my sexuality.  It was a truly discouraging time.  I often felt alone; and between having fibromyalgia and being the only Black clinician on staff as well as the only art therapist, I often felt misunderstood.

My studio space became a place of refuge during the last year of my weight loss.  I watched as people, who were once willing to speak with me or were friendly with me, stop interacting with me.  And, in all honesty, the decision to move to Italy came at the right time as who I had been no longer was.  The new person did not fit in with my old world.

So, why have I written about this or about anything else?

Because it was time.  Especially as a counselor specializing in eating disorders.  You see, even counselors are human. 😉  Even we struggle with our bodies, including food concerns, weight and body image.

It is a strange paradox about the world of psychology.  As a counselor you are expected to help others in overcoming their problems.  At the same time, however, it is seemingly frowned upon by peers if you have problems of your own.

This Cold Hard Floor: II, watercolour and ink painting by Diedré M. Blake, 2006

This Cold Hard Floor: II, watercolour and ink painting by Diedré M. Blake, 2006

There is a reason why…

research has looked into the suicidal tendencies of psychologists (counselors/therapists/social workers, etc.).

There is a reason why….

some of us feel that there is a need to be invincible.  That there is a need to hide what hurts us, to hide our struggles, to hide our true selves.  We walk about attempting to be the tabula rasa (blank slate) for everyone, including our peers…and it just doesn’t work.

There is a reason why…

many of us, who were once bright and shining candles, finally burnout.

There is always a reason why…

I write about this, as well as the previous blog post, to write the truth about a topic for which I held tremendous fear: my weight loss.

I write because I believe that it is the job a therapist to be human and to show his or her client that there is always a path to be found out of the difficulties of life, not just via book lessons but through setting the example by how we live our own lives and how we take care of ourselves.

Until Next Time,

D.

Hair, weight…Results are in (Part 3 of 3)

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"True Mirror Image," photography by Dolores Juhas (2010). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

“True Mirror Image,” photography by Dolores Juhas (2010). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

So what happened after March 2009?

I decided enough was enough.  I was sick, tired, self-pitying, angry at the world and at myself, and just generally feeling that I was inadequate that my existence was quite pointless.

I wasn’t able to participate fully in either my personal or professional live.  It was hard.  When I looked in the mirror, the image smiling back at me was still sad.  I decided then that neither Fibromyalgia nor my mind nor my surrounding was going to stop me from finding a way to live.

"Not the self-destruct button" found at http://www.connectedprincipals.com/archives/4100. I had to include this image... It was just too funny not to do so.

“Not the self-destruct button” found at http://www.connectedprincipals.com/archives/4100. I had to include this image… It was just too funny not to do so.

I decided to do what I could do…take one step forward.  I joined up with two other ladies to do a walk/run for 15 minutes for most mornings.

I decided to do Weight Watchers Online for three months to learn more about nutrition and to be inspired by others who were taking positive steps to make effective changes in their lives.

I decided to become vegetarian, slowly (and I mean very slowly) removing meat products from my life.

I decided to begin learning how to love myself as I was in that moment, not lament who I had been.  I wasn’t always successful, and sometimes I still struggle with that.

I acquired the following books:

I decided to become more natural with my medication, finding ways to decrease the amount of medications that I had to take.  It took consulting with my doctors and taking time to research, but it was worth it.

I temporarily joined a Fibromyalgia Support Group (though I did not always find it supportive, especially when it came to improving my physical health).

I began to speak out more about my needs and take steps at work to make sure that others understood the nature of my illness.

Waiting, photography by April Rivers (Fall, 2010)

Waiting, photography by April Rivers (Fall, 2010)

The Result?

After almost two years of doing this work, I found myself a bit more than 70 pounds lighter.  My blood pressure which was unreasonably high was lower.  My body that I could barely move most days began to move more.  My mind was less foggy.  I began to wake up to many realities of which I was not aware.

And finally, I became aware of something that I knew to be psychologically true…but never imagine I would ever experience.  I became aware of the fact that people were angry about my changes.

I had to deal with rumours about my weight loss, i.e. how I lost weight, for whom I lost weight.

Of course, when you go from a larger size to a smaller size, you need new clothes.  I was fortunate to receive some vintage clothing from April’s grandmother, which were more fitted to my figure.  Wearing these clothing turned into gossip that I was trying to attract men…even though these people knew that I was married and highly committed to my marriage.

"The Revenge of Pride," photography by Dolores Juhas (2010). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

“The Revenge of Pride,” photography by Dolores Juhas (2010). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

There was also a humorous side to all of this (actually, I found the rumours humorous too).  I discovered that suddenly people felt more comfortable giving me compliments.  I even had someone say that they were surprised by how good I was looking lately.

