Free Write| Owning myself.

free-speech-346x336She’s looking at me again. I don’t know what she’s thinking, nor do I want to know. It’s too early in morning, and I’ve already got a laundry list of stuff I need to take care of–she’s not on that list.

I never look at her long enough to feel her fatigue, just enough to know that she’s not going to break…yet. She doesn’t deserve my empathy or compassion–at least, not now.

I know she won’t say anything. That’s the way she is. She just stares. Maybe later, if I bother to ask, she might say that she “feels tired,” and “wishes that this could all stop.” She complains a lot. That’s why I never ask.

I meet my partner, and we talk about how difficult things are between us. They always are. We complain that we’re tired and that we wish that this could all stop between us. We complain a lot. That’s why I decided to ask her.

I get home. I look at her. She’s still staring at me. I can tell she’s breaking now. She’s been broken so many times–I’m not sure how I’ll fix her this time. I’m starting to think that it’s too late now. That’s why I decided to ask her about her thoughts, her feelings, her needs, and her wants. She says…

“There’s nothing to fix. Just recognize me. Be with me. Own me. I am you. You are me. How long will you deny your fragility?”

Indeed.

Until Next Time, 

D.

 

Fully Funded MFA Programs

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via Fully Funded Programs

This is an excellent list of US-based universities that offer full funding for students in their graduate MFA and MA programs.

Reflection | From up high…

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View from Keisoku Mountain, Japan, March 2018

Many things seem so small, especially problems.

Every couple of months, I find myself standing on top of a mountain somewhere in Japan. Each step upwards feels like torture…and an accomplishment.  I look toward my fellow climbers in awe, at their speed and the seeming ease with which they climb. Of course, I don’t know what their experiences are–they could be suffering as much as I am. The climbing could be a testimony for each one of us that we are alive and still trying.

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on the past decade of my life. At this moment in 2008, I was planning a wedding and preparing for a future that certainly isn’t the one I’m living now. By this time in 2009, I was dreaming of living in the house that I would eventually call home before the year’s end. In 2010, I had lost 80 pounds, was trying to save my dying marriage, and by Thanksgiving, was mourning the death of my beloved pet.

The end of March 2011 found me preparing for my third visit to Rome, trying to figure out how to live life as a single and mostly jobless person. I was still dreaming–this time, of living in Rome. By 2012, I was a full-time undergraduate, living, studying and working in Rome. The following 4 years were marked by a series of avoidable and unavoidable events, all of which left me pretty broken but with a good deal of insight.

By the end of March 2016, I had been living in the U.S. full-time for 6 months. I had gained back half the weight that I’d lost, was in the throes of a serious depression, and living in a highly psychologically toxic environment. Something had to give–I had fallen to my lowest point.

When you’re at the bottom, seeing or even imagining the top can be difficult.

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Keisoku Mountain, Japan, March 2018

 

 

I couldn’t see up or even imagine what life could be like beyond what I was experiencing at that time. However, I knew that there had to be some other kind of life for me.

Where I was, how I was, who I was, and what I was doing…was not my final destination.

I didn’t know if I could ever be happy. I didn’t know where I could go or even what I would be capable of doing. I just knew that I no longer wanted to be a participant in prolonging my circumstances.

I had to take a step forward and upward, even the smallest one. And so I did.

On Friday, March 17, 2017, I began a new journey. I boarded a flight to Japan, a country I’d never been to before. I didn’t speak the language and knew very little about the culture. Still, I knew that I had to take the chance, to give myself the opportunity to change, to begin climbing out of the deepest hole that I’d ever stumbled into.

When you’re climbing a mountain, you have to use both your hands and feet. 

Now, it’s Friday, March 30, 2018, and I’m sitting in a Starbucks somewhere north of Tokyo. My partner is working on her laptop, and I’m listening to The War on Drug’s “Pain.”  I haven’t reached the top of my mountain. Still, I am no longer at the very bottom. It’s a start, and that’s always the hardest part when you’re climbing–at least, for me. There are times when it feels like I can’t catch my breath, like my feet won’t take another step, like my hands won’t support me as I reach upwards. Still, I try.

That’s what I’ve learned over the past decade. All you can do is try and never give up. Every problem is a mountain. Tackling each one means getting to the top. Getting there, however, means looking ahead, taking each step carefully, being prepared to use whatever means necessary to secure yourself…and definitely having those who care about you by your side.

Until Next Time,

D.

 

Sridevi became India’s “No.1” breaking gender and language barriers — Quartz

Acting legend Sridevi died after suffering a cardiac arrest in Dubai on Saturday (Feb. 24). She was 54. The movie star is survived by husband Boney Kapoor and daughters Jhanvi and Khushi. She was in Dubai to attend the wedding of her nephew, Mohit Marwah. Sridevi was renowned for her naturalistic acting abilities, her comic…

via Sridevi became India’s “No.1” breaking gender and language barriers — Quartz

Just a Note: Missiles…

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Image found via GIS

I’ve started this at least 4 times. I’m struggling to capture the experience of being back at work this week. In between the news of one disaster compounded by another disaster, whether natural or man-made, I found comfort in the smiling faces of the children I teach. We sing songs, laugh about strange English words, and do our best to communicate.

With laughing and smiling faces, the children shared with me one of the new English words they learned over the summer: missile. They played games that depicted missiles be launched and then landing…and my heart broke.

They are processing, I am processing, this summer of man-made mayhem.

Until Next Time,

D.

 

 

 

 

Poetry | And then…

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Is this what we do?

Try to remember moments

when mortality seemed mythical,

when walking gave way to dancing,

when story, ours, lacked history, and

when…, and when…, and when…

And then realize the futility of the process.

-db

 

Contest | ExpertAssignmentHelp.com Student Essay Writing Competition ($850)

Just a heads-up about a new essay writing competition. It started back in July, but it does not close until the end of December! Not only are there cash prizes (listed below), but contest winners will also be given the opportunity to author blogs on the ExpertAssignmentHelp.com website. Below are some of the details of which I have been informed. Please, visit the website for complete information about the competition and how to enter.

  • Name: Essay Writing Competition 2017
  • Task: Write essay in fluent English and with depth on the topic
  • Start Date: 10 July 2017
  • Last Date: 31 December 2017
  • Prizes: $850 Total (1st Prize: $450; 2nd Prize: $250; 3rd Prize: $150) + “Authorship on our blogs
  • Eligibility: Open for all (FREE)
  • Participation Fees: $0
  • More information: ExpertAssignmentHelp.com

 

Essay Topics Include (Please, visit the website for complete list):

  • My horror story regarding Plagiarism.
  • My experience of first day at university.
  • Coping studies along with part-time job.
  • Studies, Love, Passion… A deadly combination…

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Happy Writing!

Until Next Time!

D.