Tag: self-love

Self-deconstruction and self-foundation

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"Reaching You," photography by Dolores Juhas, 2011. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas, All Rights Reserved

“Generally, one’s sense of self is formed by observations of oneself and of others’ reactions to one’s actions.  Emotional consistency and predictability, across time and similar situations, are prerequisites of identity development.”  This quote by Marsha M. Linehan summarizes well the process through which each individual goes in constructing a sense of self, beyond the issue of temperament.  It begins from our earliest movements and continues as we move through our lives.  Ideally, our self-identity or self-construct is one that has developed from an initially positive foundation and continues to develop along the same lines, being reinforced by healthy relationships.  The reality, however, is that life may not have afforded many of us such an initial positive foundation and/or the positive experiences thereafter, which would have enabled us to have a current healthy and positive self-construct.

Why not deconstruct? 

In reflecting on the intricacies of my life history, I remember distinct moments, especially as a teenager and young adult, when I longed to have a kind of “rewind” or “erase” button, to redo or eliminate some experience that I thought should have been different.  This type of thinking kept me for a long time in, what I call, the “mistake” or “error” mode.  I was constantly looking for where or, how, or, when or, why I would make my next mistake…  After all, I knew that it was only a matter of time! 😉  And of course, with my thinking constantly and consistently in this mode, I constantly and consistently “believed” I was making mistakes and that everything was my fault.  After all, everyone else was perfect.  Who I was… was in error.  My self-construct was in the negative.

It took the encouragement of some older, wiser women and men (I call them mentors), during my undergraduate studies, to help me to realise my potential and to acknowledge to my positive traits.  With these new influences, I was able to begin establishing a positive self-construct.

It would be a lovely story to say that all one needs is the encouragement of some nice people, and wham! there you have your positive self-construct.  Having encouraging, supportive, and wise people around me was one part; the other part came later: I had to self-deconstruct.

"Not the self-destruct button" found at http://www.connectedprincipals.com/archives/4100. I had to include this image... It was just too funny not to do so :).

No… I didn’t write self-destruct.   Self-deconstruction is what I have chosen to label the process by which a person has chosen to thoroughly examine his or her life.  That is, to take apart one’s self: one’s memories, one’s beliefs about one’s world, one’s values, etc.  In essence, to go through the process of continuing to ask yourself the question Why? over and over and over…. Why do I believe this? Why is it so? Why must it be?  Until you have answers that are truly your own and/or that you can see more plainly why you believe as you do about yourself and about the world around you.

It is not an easy process – I will not say that the process can ever be completed, because I believe it is a process that should be ongoing… just like self-construction.  It is in my opinion a type of yin yang: Self-deconstruction and self-construction are interdependent and interconnected, enabling us to reach a state of self-actualization.

"The Sunflower View," photography by Dolores Juhas. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

And what have you found?

As I mentioned above, self-deconstruction is a process of stripping away, and looking plainly at the self.   What is found there, however, may be deemed positive and/or negative.

In English, we often speak of “laying a solid foundation.”  You could substitute the word “solid” with “good” or “strong,” etc.  The point is that we believe that the start or base of something, whether organization or actual building, should be made of the kind of stuff  that will not be easily shaken, or fall apart.   I believe the same is important when laying one’s self-foundation.

In making the decision to undergo the process of self-deconstruction, with the inevitable self-reconstruction process to follow, one must consider self-foundation.  What type of person do I want to be?  How do  I want to be understood by and engage with the world around me?  Self-deconstruction offers the opportunity to lay a new foundation through acceptance of self and establishment of healthier relationships, both with self and others.

Acceptance of self means taking the core aspects of the self, i.e. both what is considered positive and negative.  The key factor is find a useful/effective application for all aspects of the self in the world.  Simply put, allow your strengths to continue doing what they do best, and work on understanding how your weakness (negatives) can become strengths.

Acknowledge who, what, and how you are

AND

Challenge yourself to see the positive in all aspects of you.

It is a path to building your strongest foundation.

Best of Regards,

D.

Monday, 5th of Sept, 2011: Strengths and weaknesses: How we let others divide and conquer us.

Self-portrait by Dolores Juhas. Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.

Photographs are by Croatian photographer, Dolores Juhas, whose work has been featured in such magazines as Italian Vogue.  You can visit her website at http://www.dolores-juhas.tk or email her: d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk.  She has her own blog at http://themax.bloger.hr 

“How fast does a man run, when the Devil is after him?”

