Tag: Health

What is left…

1 Comment
Fibromyalgia Awareness

Fibromyalgia Awareness (Photo credit: Kindreds Page)

…after all has been stripped away?

More than two years ago, I began this blog at the urging of friends and former clients.  It has been a forum in which I have been able to explore both my personal and professional views on self-development.  More importantly, it has been a self-therapeutic process of addressing the significance of what it means to live with a chronic illness, especially as a counselor.

As indicated in my last posting, I have been dealing with an increase in my FMS symptoms, which has made my life more challenging than it has ever been.  Challenges, however, offer opportunities for self-growth, right?  Right.

If I were asked to write a list of all the “things” that fibromyalgia has taken away from me, it would be quite a long list. 😉  Having an “invisible” chronic illness, such as fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue, can mean the loss of sustainable livelihood, friendships, self-esteem, etc.  That is, it can mean the devastation of how one perceives of one’s self, i.e. self-concept.

English: Common signs and symptoms of fibromya...

English: Common signs and symptoms of fibromyalgia. (See Wikipedia:Fibromyalgia#Signs and symptoms). To discuss image, please see Template talk:Adult female diagrams References fibromyalgia-symptoms.org Retrieved on April 19, 2009 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writing such a list, however, provides little benefit in learning how to take steps forward in the new life  that must be created as well as embraced.

Rather I would choose, and have chosen, to write a list of all the things that fibromyalgia has given to me, such as becoming more empathetic, more patient, more self-caring, more creative, more easy-going, simpler.

And ultimately, fibromyalgia has taught me how to ask for and receive help from others. 

The question that begins this posting is one that I have had to ask myself over the last seven years, and especially in the last several months. The answer that I can now give to myself is

“Hope.”

May is Fibromyalgia Awareness Month.  More specifically, May 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  Personally, I am ecstatic that awareness of this illness is being spread, especially globally.  With this developing awareness comes a better sensitivity to the plight of those who are dealing with this chronic illness.  After all, there is a reason  fibromyalgia is known as the “invisible illness.”

Thank you again to those of you who continued to visit my blog even though I have not posted in some time.

Until Next Time!

D.

Related articles

He tells me to write Fibromyalgia…

3 Comments

Days of weakness.  Days of strength.

“Tu sei debole,” my Italian professor says pointedly to me. “Io sono forte.  Quindi io vinco e tu perdi.” 

It is a discussion on verismo and positivismo–the idea that we are what we are until we die and that there is nothing we can do to change it.

Debole…

Fibromyalgia is the body that will not rise, even when the mind commands it; the mind that will not rest, even when the body requires it; the emotions that rage; the emotions that calm–the pendulum of the self that swings wildly with the change of the weather…the change of the seasons.

Forte…

Fibromyalgia is the body that overcomes pain, even when the  mind surrenders to it; the mind that overcomes suffering, even when the body submits to it; the thoughts that beseech; the thoughts that concede–the pendulum of the self that settles slowly with the transformation of self-perception…the formation of self-acceptance.   

Write…

“I am a person who has a chronic illness,” I say to myself and others. “Fibromyalgia and I are not one and the same.”

My professor is staring at me.  He can see that my movements are slow.  I am in pain.  It takes me a long time to rise from my seat, to pick up my books, to pick up my coat, to put my bag on my shoulders.  It is not a good day.  There have not been many good days since late autumn.

“Is it always like this?”

Shamefacedly, I raise my eyes to meet his. “Often enough these days.”

I have no excuses.  I have learnt well enough by now that people will judge you as they will–but he isn’t judging me–and if the judgement is harsh, then you can only apologise for having disappointed–but he isn’t disappointed in me–and move on.

“Have you ever written about it?”

Rilke. Found via Google Images

Found via Google Images

“I have tried in the past.”  The question is not unfamiliar.  Indeed, it was only a little over a year ago that another professor from the Creative Writing Program made the same inquiry.  “I decided to take some space from it.”

It is momentary, the dance of excitement that control his features before coming to an abrupt halt.  Here is an opportunity.  I know it is an opportunity.