Suddenly, too, many people were ready to chime in on my general appearance:  how I should look, what I should wear, what my weight should be.

I guess you could say that losing the weight brought me both joy and distress.  I was happy to be free from some of the physical difficulties posed by my weight gain…but I was equally distressed by the growing hostilities coming from various parts of my life. Still, I do not regret it.

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And then…

I cut my hair and moved to Rome, which brought on a whole host of other issues, of which you can read about in earlier postings in my blog.

———

Until Next Time,

D.

P.S. Check out School Psychologist and Professor Nina Ellis-Hervey regarding mind and body well-being. Link to her website here. Also visit her YouTube site “BeautifulBrownBabyDol“…You won’t regret it.

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The Next Step…

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True life.

True life. (Photo credit: axiomphotog)

Some time ago, I wrote a post regarding a professor who asked me to do creative writing about my experience of having fibromyalgia (FMS).   It is true that I have written poetry that deals with the subject, and even began a somewhat semi-autobiographical novel some years ago.   Still, I remain uncertain of retaking such paths.  Instead I am now considering what it would be like to write about my process of change, i.e. change towards improving my life.

The reality of living with FMS can be one that is punctuated by a series of losses:  continuous loss of health, loss of self-perception, loss of self-esteem, loss of employment, loss of status, loss of friends, loss of family, loss of supports, etc.  The list could go on ad infinitum.

On a weekly basis, I take time to research the latest developments in the treatment of fibromyalgia.  Typically, the titles are filled with words such as “fight,” “battle,” or “war.”  Of course, I understand the desire to motivate those who are living with FMS by using such words.  Who amongst those of us with FMS, hasn’t felt as though fibromyalgia were waging war against our bodies, our minds, or even our very souls?

27/365: fractured reality/grace under pain

27/365: fractured reality/grace under pain (Photo credit: Samie Harding)

Still, why fight against?  Why scream a battle cry?  Why wage war?  For what purpose?  Our bodies are the spaces in which we exist daily.  Why should we be in conflict with it?

Mother Teresa said, “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me.”  I am in agreement.

I choose never to be anti-fibromyalgia.  I choose, instead, to be at peace with fibromyalgia.  It is a part of who I am.  It is living within my body.  Thus, embracing, rather than rejecting it, is the obvious choice for me.  It is a matter of shifting one’s mindset.

So, what is this next step?  Beyond having shifted my mindset, I have decided to take the step that I have been utterly avoiding for a multitude of reasons.  I have decided to become vegan and live gluten-free (I am already vegetarian).  As some may know, animal bi-products as well as yeast and gluten can provoke digestive problems, especially for people with IBS, which many people with FMS experience.

End of Summer Still Life

End of Summer Still Life (Photo credit: mystuart)

Moreover, I am letting go of other foods that can create disharmony within me, such as nightshade fruits and vegetables that aggravate pain:  tomatoes, potatoes (not sweet potatoes), eggplant, and sweet and spicy peppers–yes, I know I am living in Italy. 🙂

Will this be challenging?  Perhaps.  Is it the right time?  Absolutely.

At the start of this post, I wrote that fibromyalgia can be about loss.  Well, that was my mindset about taking this next step.  I was focused on losing.

In my mind, all that I could see was that I would be losing, once again, more foods that I love (in this case:  milk, bread, and the above-mentioned fruits and vegetables).  Furthermore, the thought of having to “lose” certain foods felt too much like “dieting,” of which I am not a fan, i.e. unless absolutely necessary for medical reasons.

I could not see the gain.  I could not see the invitation for living a peaceful life with my body, and thus with fibromyalgia.

Yes, it is true that FMS can push one to leave behind old and unhealthy patterns, even places and people.  Yet still, it causes us to arrive at a new understanding of ourselves, learning and using new and healthier patterns, experiencing new internal and external places, and meet new people who can support us as we make our journey.

vegan food pyramid adapted from recommendation...

vegan food pyramid adapted from recommendations made in “A new food guide for North American vegetarians” (2003) from the American Dietetic Association (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am excited to have taken this next step, and am doing so with the help of The Vegan Society that offers a mentor for 30 days (The Vegan Pledge).  The next thirty days begin my journey towards a new way of eating and living.  Over those days, I will update as I can, including places in Rome and in the U.S. that are vegan and gluten-free friendly.

Cheer me on, as well as yourself and others, on taking another step towards living peaceably with FMS!

And remember what Mahatma Gandhi said,

“A  man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.”

Thus, think positively about living with FMS.  There is much to be gained!

Until Next Time,

D.

