These words begin The Book of the Damned, one of the two books belonging to the collection The Secret Books of Paradys 1 & 2 by Tanith Lee. Whether I knew it or not, for the last few weeks, I have been attempting to answer the question by living it.
From the moment I stepped foot on American soil at the end February, I began running from one place to the next, one meeting to the next, one person, one action, one word, one thought to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next… through illness, through injury, through fatigue… Fast. Toward what end?
4.14.11. Less than two weeks later, I find myself in conversations with women on airplanes and in buildings, discussing the passage of time, which somehow always seems inevitably wrapped up in variations on the theme of love, whether absent or present in one’s life. From these conversations, I have come to realize that I am a person who is content with who I am and where I am in each moment for the most part, regardless of comfort or discomfort. Life is life, and from it I learn and I evolve.
I realize that for some the dynamic nature of love creates an intolerable fragility, internally and/or externally. In turn, this fragility can breed a need for control of others, and a hostility towards the multiple constructs of romantic relationships and a simultaneous contempt towards chosen solitude.
It is my belief, however, that love is there if one chooses to give it and thus to experience it… regardless of relationship status. I love and am loved. It is simple, and I do not need to complicate it.
On the subject of love, however, I am no expert. Rather, I am simply sharing some recent thoughts, or just think of this as a moment of the odd blog-rambling.
How fast does a man run, when the Devil is after him?
It depends… on how one sees the Devil and how prepared one is. What is the Devil? A reflection of one’s self? A fear? Moreover, is one prepared to deal with a confrontation with the Devil and with the inevitable aftermath? Who knows…
I have stopped now as I have no need to run. In stopping, I have come to realize that I saw the unknown and my doubt as my devils and so I tried to run away from them. This “running” gave me some relief, because I thought I was doing something. And I was doing something in actuality… but that something was nothing good in the end for me, because I making myself more ill as I gave myself less and less rest. I worked my mind and my already injured body hard… And again, toward what end?
The point is this – What need have I to run from devils of my own creation? Why should I not see all the parts of myself, of my thinking and embrace them, so as to understand them, and thus to understand myself better?
Thus, here I am. Rome. Still… Toward what end?
Toward the within, of course…
Rome – Haiku (Spring)
sun, wind live moment
by moment in Rome, spring – Life
comes with ease like breath