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Under Pressure, photography by Dolores Juhas (http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

These words begin The Book of the Damned, one of the two books belonging to the collection The Secret Books of  Paradys 1 & 2 by Tanith Lee.  Whether I knew it or not, for the last few weeks, I have been attempting to answer the question by living it. 

From the moment I stepped foot on American soil at the end February, I began running from one place to the next, one meeting to the next, one person, one action, one word, one thought to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next… through illness, through injury, through fatigue… Fast.  Toward what end?

Stop.

4.14.11. Less than two weeks later, I find myself in conversations with women on airplanes and in buildings, discussing the passage of time, which somehow always seems inevitably wrapped up in variations on the theme of love, whether absent or present in one’s life.  From these conversations, I have come to realize that I am a person who is content with who I am and where I am in each moment for the most part, regardless of comfort or discomfort.  Life is life, and from it I learn and I evolve.

 

Jet Lag, photography by Diedré M. Blake (4.14.11)

I realize that for some the dynamic nature of love creates an intolerable fragility, internally and/or externally.  In turn, this fragility can breed a need for control of others, and a hostility towards the multiple constructs of romantic relationships and a simultaneous contempt towards chosen solitude.

It is my belief, however, that love is there if one chooses to give it and thus to experience it… regardless of relationship status.  I love and am loved.  It is simple, and I do not need to complicate it.

On the subject of love, however, I am no expert.  Rather, I am simply sharing some recent thoughts, or just think of this as a moment of the odd blog-rambling.

How fast does a man run, when the Devil is after him?

It depends… on how one sees the Devil and how prepared one is.   What is the Devil?  A reflection of one’s self?  A fear?  Moreover, is one prepared to deal with a confrontation with the Devil and with the inevitable aftermath?  Who knows…

I have stopped now as I have no need to run.  In stopping, I have come to realize that I saw the unknown and my doubt as my devils and so I tried to run away from them.  This “running” gave me some relief, because I thought I was doing  something.  And I was doing something in actuality… but that something was nothing good in the end for me, because I making myself more ill as I gave myself less and less rest.  I worked my mind and my already injured body hard… And again, toward what end?

The point is this – What need have I to run from devils of my own creation?  Why should I not see all the parts of myself, of my thinking and embrace them, so as to understand them, and thus to understand myself better?

Jet Lag II, photography by Diedré M. Blake (4.14.11)

Thus, here I am.  Rome.  Still… Toward what end?

Toward the within, of course…

 

Rome – Haiku (Spring)

sun, wind live moment

by moment in Rome, spring – Life

comes with ease like breath

-db (4.14.11)

Rome… Rain… Rest… and The Golden Girls

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Walking in Trastevere in the morning, 2.15.11

Up until this week Wednesday (the 16th), I have been taking long walks around the city of Rome.  When I say long, I mean like 4 hours long…  I am not quite sure how many miles I have been covering, but I do know I have been enjoying myself immensely!  There would be nothing very special about my walking for long periods of time (especially in my 3-inch heels!) except for one fact:  I have fibromyalgia (FM).

Although the fibromyalgia syndrome has become more well-known over the last few of years, it still remains somewhat of an enigma to the general population.  This is due to the many symptoms associated with the syndrome, the complexity of the diagnostic procedure, and also the continued controversy within the medical field over the validity of the diagnosis – Some doctors like to have a specific “cause” they can treat, rather than dealing with numerous “effects” and uncertainties.  Moreover, the nature of fibromyalgia is that it is chronic, even though many people can live for years in remission. 

Tender points used in diagnosing fibromyaglia (public domain image by NIH, from Wikipedia)

I won’t go into the details of the fibromyalgia diagnosis. I will, however, give you some highlights as to what the symptoms are, so that you have a fuller understanding as to why I am writing about this today.  The symptoms include, but are certainly not limited to:

Fatigue

Pain

Cognitive Dysfunction (problems concentrating, long/short-term memory impairment,  etc.)

Sleep disturbances

Migraines / Nausea

 

So, what does this have to do with my stay in Rome?  Well, everything.  You see, since Tuesday afternoon I have been spending most of my time… sleeping. 😉

I will tell you that the onset of my fatigue coincided with a drop in the temperature, followed by rainfall… and weather typically has a dramatic effect on many people with fibromyalgia.  Also, many people diagnosed with fibromyalgia may also have a comorbid diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.), amongst a host of many other diagnoses… (see above links).

As a person living with fibromyalgia, especially as a therapist, it is important to incorporate self-care into my daily schedule.  Moreover, it is important for me to be mindful of how much energy I am expending, how much stress I am experiencing, and above all to keep my mood elevated.  🙂  So, what’s the point, D?