P. S. I will be adding an Italian version of this post as well.

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Keeping It Simple and Sweet…

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Source needed. My apologies. Title is: tree-goddess-march-1

Source needed. My apologies. Title is: tree-goddess-march-1

Today, I began reading the book, 7 Ancient Keys to Happiness: A 90 Day, Lesson-a-Day Guide to Achieving Inner Bliss by S. Warren (Mills).  I am on Day 16.  I have completed some of the exercises, but mostly reading this book has prompted me to spend a great deal of time self-reflecting.

What I have come to realize is that I am a fairly happy person when I allow myself to be.  What I have  come, also, to realize is that I can be a fairly unhappy person when I allow myself to be.  What does this all mean?

Living with fibromyalgia involves living with, not only pain, but uncertainty.  One is never quite certain what the next day will bring.  Will I be able to get up?  Will I be able to function well?  I believe it is the uncertainty that can create the opportunity for unhappiness to develop, especially if there are predisposing factors.

The point of this post today, however, is not to get into a heavy psychological discussion.  Rather, I wanted to point out that what I have found/find/am finding most beneficial to me in maintaining/accessing my happiness is taking care of my body.

Thus, I would say to others, who are dealing with fibromyalgia or any challenges physically or emotionally, find a way to take care of the physical you.  Treat your body as sacred.  Find new ways to make your body feel at its best.

This time it's green tea.

This time it’s green tea. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately, I have been doing green tea facials, which has left me feeling more peaceful and accomplished.  It is a small thing, but an important part of what makes me feel happy at both the start and end of my day.  By doing this one action of self-care, I know that, at least, in one way, I am taking good care of me.

Also, along with taking care of the outer body, there are many books about the types of food that help people with fibroymalgia to feel better, such as

Yes, having fibromyalgia can mean doubting the capabilities of your body on any given day. It may mean that you may disappoint others because you are unable to do things as you have once done or promised to do.  Simply remember this, when all else fails, try to K.I.S.S. your life.  That is, try to Keep It Simple and Sweet.  And never forget that…

Your body does not define your worth. 

However…

How you treat your body does define your self-worth

Until Next Time,

D.

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Fibromyalgia welcomes you…to DIY

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The invitations have already been sent.  The preparations have already been made.  Nevermind why you have been chosen.  Nevermind why you cannot refuse.  Fibromyalgia welcomes you…and asks you

“How shall you live this life?”

The house into which you have been welcomed provides an entrance but no exit.  The walls upon which you now stare are absent of windows.  There are stairs placed here and there, but that lead nowhere.

And still the question lingers,

Ireland: dark house“How shall you live this life?”

The daytime brings some light but never enough to provide sight.  The nighttime brings the descent into the darkest parts of your being.  There is limited sight.  And what cannot be seen must be felt.

Now the words come to your mind once again,

“How shall you live this life?”

Through the cold and the warmth of passing seasons, you use what provisions you have brought with you.  Through the cold and warmth of passing reason, you understand that these provisions are increasingly dwindling.

Seasons

Seasons (Photo credit: *~Dawn~*)

Yet still, the demand persists,

“How shall you live this life?”

There are times when you hear knocking at doors that you can neither see, much less open.  There are times when a ray of sunlight shines through the cracks of the wall, reminding you that there is something more than this experience.

27/365: fractured reality/grace under pain

27/365: fractured reality/grace under pain

(Photo credit: Samie Harding)

There are times when you cannot sleep.  There are times when you cannot eat.  There are times when you cannot move.  There are times when you cannot remember.  There are times when you simply cannot… anything.

Daybreak

Then suddenly everything changes one morning.  You open your eyes to see that you have never left all that you once thought lost.  You open your mind to feelings of hope and joy.  You open your arms to embrace family and friends.  You open yourself to experiencing life at its fullest.

Black

Black (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Then suddenly everything changes one morning.  You open your eyes to see nothing but the all-consuming darkness.  You close your mind to feelings of hope and joy.  You open your arms, only to close them around disconnection and doubt.  You are closed to experiencing your life as you have known it. Thus…

“How shall you live this life?”

By understanding that even in the darkness and emptiness of fibromyalgia, you can still find the tools to help you in reconstructing the house in which you now find yourself.

The reality is that no one can save you from fibromyalgia.  No one can fix this house for you.  No one else can live your life for you.  There is no running away.  There is no mental escape.  There is only the fact that…

only you can make a home for yourself out of this house of fibromyaglia.  And even the act of simply choosing to do so is the first step to finding the door.

Make this house of fibromyalgia  your next Do-It-Yourself project, and have fun with it!  Imagine what would make this house a home for you.

Until Next Time,

D.

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What is left…

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Fibromyalgia Awareness

Fibromyalgia Awareness (Photo credit: Kindreds Page)

…after all has been stripped away?

More than two years ago, I began this blog at the urging of friends and former clients.  It has been a forum in which I have been able to explore both my personal and professional views on self-development.  More importantly, it has been a self-therapeutic process of addressing the significance of what it means to live with a chronic illness, especially as a counselor.

