Category: Creative Nonfiction

Travel | Night of the Killer Moth and Other Thoughts at 1:40am

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Image from Flickr

I’m sure moths can be beautiful.  When, however, you wake up to one trying wage war against you, they seem more like a nightmare.

Now, I aim to live peacefully with all creatures. I even apologize to the ones I know that I am squashing as I make my way through the day. If I could stand still and hurt not even one, I would be a happy person.  And perhaps it is silly of me, but I expect the freaking same from these creatures, too.  Live and let live.  Sleep and let sleep.  All right?

Well, that hasn’t been the case for the past two nights with Mr. I-have-nothing-better-to-do-than-terrorize-you Moth.  Seriously, I’ve resorted to hiding under the covers and leaving the light on…which seems to be a good deterrent.  Any suggestions?

While strategizing to find the best way to live harmoniously with Mr. Moth, it dawned on me that I had learned another important lesson while living in Rome: insects have a right to exist, too.  I always knew that, but in the US it seems like we spend a lot of time trying to keep our surroundings bug-free (which, of course, can be a very good thing).

If you are travelling to Rome and you do not have a good relationship with creepy and flying things, prepare yourself psychologically beforehand.  Here, it’s not uncommon to see flies in bakeries (pitching on your soon-to-be-eaten pizza slice) or in restaurants. Seriously, it happens, especially in the warmer weather.  And the attitude is….well., live and let live. 🙂

Strangely enough, I’ve never seen a cockroach (knock on virtual wood).  Now, I’m off to negotiate with a moth.

Buona giornata!

Until tomorrow,

D.

Daily Blogging & Writing Fearlessly

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On Via Fori Imperiali

On Via Fori Imperiali (May 2015)

I’m almost certain that many writers spend time thinking about how to write more, why they aren’t writing more, when they can write more, if they should write more, if they can write more. I’m no exception.

Lately, I’ve been writing, but not publicly. I have an awful tendency to stop writing because I believe I have nothing of interest/importance to state–usually, that translates into “I feel like crap about myself in the world.”  I recognize that writing about true feelings/thoughts not filtered through psychobabble scares the living daylights out of me.  Seriously.

It is a scary thing just to write “I feel…” and not add something about Freud or CBT or DBT immediately before or after it.  What would it mean to simply state my feelings, my thoughts unfiltered, uninhibited in my own little virtual space?  Who knows. This, however, is the starting point.

It’s a promise to myself. Every morning, I will write something, anything on this little blog of mine. It may interest you. It may bore you to tears.  The point, however, is that I am writing what is honest/authentic/true for me. I hope you’ll continue to give me your support.

Also, I an starting a health journey daily vlog upon my return to the US.  It will run from May 25-August 15, and will be tracking my progress with taking better care of my overall (but mostly physical) health, including diet, exercise, hair, skin, etc. I am really ready to commit to a healthy vegan and natural lifestyle, and I would like to document that process. So, wish me good fortune on that as well.

Sometimes it’s when we are about to experience enormous change that we truly recognize the direction in which we are heading.

Until Tomorrow,

D.

How to be a ghost without really trying… (+ FibroArt Monday)

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Photo Credit: Moyan Brenn via CC Flickr

 

Happy Monday! 🙂 (Hope your day& mine is pain-free)

I’ve been thinking a lot about my tendency towards silence.  Actually, let’s back that up, I’ve been thinking a lot about why I am as I am and how to change some core self-beliefs.  Seriously, ask yourself right now, Why am I me?

Some of us tell ourselves that we are too busy to think about such nonsense.  Some of us know that it would be better for us to think about it, but are afraid of what we might learn.  Some of us have asked the question, but have no answers. Some of us chuck ourselves into therapy, but with no intention finding answers, etc., etc.

You get the idea. It’s not an easy question either to consider or answer. Still, this is a question that I believe that we should try to answer throughout our lives.  This brings me back to my original statement about being silent.

Just over a week ago, I moved into the place where I’ll be staying until I leave Rome on the 21st.  My landlord is an amazing science fiction author, who reminds me of a cross between Bukowski and a much slimmer Santa Claus. Yesterday, he said to me, “So, is everything okay with you? I’ve not seen you for the past 10 days.”  Mind you, I’ve been at home.  Still, he was right. He hadn’t seen me.  I had made sure of that.  It wasn’t because I wanted to avoid him, but because disappearing, hiding, remaining unseen is second nature to me.  I erase my presence, even when actively in the lives of others, which may be related to my object permanence issues.  That, however, started way before the memories I can access.

What I do know is that growing up, my silence and lack of presence was something that was valued in my household. I did not stir the proverbial pot.   When I did try to express myself, I was often shutdown and compared with others who I understood had undesirable qualities.

In other words, I was encouraged not to share my thoughts, express my feelings, interact with the world around me, have friends, and generally be a socially-adapted member of society.  I’m lucky that I decided to become a therapist because I learned many of the interpersonal skills that I ought to have when I was younger.