D in Boston (late autumn, 2010)

The point is that while I was in Boston, I could hardly walk down my street, or really do any physical activity without feeling extremely tired and being in pain.  I often woke up feeling tired, nauseous, in pain, and sad.  There were probably many factors that played a role in my experiences (like… well, Boston decided that a snow storm every week was really the way to go…).  Upon arriving in sunny Rome, I found that all of these symptoms seem to fade away.  I had boundless amounts of energy, was never nauseous, had no pain, and my mood was great!  Well… Until this week. 😉

D in Rome, 2.17.11

You see, the thing with fibromyalgia is this – You have these moments when you feel amazing as though everything is okay with you, that your brain and body are actually functioning in the way that they ought.  When you have these moments of remission, it can create within you a feeling of self-doubt.  Why?  Because you begin to doubt whether the pain, the nausea, the sadness, and the fatigue are real…  That is, whether or not you are truly experiencing these symptoms or if you are merely being psychosomatic, especially because, as I mentioned above, there is no known/verified cause of fibromyalgia.

When you experience a significant relapse (and the likelihood that you will may be pretty good depending on your lifestyle), it drags you back down to your reality, which is… that you are a chronically ill person.  Yes, it confirms that you are not crazy… that you are not making your symptoms up, and that they are real!  It, however, reminds you that you cannot live life as though you do not/may not experience these symptoms ever again. 

Thus, here I am… a bit tired, a bit in pain, a bit sad, a bit nauseous… Just a bit.  This week has been a reminder for me that I didn’t leave my fibromyaglia behind me once I stepped off the airplane upon my arrival in Rome.  This week is a reminder that I am still who I am in some ways…  I am still a person with fibromyaglia, who needs to take care of herself. 

And yes, Rome has been good to me and for me, and for that I am glad.  I need also to be good to me as well… And so, I am going back to bed. 😉

 

The Golden Girls

I love “The Golden Girls.”  This is not a result of the new Betty White craze.  From a very young age, I enjoyed watching the show because of the wonderful acting, brilliant writing, and important themes.  As an adult, I have continued to watch “The Golden Girls, ” and was presently surprised to come across a two-part episode titled, “Sick and Tired.”  The episode chronicles Dorothy’s experience of dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), which is a similar diagnosis to fibromyalgia (FM) – Actually, many people with fibromyalgia are encouraged to receive a primary diagnosis of CFS in order to receive disability, because FM sufferers are often denied disability.  Back to “The Golden Girls.”

The first time I watched this episode, I was overwhelmed by emotions because of my own struggle with being diagnosed with FM.  I had been suffering for years with many symptoms, from migraines to immense fatigue.   I had been told by doctors that perhaps my problem was that I was “overweight,” or that I “didn’t drink enough water,” or that I “needed more exercise.”  No doctor, it seemed at that time, was willing to help me put the puzzle pieces together… And all the while, I became sicker and sicker, constantly getting colds, constantly feeling pain to the point that I could not walk, and being so tired that I could not get out of bed, even lifting my head felt like a chore.  It took the wisdom of my therapist and (randomly enough) my dermatologist to help me begin sorting through what was happening to me… To give me a name for what I was experiencing.  And more importantly, to validate me and my stated symptoms, and thus help me to validate myself.  So, if you have a chance, take a look at this episode.  I think you can see most of it on YouTube.  You may never know when you may meet someone like me… who may have a diagnosis that isn’t readily apparent, and not easily understood.

 

You can see part 2 on YouTube.

Reflecting on week one… and Pressing the “Play” button.

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It may be easy to forget, especially amidst my somewhat colourful observations, that when I first started to write about my experience of Rome, I compared Rome to myself.  Today I wanted, to reflect on this.   This is in order for you to understand a little more about why I chose to come to this place; where, for all intents and purposes, I am so utterly harassed and seemingly jarred by its culture. 

In my work as a therapist, I have chosen to focus on two modern approaches to understanding the human experience – I will, however, confess that I am also quite rooted in both humanistic psychology/existentialism and psychodynamics – These approaches are dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and internal family systems model (IFS).  At this point, you might be wondering, “Okay, D, what exactly is the point?” 

Well, the point is that these two approaches have, in essence, saved my psychologically-saavy booty from disaster time and time again!  I suppose, I wish that I could apply these approaches to Rome… If only Rome were a person, with whom I could corner, speak and encourage (Apparently, I am quite good at all three of these actions, particularly the last.  My thanks to April, Doli & Isobel and others who have agreed.) to have a session either with me or someone else (Group therapy even!  I am sure there are some other cities, whole countries,…entire continents, who would want in!). 