As indicated in my last posting, I have been dealing with an increase in my FMS symptoms, which has made my life more challenging than it has ever been.  Challenges, however, offer opportunities for self-growth, right?  Right.

If I were asked to write a list of all the “things” that fibromyalgia has taken away from me, it would be quite a long list. 😉  Having an “invisible” chronic illness, such as fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue, can mean the loss of sustainable livelihood, friendships, self-esteem, etc.  That is, it can mean the devastation of how one perceives of one’s self, i.e. self-concept.

English: Common signs and symptoms of fibromya...

English: Common signs and symptoms of fibromyalgia. (See Wikipedia:Fibromyalgia#Signs and symptoms). To discuss image, please see Template talk:Adult female diagrams References fibromyalgia-symptoms.org Retrieved on April 19, 2009 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writing such a list, however, provides little benefit in learning how to take steps forward in the new life  that must be created as well as embraced.

Rather I would choose, and have chosen, to write a list of all the things that fibromyalgia has given to me, such as becoming more empathetic, more patient, more self-caring, more creative, more easy-going, simpler.

And ultimately, fibromyalgia has taught me how to ask for and receive help from others. 

The question that begins this posting is one that I have had to ask myself over the last seven years, and especially in the last several months. The answer that I can now give to myself is

“Hope.”

May is Fibromyalgia Awareness Month.  More specifically, May 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  Personally, I am ecstatic that awareness of this illness is being spread, especially globally.  With this developing awareness comes a better sensitivity to the plight of those who are dealing with this chronic illness.  After all, there is a reason  fibromyalgia is known as the “invisible illness.”

Thank you again to those of you who continued to visit my blog even though I have not posted in some time.

Until Next Time!

D.

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He tells me to write Fibromyalgia…

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Days of weakness.  Days of strength.

“Tu sei debole,” my Italian professor says pointedly to me. “Io sono forte.  Quindi io vinco e tu perdi.” 

It is a discussion on verismo and positivismo–the idea that we are what we are until we die and that there is nothing we can do to change it.

Debole…

Fibromyalgia is the body that will not rise, even when the mind commands it; the mind that will not rest, even when the body requires it; the emotions that rage; the emotions that calm–the pendulum of the self that swings wildly with the change of the weather…the change of the seasons.

Forte…

Fibromyalgia is the body that overcomes pain, even when the  mind surrenders to it; the mind that overcomes suffering, even when the body submits to it; the thoughts that beseech; the thoughts that concede–the pendulum of the self that settles slowly with the transformation of self-perception…the formation of self-acceptance.   

Write…

“I am a person who has a chronic illness,” I say to myself and others. “Fibromyalgia and I are not one and the same.”

My professor is staring at me.  He can see that my movements are slow.  I am in pain.  It takes me a long time to rise from my seat, to pick up my books, to pick up my coat, to put my bag on my shoulders.  It is not a good day.  There have not been many good days since late autumn.

“Is it always like this?”

Shamefacedly, I raise my eyes to meet his. “Often enough these days.”

I have no excuses.  I have learnt well enough by now that people will judge you as they will–but he isn’t judging me–and if the judgement is harsh, then you can only apologise for having disappointed–but he isn’t disappointed in me–and move on.

“Have you ever written about it?”

Rilke. Found via Google Images

Found via Google Images

“I have tried in the past.”  The question is not unfamiliar.  Indeed, it was only a little over a year ago that another professor from the Creative Writing Program made the same inquiry.  “I decided to take some space from it.”

It is momentary, the dance of excitement that control his features before coming to an abrupt halt.  Here is an opportunity.  I know it is an opportunity.

My mind already understands the words that have yet to be spoken to me.  My mind has already resolved itself to the task that is to be required of me.  My body feels heavier than before, the skin and flesh of my chest press too much against the bones that encase my lungs.  My body feels more alive than before, my shoulders and my head are relieved of some invisible burden.

“Whenever you cannot be here,” he says before continuing to gather his things. “I want you to write about it. Write about your fibromyalgia.”

In this moment, he is teaching me something I had once learnt, seemingly long ago.  He is teaching me that self-acceptance is a dynamic process that evolves from self-confrontation.

It is time once again to look in the mirror.

——

Thank you again to those of you who continued to visit my blog even though I have not posted in some time.  More recently, I have been struggling with my FMS symptoms and have had to prioritize the tasks I needed to accomplish during each day.  As such my writing fell temporarily to the wayside.  I have decided to dedicate my blog writing to dealing with topics related to FMS until the end of May (which is the FMS Awareness month), including reviewing books as well as activities/tools that have helped and are helping me in my process. 

Until Next Time!

D.

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