Yet still, I have yet to unlearn that core household rule, which has become an unsettling self-belief: I must erase my presence.

And why must I erase my presence? The answer is rather simple, because the statement comes from my childhood thought: I should not speak or my family will hate me even more and I will have no home.

So, how do you undo the belief that being “present” in the lives of others means that you will lose whatever place you have?  Well, I have no definitive answer, but I’ll let you in on what I am doing.  😉

What I am doing is actively giving myself permission to:

  • Exist – I have the right to take up space on this planet, even if it means that others may be discomforted by that.
  • Speak – I have the right to speak my personal truth, even if it dispells the myths of others.
  • Love – I have the right to love and be loved just because I exist. My loving or being loved is not synonymous with my forfeiting my identity and goals in life.
  • Dream – I have the right to create goals for myself separate from the desires of others. I can dream as big or as small as I want to about my life.
  • Feel – I have the right to my physical and emotional experiences, even if they counter the needs of other people.  If I think the sun is freaking hot today, then it’s hot. If I am sad, then I am sad. It’s that simple. No one can dictate my feelings to me.
  • Be – I have the right to be whatever I am and whatever I am not.  It is my choice.

I could go on for a bit longer with the list, but there you have it. This is my first step.

Perhaps this may be helpful for someone else, especially if you grew up in a highly narcissistic family environment, or what I might call a house of non-self mirrors.

Take a look at yourself today. Smile at who you are, love who you are, acknowledge you are here and no matter what you have the right to be.

Until next time,

D. 

   

Hey, It’s Mother’s Day, But…

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DSC001881

 

I’m burnt out.  Absolutely.  Utterly. Completely. My entire being is spent.  I assure you that this is far from the ideal way to begin either Mother’s Day or a blog post. Still, this is where I am physically and emotionally.

So, beginning with the obvious: I’ve not been writing. Period. Full stop. End of story.

The fact is that when I am this drained, it is enough just getting through the day. Still, this isn’t about my being drained. The point is that I am sorry for my inconsistency as it goes against my own goals and (possibly) your expectations as my readers…then again, if you’ve followed this blog over the years, then you already know about my consistent inconsistency.  🙂

I’ve already apologized to myself and so to you, I’ll state it again, “I am truly sorry.”

I shan’t go into the details of why I am so burnt out, but I will give a summary here: 3-month visit of my mother, 3 moves, decision to leave Rome, health issues, work issues, life issues, etc., etc.

Still, it is Mother’s Day–which I already celebrated last Sunday, believing it was Mother’s Day–and I plan to spend it doing what I think is most important on this day: being a good mother to myself.

I think oftentimes we forget that we need to ensure that we have internalized a “good parent,” especially if we lacked that growing up. In my case, I didn’t really grow up in a family, and lived a total of perhaps 12 years with my mother and never with my father (at least not in my memory).  To add to that mix is the fact that I have older siblings, who are twins. Unfortunately in my experience, living with twins who were significantly older (6 years) meant that I was on the outskirts–they had each other and I could not relate to their experience.

Growing up without parents and without siblings can be and was challenging. To be frank, I have zero concept of what family means in a real sense (of course, I understand it technically), much less have any particular feelings around Mother’s Day or any other family-related days (birthdays, marriages, etc.).

It’s a sad thought to have on this particular day, especially when I have my mother so very close by, which is not something I had for the most part of my life. So…

Where does this leave me? Hmm…back to the understanding that on this day, Mother’s Day, also means taking care of one’s self.  Regardless of your situation, remember that to enjoy this day means enjoying and celebrating who you are, what you have done in your life, and recognizing those who have supported you towards those ends.

So, Happy Mother’s Day to everyone! Please, take good care of you. 🙂

 

Throwback Thursday | Reblog: Roma, che cosa vuoi?

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Statue of Giordano Bruno

Rome is a hard place and I am a hard person.  What I mean by hard is simply that Rome is all stone and little nature.  It is all grit and grime and movement.  I often feel now that I find myself to be same…  That there is no softness, purity, and no patience…  I am eager to build upon the last event and move on from the present one.   I feel as though my life has shown me too much in too short a period of time, and has made me too wise… but not wise enough to avoid this place where I have now found myself.

If you asked me what I want most right now, I would say to be free of all worry… then I would say to remember… then I would say to forget… then I would say nothing… for why should I want?

I despise Rome because it is so much like me – It reflects back to me so much of myself… or at least, who I have been in my many forms.   And it seems that now I am finding myself to be no different from many of my clients, whom I have seen over the years, i.e. wanting the past to go away… wanting to be far away from myself, but finding myself nowhere else but here with me.  I suppose I am human after all.  And so I have placed myself here in Rome, a physical manifestation of all of the parts of me I had come so to resent, but perhaps no so much anymore.  Now, Rome, what do you want?