Perceptual Organization (Two silhouette/Vase) - Image by Mila Zinkova, who neither endorses this blog or my use of this image.

You see, Rome reminds me of how I used to be, i.e. unable to show my true “Self,” only showing to people (and myself) various “parts” of myself, but never the whole.
   
I will spare you the lecture on IFS (today).  I will, however, try to explain what I mean by the above-statements.  It is like the image on the left – I think most of you know this famous illusion. What do you see?  The two faces? Or the vase?  Either way, your mind will force you to see either one, and then the other, but rarely simultaneously.  In essence, we are seeing only one “part” of the image, and then the other “part” reveals itself to us eventually. 

People are like this too.  We sometimes compartmentalize ourselves, and show only parts of ourselves to the world around us.  At any given moment, ask yourself, “What part of myself am I showing right now?” or “From which part of myself am I operating?”  It is when you begin to realize that you are not whole, not completely synthesized as a human being, that I believe you can begin to make effective change.  Because at that moment, you can begin to become more aware of who you are, the many parts that make up you and why they are.  Now back to Rome.

A restaurant in the Campo dei Fiori neighbourhood.

 
So far, I have been only able to see Rome dichotomously.  I am presenting this picture on the right as an example of the dichotomy of which I have been experiencing.  When I first looked at this area, all I saw was a restaurant.  My eyes, however, were then drawn to the image at the top of the building directly ahead.  Do you see it?  If not, then I will give you a closer look below. 

Religious image on building in the Campo dei Fiori neighbourhood.

Pleasure and religion –  These are the two sides that I have been able to see of Rome thus far.  For me, the merger of pleasure and religion has quite a jarring effect, and has created within me this feeling of Rome as a place of inauthenticity and superficiality.  There are usually and thankfully, however, more than two sides to every story – My own self-development is a testimony to this.  Thus, I am inclined to give Rome a chance to tell her story in a new way, and to keep my ears and heart open to experiencing her differently.  After all, this is what I have done for myself, and as a result I am the most content I have ever been in my life with who and how I am as a person in this world. 

Pressing “Play”

Last night for the first time in a long time, I truly cried.  I cried not because I was angry, or something bad had happened.  I cried because I could actually allow myself to feel a moment of fear, and to let it manifest in tears for myself and my unknown future.   Crying is a healthy action, and I have encouraged it for years in my clients.  It is, however, something I have despised doing for a multitude of reasons.  Allowing myself to cry last night meant something very important to me.  It meant that I was continuing to grow, and to become more emotionally healthy as a human being – And there is nothing wrong in that. 😉

In DBT you learn that our actions/reactions are often triggered by our emotions, and our emotions are triggered by our thoughts, i.e. how we perceive the circumstances that are occurring in our lives.  The point is, if you are able to become aware of your thoughts and to change them, you are more capable of effectively managing your emotions, and thus able to manage your actions.  Why am I harping on about this?  Well, I am going back to my crying last night.

Crying is a reaction to an emotion I felt, which was fear.  Emotions are wonderful and powerful, and a driving force for creativity.  How we choose to manifest our emotional states is important to consider.  Crying is healthy.  Throwing a chair out of a window is not (and no, I have not done this, but I have seen it done). 

As I said our emotions are caused by our thoughts.  So, what was it that I was thinking that caused me to feel fearful late on a Saturday night while alone in Rome?  What caused me to feel fear was that I did not know,… that my life is in an uncertain place – And in that moment, I doubted my own self-efficacy.  Doubting one’s self can be a difficult and life-stopping experience.  It can ruin careers, relationships, and even actual lives.  When we begin to doubt, we are in essence putting ourselves on a type “pause.”  We are holding ourselves in abeyance until we have some evidence of a direction in which to go that helps us to feel more secure or self-assured.  Being in abeyance can feel safe for a long time, but you are not living if this is where you are.  You have hit the “pause” button on your life, and hoping that “something,” or sometimes “someone” will come to propel you into the play of life once more.

However, the reality is this: you pressed the “pause” button.  Thus, it is up to you to press “play.”  No one can do this for you.  You can get help, and there are always people to help, if you are willing to be helped.  The job, however, is yours…

So, I am taking my own advice… I am pressing “play.”  There is a time for fear, and I have felt it.  My life is uncertain, yes.  What isn’t?  (Oh yeah, death and taxes… I know!)  This uncertainty, however, can also be looked at as a chance for a grand adventure and new opportunities.  So, world (and presently, Rome),  I am opening myself to you and accepting all the life-benefitting, wonderful and rewarding gifts you have to offer!

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
-Anonymous