My mind already understands the words that have yet to be spoken to me.  My mind has already resolved itself to the task that is to be required of me.  My body feels heavier than before, the skin and flesh of my chest press too much against the bones that encase my lungs.  My body feels more alive than before, my shoulders and my head are relieved of some invisible burden.

“Whenever you cannot be here,” he says before continuing to gather his things. “I want you to write about it. Write about your fibromyalgia.”

In this moment, he is teaching me something I had once learnt, seemingly long ago.  He is teaching me that self-acceptance is a dynamic process that evolves from self-confrontation.

It is time once again to look in the mirror.

——

Thank you again to those of you who continued to visit my blog even though I have not posted in some time.  More recently, I have been struggling with my FMS symptoms and have had to prioritize the tasks I needed to accomplish during each day.  As such my writing fell temporarily to the wayside.  I have decided to dedicate my blog writing to dealing with topics related to FMS until the end of May (which is the FMS Awareness month), including reviewing books as well as activities/tools that have helped and are helping me in my process. 

Until Next Time!

D.

Related articles

Choosing not to chase…

Leave a comment

ImageHow do you know that you have been running until you stand still?  How do you recognize that your running has been a chase, one that is going after that which is and always will be ever-elusive…because it is not real?

We are born into a world that  sometimes demands of us to begin running before we understand what it means to truly stand, before we understand what it truly means to walk.  Sometimes, we are asked to go after and resolve the dreams of those who have come before us, because they have “failed” to achieve them.  Thus, their dreams become our dreams.  They live vicariously through us (even if they no longer live), and then we do the same to others.

As we begin this new year, we may be tempted to create long lists of goals to be achieved over the next twelve months.  That is, until we have to create newer and even longer lists that include the goals we “failed” to achieve (alongside the ones we now believe we must achieve in order to be “successful” in the process of living our lives).  We may be tempted to beat ourselves up for not having achieved our goals from the previous year(s).  We may even be tempted to simply give up and decide that we can never live life as we are expected or would like to live it.

Recently, when asked if I have made any resolutions for the new year, I have responded, “No.”  This answer, however, is not true.  There is one resolution that I have made–I have resolved to understand why I chose to make resolutions.

This year I have resolved to understand what parts of my desires for my future come solely from me, rather than from the desires of those who have come before me and who have had an influence upon my life.

It is a daunting task.  It is, however, a task that I am undertaking with great pleasure and already happy results.

28I recognize now that the fear-tinged “happiness,” which I have been chasing for so very long, is neither of my design nor is it my desire.  I recognize now, even more fully, that the capital “H” Happiness is not a fearful experience and one does not have to chase after it.  Happiness is always around you.  You simply have to choose to stop running.  You must choose to stand still–at least, this is what I have come to understand in regards to my life.

Stopping, however, is a process.  You cannot simply halt yourself midstep and not expect to fall.  No, you must slow yourself down and begin acknowledging that which surrounds you.  And as you slow down, you begin to realize that you can breathe more easily, think more freely, move more gently. You realize that the path, on which you are travelling, is not so very hard on your feet, on your body, or on your mind.  Indeed, the path is actually one that is quite beautiful even if and when it is isolated…

Beginning late October of last year, I began this process of stopping.  I decided to allow life to show me that, even at my lowest, I can also experience my highest sensations of gratitude and love.

Thus, I would like to welcome this new year with an expression of gratitude to all those who have supported me and continue to do so (even when my path diverged from their own). Particularly the following people:

  • My Mother (who is an emblem of strength),
  • My Sisters (who think and know that I am quite strange but love me anyway),
  • My Ex-partner (who showed me the part of myself that was missing and still loved me),
  • My New and Old Friends (who help me to face myself each day),
  • My New and Old Mentors (who inspire me to reach that which seems beyond me),

Thank You All.

 I hope that You have been able to welcome the new year with hope and joy. 

Until Next Time…

Best,

D.