Nessun Dorma

“Nessun Dorma” (“None shall sleep,” an aria from Puccini’s opera “Turandot.”)

Writers’ Cafe in Rome: Take 2 (Caffè della scala)

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Image by Adam Croft. Click to visit his blog.

Image by Adam Croft. Click to visit his blog.

It’s that time again. Tomorrow, I will be hosting the Writers’ Cafe at Caffè della scala on Via della scala (4) in Trastevere. Event is from 6PM to 8PM.  Hope you can make it out! 🙂

 

FMS | Challenge Yourself to Do Less: Expect Nothing, Celebrate Everything (Fibromyalgia)

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8f304-blackwomansick1Being in pain, bedridden, forgetful, and generally low-spirited can seem to be the name of the game when it comes to having fibromyalgia–It doesn’t have to be.

It’s super-easy to get bogged down in the reasons why having fibromyalgia sucks: you can’t do this, you can’t do that, etc., etc.

Well, how about focusing not on the moment that’s sucking the life out of you, but the possibilities of the next moments?

I’m usually big on being mindful to moment, but let’s be serious: there are some moments that it’s just not worth it. And reflecting on the past can be a double-edged sword. You can begin to mourn who or how or what you used to be, instead of focusing on the positives of the past.

So, it might just be useful to look forward to the unknown future. Allow yourself to dream your possibilities, and then…

let them go.

Yes, let them go.  Whatever you imagine that you can or will do and that you can or will be, let it all go. Why? Because in letting go of having to do or be something, you begin welcoming freedom into your life.

Imagine not having to live up to anyone’s expectations, not even your own. Imagine not having to live in the shadow of your past self or in the pain of your present self. Can you imagine that? I can and do.

Now, when I imagine what I can/will (a.k.a. should be able to) do something, I take several steps back, and tell myself two words: do less.

For example, If I tell myself I can/will do 10 minutes of yoga, then I tell myself I shall do 5 minutes of yoga. If after 5 minutes, I can actually do more, then that’s a bonus.

In other words, challenge yourself to create opportunities for success.

Everyone needs that, especially we who have fibromyalgia.

Take small steps. Expect nothing of yourself. Celebrate everything that you do.

D.

Travel | Mercatino Giapponese (Japanese Market) in Rome

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Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake
Image by D. Blake

Took the metro line B to Termini, then grabbed the 105 to Grotte Celoni, hoping that I would figure out the exact location of the Mercatino Giapponese (Via Casilina 713).

I came to this event two years before, and back then it seemed like a cross between a neighbourhood yard sale and a cosplay convention.  This year, it was more or less the same, except for the cosplay, which was the part I had been looking forward to seeing.

It’s the kind of event where everyone knows everyone.  It’s less about selling stuff than having a reunion with old friends. I didn’t mind it.

Still, it was more of a manga-meets-anime convention that just happened to be in a dancehall that casts several shades of shady upon entering it: stacks of comics and posters everywhere, Japanese dolls and anime/manga characters lined up, handcrafted jewelry and used clothes that reminded me of my goth days, and random Italian pop music playing.

It didn’t phase me when I saw the telltale Italian cornetti (croissants) and espresso at the bar. After all, I’m in Rome. Still, I was hoping to find something more…Japanese.

Only a handful of vendors were selling things other than anime/manga items. There were kimonos, Japanese socks, bookmarkers and, of course, food…but that’s a whole other tale. In the meanwhile, enjoy the photos. 😉

D.

 

 

Writers’ Cafe at Meccanismo in Piazza Trilussa (Rome)

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Image found via GIS and modified with Gimp. Click to visit event's page on FB.

Image found via GIS and modified with Gimp. Click to visit event’s page on FB.

I’ve decided to begin a writers’ social in the early evenings on Thursdays.  Ideally, it will become a space for writers (any genre) of all levels to share their thoughts about writing and their personal work, provide support and inspiration for each other.

Hopefully, we can make this into a community. 🙂

If you are in Rome, hope to see you on Thursday at Meccanismo in Piazza Trilussa!

—-

Wanting To Share Your Work With An Audience?

Don’t Forget: Jahan Genet’s

Suddenly Every Wednesday at Bar Garbo in Trastevere!

Best,

D.

An Open Letter to Nature…

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Image Found via GIS

Image Found via GIS

Rome, Italy, October 23, 2014

 

Dear Nature,
I am writing to you, because…well, I know you’ve been struggling for some time now. I know that your relationship with (some) people has caused you to feel a bit unsettled…and really, you’re not to blame for the condition your in.

However, just for this moment, I wondered if you could consider Susan Powter’s advice from in the 1990s, and simply Stop the Insanity.

I think the 30° drop in temperature in the course of 24 hours may be somewhat of an overreaction. Really, there was no need to go from 78°F to 46°F without real warning.

Of course, I may be wrong about this. I am just thinking that we could solve this with a little group therapy. What do you think?

Your loving inhabitant,
D