Related articles

Resolve…resolutions (Part 1)

1 Comment

I would love to say that what I have woken to is all wonderful, and that my time away has been restorative.  The truth is, opening my eyes has meant having to see those parts of myself that are pretty, well…you know, dark.  I am not saying, something like “Oh, woe is me!”   Heck no!

What I am saying is that I recognize that I have been slowly chipping away at all the good that I have worked so hard to achieve over the last few years.  And what exactly the point of that is, I do not know.  It is, however, exactly what I have been doing.  I have allowed my health to deteriorate, my weight to gain, my physical appearance to become disheveled, my thoughts to shift to black, my creativity to be stifled.  And why?

Was it depression?  Possibly…okay, probably.  But why?  Was I missing home for the first time in my life?  Possibly…okay, probably.  Was I feeling lonely and wishing that I could meet someone special? Possibly…I refuse to say probably here, because I prefer denial on this topic.  The point is, today, I looked in the mirror and found myself asking the same question I had asked myself upon my arrival to Rome two years ago… That’s right, it’s been two years since I started this romance with the Eternal City.  The question was:  Who are you?  The image in the mirror did not reflect anyone I knew, or wanted to know.  I wanted to hide myself from myself…and then I thought, Why hide?  This is simply another step on the path to who are becoming.  Perhaps that is a bit too zen…For me, however, it worked and it is still working.  So, I have come to a decision to charge of my life from this point forward.  At this point, you are probably thinking How, D?  

Well, that’s the tricky part, isn’t it?  Imagine if everyone knew just how to make their lives better, wouldn’t that be great?  Well, I certainly don’t know how all the steps that I shall need to take in order to take charge of my life, but there are ten (yes, 10) resolutions to which I have come.

Okay, so I know that one should normally make resolutions at the start of the year.  That’s that whole New Year’s Resolution  thing.  Got it.  Since, however, I have always tended to like keeping an open mind about the future, I’ve never really seriously made resolutions for the near year…and I don’t think I ever will.  Making resolution for the end of the year seems to be something that I can handle more easily… It’s a bit more…short-term.  I mean, I have only two and a half month’s to get these ten resolutions together or stick to them as the case may be.

So what are they?  Well, first I have say that I plan to give a weekly update on my progress in maintaining the resolutions.  Ten resolutions in ten weeks…I can dig it, can you? 😉

By the way, any support on achieving all of these would be lovely!

Until Next Time!

Best,

D.

Related articles

In the absence of words…

Leave a comment

I’ve wondered how best to begin writing my blog once again.  Indeed, perhaps I have been suffering a harsh bout of writer’s block and apathy.  Okay, I concede that writer’s block is not a fairly accurate description of what has (or has not) been happening as I have actually written a fair amount since my last posting… just not here. 😉 

The apathy, however…

It remains unknown to me:  the first moment that my eyes closed to the world, my ears failed to hear spoken words, my body refused to sense external and internal emotionality…  My memory brings me back only to the moment of darkness, a darkness that surrounded my entire being, shutting down access to everything and everyone. 

This was not despair.  This was not anhedonia.  This was (and still is) apathy.   Perhaps a better word to choose would be stoicism in its most holistic meaning.

I imagine reading such words might prove shocking for some who know me.  Truly, my realization of what has been happening was comparative to being doused by a bucket of ice water.

To see not in the extremes of good or bad, to be not in the extremes of glad or sad, to wake each day without hope or despair, to greet each person as neither friend nor foe… this is the result of my process for the last two months or so.  A prevailing sense of calm has descended upon me.  It reminds me of the still moments in heat of summer when we become too tired to think or to move, or even before and after the fall of heavy snow or rain when the world is overcome by the awe of nature.  For a brief moment, we recognize that we must hide or perhaps we have been hiding in order to protect.

It is fair to say that I have been weathering a storm of loss, betrayal, grief, anxiety, and anger for over a year now.  It is equally fair to say that I have been showered with love, friendship, family-connection, opportunities, and creativity.  Still, what is to come now?  What can I make of this moment in my life now that the pendulum of life has stopped swinging, now that it seems to be decidedly in the middle?

I have decided to be content with my apathy.  After all, I have made it through…

Now, it is time to begin a new story (literally and figuratively).

Until next time,

D.

P. S.  I promise to be less disjointed in my next posting. 🙂  Thanks also to everyone who stopped by! Truly, it means a lot to me.

Related articles

Ugly D…

2 Comments

Unmasked, self-portrait by Diedré M. Blake (October, 2010)

I am not a beautiful woman.  At least, this has been the feedback in one form or another that I have received since the start of the year. You may wonder why I would choose to write about such a topic.  Well, the reason is simple.

I am amazed by 1) the audacity of people to believe that they have the right to give feedback, whether positively or negatively perceived, on other people’s physical appearance, and 2) the ability of men (specifically in this case, Italian men) to reduce a woman’s worth to the rating that they believe they have the right to give her physical appearance.

I have decided to present this image on the right of myself, without make-up and with my face fully exposed as well as others in the posting in order to explore the issue of my physical appearance.  After all, if the point of this blog is self-exploration.  So then let’s have at it.  Indeed I have, time and again, written about my feelings and thoughts, so why not my physical self.

—

Some say “Ugly…” 

Yes, my nose is wide, and my lips are full, and my forehead is indeed a Tyra Banks four-finger, possibly five, high.  My eyes are almond-shaped and my left is smaller than my right eye.  My right eyebrow is seemingly permanently arched, because I am always arching it in response to something or another.  Of course, my features may have something to do with my mix of African and Asian ancestry.

—

I have scars…

I have a visible scar on my forehead on the right side.  I have scar marks by my left ear from when I had the chicken pox at age sixteen (a horrifying and mortifying experience, I can tell you ;)).  I have scars under my chin from having fallen as a child and also as a teenager from once when rollerblading.  I even have a small scar on my nose from when I was 18 and felt a need to be rebellious and got a nose ring, which didn’t end up being such a great idea in the end.  I decided to stick with tattoos thereafter.

—

Imperfect teeth…. oohh and facial hair 

Waiting, photography by April Rivers (Fall, 2010)

If I were to smile, you would see that my top two front teeth have small chips on either sides from when I had fallen during a field trip to the pirate city of Port Royal.  I am predisposed to facial hair and like most women I tweeze my eyebrows–no, they don’t just grow like that!  Thankfully I do not have a moustache like some women do–that would be extra work that I would rather not deal with.

—

Kinky, Nappy hair… Now short!

Until November 26, 2010, I had very long dred locs, which I had been growing since September 1999.  I cut my hair in mourning the loss of my dog, Petie, who died on Thanksgiving Day 2010.  Being without my hair has made me painfully aware of the existence of a “hair bias” in the world against women with short hair.  I do not believe I had ever really noticed it before.  My hair grew over the course of the past year, but I chose to cut it again on January 1, 2012 to the previous length in order to start the new year fresh.

—

Tattoos, cellulite, muscles, stretch marks, flat-chested, large thighs, and an ample derriere… I like saving the best for last! 

I am a person who believes in change and in letting go of the past and of that which not longer serves a purpose.  I am also a person who has undergone many changes, some self-imposed, some that have been imposed upon me.  Due to my genetics, age, health, my love for tattoos and changes in my lifestyle (see my c.v.), my body has changed and I have had to adjust  to these changes.  That’s life and I do not make excuses for the way that I have lived it.

The reality is that our bodies will all age.  What “beauty” others may perceive that we possess will change or be perceived as having “faded.”  It is no wonder that cosmetic companies, plastic surgeons, health clubs, diet programs make so much money.  They prey upon the insecurities that have been planted within the minds of women (and men) about their appearance and its relation to their worth as human beings…  Truly, given the onslaught of advertisements in a variety of forms of what one ought to look like, no one really needs to spend their time giving feedback to anyone else about their appearance (unless this person is actually an undercover agent for the ad company, or for the beauty industry, or any of the others already mentioned… then drumming up business by destroying self-esteem makes perfect sense).

—

D. for dichotomy

Self-portrait, August 2010, photography by Diedré M Blake

Thus, this body is the canvas upon which I paint everyday… because, in reality, I see dressing oneself as  a process of creating art.  After all, why bother going through the process of dressing if not to make it interesting for oneself?

I call myself “D.”  One of my professors says that I am a minimalist.  Perhaps, perhaps not.  “D, ” however, is a construction of myself.  It is an aspect of who I am and not my entirety, because it is only recently (in the last 8 years) I began calling myself “D.”  It has been an evolution (see pictures below).  One that has resulted on an image of myself that is to my liking and which I find most representative of who I am.  It is unfortunate that it is hard for some people to balance the seemingly dichotomous images of “D.” and “Diedré.”

Constructing D.

Self-portrait, Winter 2011, photography by Diedré M Blake

But who or what is “D?”  Simply “D” is my expression of happiness, whether felt or not.  I dress in bright colours to bring a smile to my face when I feel like doing anything but smiling.  I put on make-up to remind myself that even the bleakest of days can improve.  I wrap my hair in bold scarves, shape them in intricate fashions and wear them like a crown to remind myself to hold my head high with self-pride throughout the day.

Every article of clothing I choose, from my undergarments to my dress, or my skirt, my shirt, or my pants, is chosen with care and consideration for the body with which I have been blessed.  Some people have been endowed with an ample bosom, I was not.  This is why there are stores like Victoria’s Secret and things like the miracle bra and the wonder bra, etc.  Some people have been granted rock hard and narrow legs and can wear freely the short skirts and shorts that are craze of modern fashion, I was not.  This is why I wear vintage clothing from the 1930s to the 1980s.  Some people have small feet, I do not.  I wear an Italian 39, US 9.5.  Thus, it is typically harder to find shoes in my size and also in the styles of my liking (typically vintage-styled).  Constructing “D.” is an act of self-love and care, and an expression of joy as well as celebration of my body.

—

Learning to love and laugh at myself and life in general…

The journey of my life has been the process of learning to love myself through learning how to accept myself in all aspects, from physically to emotionally to psychologically.  I believe each day that I take a step closer to achieving this.  At the very least, at this point I am quite happy with who and how I am, imperfections and all.  So, for those people out there who find me either ugly or beautiful (some have even said “spooky”), truly there is no need to offer me feedback as I am quite aware of what I look like and of who and how I am.  If you do choose to give me feedback, please think about from where within you and your own “stuff” your feedback is coming, and consider well if your judgement is wise and your feedback constructive enough to share.

Images from starting from top left to bottom right, ages 16 to 33.

—

“My idea of the perfect woman is… A) she’s gotta be hot!…”

(from the documentary “America the Beautiful”)

— Please, visit the link.  Unfortunately, I could not embed the video…

and please notice the man making this comment!

Until next time!

Best,

D.

Apparently being ill has some benefit…

Leave a comment

Suppleness Of The Moment, photography by Dolores Juhas (http://dolores-juhas.tk)

For years I searched to discover its name, this world that was now home.  As a result, I learned many things about myself and people.  I learned too that it is difficult to understand your reality if it is routinely questioned or denied by others… and even yourself.

Growing up, illness was an expense, financially, physically and emotionally.  Then the only option was to “always” be healthy, to deny your discomfort, to deny your fear.  Now acceptance has become a way of life.  Acceptance of a body that becomes ill, becomes fragile, becomes older.

When I finally knew the name of my world, I gained a new perspective of myself and also the world in which I did not know I had been living.  Fibromyalgia was its name and I was one of its many inhabitants.  Some of us were better off than others.  That, however, is the nature of any world.

Under Pressure, photography by Dolores Juhas (http://www.dolores-juhas.tk)

You fear the unknown.  You fear yourself.  You fear the isolation that seems inevitable.  Even though you share with others a common experience, yours is still unique.  It becomes an isolating world.  But solitude has its benefits.  It can force an unrealized willpower to emerge and build a future.

One that is not free of its reality, but that uses it to help you to begin experiencing happiness, experiencing love, experiencing togetherness, experiencing life. This world of illness is mine, but it does not define me.  I exist in it.  I strive to make a difference in it.  I reap the benefits of it–living.

—–

Two  things:  life is a profound and brief miracle, live it as well as you can.

My thoughts are with my friends and acquaintances, who within the last week have lost loved ones or feared such loss.

Until next time…

Best,

D.

self-portrait, photography by Dolores Juhas

Photographs are by Croatian photographer, Dolores Juhas, whose work has been featured in such magazines as Italian Vogue.  You can visit her website at http://www.dolores-juhas.tk or email her: d_juhas@yahoo.co.uk.  She has her own blog at http://themax.bloger.hr

Vision Boards, Love Games & Mechanics….

Leave a comment

Knitting gloves, photography by Diedré M. Blake (2011)

Typically, I spend my time reading, knitting, doing crossword puzzles, watching old British comedies and cartoons.  You know, all that typically sexy stuff.  😉

Well, I have just completed reading Jackee Holder’s “Be your own best life coach” and decided to try one of her suggestions, i.e. making a vision board.

I will tell you that I’ve been making a valiant attempt at creating my vision board.  I say valiant, because my verbal Italian is not so great and trying to find the right types of magazines at the newsstands here in Rome feels like a mini-trip through hell for me.

This is partly due to the fact that all the magazines are apparently kept… sealed.  Yes, that’s right.  Here in Rome, you need to know what you want. And there really isn’t such a thing as customer service here…. So, don’t expect help.  If you get it, then give thanks to the universe. Of course, this is just my personal experience… You may have a different one if you visit.  So, keep an open mind.

(Photo Newsstand in Campo de' Fiori... They usually aren't smiling. Trust me.) Image taken from http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/05/arts/05abroad.html

There is no flipping through and perusing the interesting pictures and glancing at the articles here.  And honestly, my Italianish is so not helpful for saying “I need a magazine with diverse representations of people.  You know, women, men, children.  Perhaps even different ethnicities and races might be nice.”

I’ve been offered, however, everything else from cooking to needlework.  As much as I am a fan of all of that, it certainly wasn’t what I asked for.

At this point, some of you might be wondering what is a vision board. The easy answer is that it is a visual representation of the goals/dreams you have for your life.

More recently, vision boards have been associated with the principle of the Law of Attraction (Remember The Secret?), which basically emphasizes the point that what we choose to focus upon in our lives is what we in turn receive.  That is, if you focus on what is negative, then the more negative experiences come into your life, because you are attracting it to you.  The same is applied to the positive.  This definition is highly simplistic and I would recommend that you do your own research on the topic if you are interested in learning more.

Sample Vision Board, found at http://theartisticmom.com/

Regardless of your belief in the Law of Attraction, cutting images out of newspapers/magazines and pasting them on posterboard or whatever sturdy paper available has been practiced by many artists, art educators, art therapists, life coaches and many an adolescent girl for some time now (of course children and adolescent boys too!)

As an art therapist, I see the process of creating art and the final product as inherently self-exploratory and therapeutic.  Thus, it is possible to gain a true understanding of what one desires in life by engaging in such a process as collaging.  Enough said.

So, back to my vision board.  Simply, it’s not happening.  Although I am surrounded by many cut images, and have carefully selected music playing in the background to promote my most creative self… it’s simply not on.  By now, you may be wondering why I am rambling on about this vision board thing… and why it is so important to me.

Well, as I mentioned above, I’ve been searching for magazines filled with lots of pictures with people.  In essence, I am looking for the images that would go in my Love/Relationships section.  That’s right.  I seemed to have some block against this.  This brings me to my next topic.

Love games & mechanics…

Rome is a city of romance as evidenced by the people who make it a point to makeout next to me in the metro during the day.   I mean, really… I am the last person to have a problem with PDA.   Nor do I have a problem with people who wish to share their personal version of Lady Gaga‘s Love Games at night (again in the metro).  Hey, I really don’t mind seeing if someone is or isn’t wearing underwear as I make my way home to knit…. No problem! 😉

What all of this (including my vision board quest) is revealing to me is that perhaps I find romantic relationships somewhat threatening… (Yes, it can happen to a therapist too ;))  I have somehow managed to put up a wall/block in response to the emotion love and had not realized it until I tried to make my vision board.

Being single again has forced me to examine my past relationships. That is, what I did well and what I need to improve.  This process allowed me to recognize that I had one specific issue that was truly interpersonally and intrapersonally crippling for me.  Even though apparently, some friends were already quite aware… as one said to me a month or so ago,

“D., you’ve really got to work on your professional handicap.  It’s really a liability.”

And I wonder why no one ever to told me before that I was a blatant “love mechanic.”

That’s right.  I spent my time in my relationships trying to help resolve the issues of my significant other perhaps to my own detriment and definitely to the detriment of the relationship.

Even after my friend had made the above statement to me, I still had no idea what he was talking about.  It took reading Lisa Helmanis’ book “Master Dating” and coming across the term “love mechanic” for me to really get what he was trying to say…  That is, if I ever intend to have a romantic relationship of any kind again, I need to give up the behaviour of holding daily therapy sessions with my significant other AND gently suggest outside therapy.  😉

Well, it’s a new year and I’ve got my vision board project with an allotted love/relationship section.  So, who knows what will happen…

Until next time!

Best,

D.

A New Year… An Improved Upon Attitude… A Show of Strengths

Leave a comment

I am not a believer in making resolutions for the new year.

I actually believe that making resolutions can negatively impact one’s self-esteem.   Take one of the classic new year’s resolution, i.e. the I-am-going-to-start-going-to-the-gym-and-go-on-a-diet-and lose-a-bunch-of-weight-by-such-and-such-date… typically, this is a resolution that is often abandoned…  Why?  Well, the reasons given are many I am sure.

In my opinion, we abandon these resolutions as we are confronted by the “realities” of living our lives and our core selves.   Suddenly, the gung-ho daily visits to gym begin to diminish as work becomes too stressful and/or tiring… and the diet that was so rigidly kept to is given up for the little occasions that pop-up, involving dining out with friends, and even the amount of weight desired to be lost may be adjusted.  What was a goal of 10lbs becomes 5lbs.  You get the idea.

Why might this become a negative experience?  Well, if the resolution is not fulfilled, the resulting self-message may be “I am incapable of following through with my plans” or “I’ll never achieve my goals” or “I am a failure.”  This does not mean that everyone experiences things in this way or that these types of resolutions never succeed.  There is a reason, however, for the continued popularity of the new year’s diet resolution. 

Truly, my point is not to hyper-focus on dieting, although issues involving eating and self-esteem are areas of professional interest to me.  New year’s resolutions, regardless of their nature, can become problematic, because they can lead to negative self-talk, and thus lowered self-esteem, if they are not completed.

A New Year…

As we begin 2012, I wonder what it would be like for everyone to imagine that this new year is simply a continuation of last year…  That is, that nothing magical occurred as we shifted from the 31st of December 2011 to the 1st of January 2012.  No magical fairy came by as the clock struck midnight and imbued us with both the determination and the ability to immediately make drastic (or even simple) changes in our lives. 😉  That nothing really happened except that today became yesterday and tomorrow became today…   

What do you think would change for you in the way you acted, thought, and organized your life?  Would there actually be any difference in how you thought and felt about yourself between December 30th to December 31st and December 31st and January 1st?

Beginning a new year is not a magic wand that fixes everything…  It cannot be.  It cannot erase whatever past you have lived or present you are living.  It is simply a marker that informs you that 12 months of your life has gone by.  It is simply a tool for you to ask yourself, “What have I accomplished in the last 12 months and over the course of my life?” and perhaps more importantly, “Given my history and my present, what path am I taking and is it leading me to where I want to be?”

Improve Upon the Attitude…

Ideally, it would be great if everyone would ask themselves the above questions regularly.  Unfortunately, it seems to me that we sometimes wait until the end of the year to begin actively thinking about what, we believe, needs to be different in our lives… and then we make a list about it in the form of resolutions–and declare that we will change our ways this year!

… And of course, we do the same thing the next year… I imagine with many of the same resolutions from the previous year (perhaps 1oth time brings the charm, who knows? :))

In essence, the task of completing these listed resolutions can become daunting and self-defeating.  Afterall, resolutions are typically actions that challenge us in some way.  For example, perhaps there is…

  • something you want to do that you have never done
  • somewhere you want to go that you have never been
  • the task losing that extra weight and starting that gym program
  • the task of getting over that relationship(s) that has been haunting you
  • getting a better, more emotionally and financially rewarding job
  • going back to school
  • starting a family
  • making up with your family
  • finding “the one”
  • unburdening yourself of your emotional baggage

Whatever is included on the list, whether pleasant or unpleasant, it still means taking responsibility for taking immediate action to make a change in your life (ideally to improve that life).  Not only that, it means that once one task is accomplished, there may be still a long list awaiting you to be tackled.  In my opinion this can feel overwhelming, especially when, you know, “life” starts kicking into full gear and we are out of the holiday mode.

 ——–

So, what am I suggesting?  Am I suggesting not to set goals for the new year?  No, I am suggesting simply that you spend the time, instead, acknowledging what you have done well in the past year and looking at the new year as an opportunity to build upon your accomplishments.  Resolutions truly focus on the negative.  They focus on what is not, i.e.

  • what you are not doing or have not been doing
  • what you”ought” to have been doing
  • who you are not or who you have never been
  • where you are not or where you have never been
  • what you have not resolved
  • what you have not accomplished

And honestly, how good does it feel to focus on the negative?  Wouldn’t it feel better to make a Last Year’s List of Accomplishments?

Wouldn’t it feel better to celebrate what you have been doing well and how you have made positive changes within yourself and your relationships?

Just How Strong…

When we focus on our strengths, we generally feel better about ourselves and our ability to be effective within our lives.  So, I say make a list of your strengths, your accomplishments in all aspects of life: career, health, relationships, finances, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically…

You could even make a timeline of your accomplishments, reviewing the last year (2011) or even the last 5 or 10 years.   Once you do this, not only will you have a visual record of what you have been doing to make your life worthwhile, but you will also have a clearer sense of the path that you are taking towards achieving any already established life goal(s)… or if you don’t have one yet, then one may emerge from the process.

I imagine that many of us know, intrinsically, what it is that we want out of our lives.  Some of us are focused on achieving a specific goal in one aspect of life (e.g. career), others of us are focused on multiple areas or are entirely holistic in our approach to our lives and have an overall goal for living.  Whatever your approach, think now about what you want truly out of your life… No, really, ask yourself:

When all is said and done, what type of life will I want to have lead? What do I want out of this life?

Listen to the answer that comes and take that answer as your motivator for how to engage the world around you each day in this new year.  Trust me, if you become resolved within your overall goal for living, the steps to take to move your life forward will come naturally… You don’t have to worry about making a list of demands that you may not be able to meet, because they are not aligned with where you are now and where you are trying to go in the future.

Best of regards for 2012!

Until Next Time,

D.

P. S. Some quotes to kick start the new year:

“A friend of mine drinks a lot of whiskey and is concened about how this will affect his path. Thich Naht Hahn replied: ‘Thats OK if he drinks mindfully, he will realise what it is doing, and will gradualy stop drinking'”

– Thich Nhat Hanh

“One day the Buddha held up a flower in front of an audience of 1,250 monks and nuns. he did not say anything for quite a long time. The audience was perfectly silent. Everyone seemed to be thinking hard, trying to see the meaning behind the Buddha’s gesture. Then, suddenly, the Buddha smiled. He smiled because someone in the audience smiled at him and at the flower…. To me the meaning is quite simple. When someone holds up a flower and shows it to you, he wants you to see it. If you keep thinking, you miss the flower. The person who was not thinking, who was just himself, was able to encounter the flower in depth, and he smiled. That is the problem of life. If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh (Peace Is Every Step)

“What we are comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is this creation of our mind.”

– The Buddha

“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.”

– Joan Didion

“Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.”

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

– Albert Einstein

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change

the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can

change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”

– Jim Rohn