Hitachinaka, Ibaraki, Japan. I cried today. It’s my way of coping with difficult situations, especially those in which I have limited freedom to speak my thoughts.
Surely, we can say whatever we want to whomever whenever…as long as we are willing to deal with the consequences. I prefer to let my tears speak rather than my mouth because I would rather the judgment of my tears than the recklessness of my words.
For many years, I felt ashamed of my tears. I thought crying made me inherently wrong and weak. I wanted to be stoic because that symbolized emotional strength, the ability to “endure pain and hardship without showing [one’s] feelings or complaining.”
In my experience of living in Japan, being stoic has been elevated to an art form. It seems to be the preferred business stance. It can make showing emotions seem not only embarrassing but potentially job threatening.
Still, I am learning that it is far more important to me to be myself, whatever and however that self is. I cried today at work and will likely cry again in the future. Expressing my emotions through tears is just the way I am. I cry when I happy, sad, angry, and fearful.
And nowadays, when I finish crying, I feel a profound sense of relief and release. I can breathe and move freely once again.
Somewhere, Tokyo. For some time now, I’ve been decoding and rewriting my mental programming script. It’s been a slow and challenging process, but an exciting and rewarding experience. Today represented the rewriting of another line of code: I went to Tokyo.
Since arriving in Japan, I have travelled little outside of my prefecture. However, the few times that I have ventured out have been marked by emotionally and mentally difficult experiences. Tokyo (or the thought of spending time there), in particular, has been a trigger for unwelcomed memories, anxiety and thoughts and feelings about self. So, I decided it was time to tackle that. I made a plan with a dear friend to meet in Shibuya for lunch and shopping.
109 Mall, Tokyo
The morning started early for me (I left home at 5:00 to catch the train), and I could feel my anxiety level rise with every step I took to the train station. Luckily, I brought my knitting and crochet to help manage those feelings. By the time I arrived in Tokyo, I felt ready to see the city with an open mind and without the weight of the past.
I met my friend as planned, walked around the city, visited shops, had a great lunch, and laughed a lot. It was fantastic! I felt…happy. More importantly, I felt strong, confident about myself and my place in the world. I am truly grateful to my friend, who has been a like a ray of sunshine for me on emotionally cloudy days. Thanks!
There is nothing more sobering than experiencing significant loss, especially when that loss hits very close to home. At those times, knowing what to do can be challenging, and finding support may prove difficult. These are the moments that can have the greatest impact on how you define yourself and your relationships with those around you and the world as a whole. More importantly, significant loss forces you to realize that you may be, after all, alone in this world.
There are some who will disagree with the following statement: when you experience significant loss, the likelihood of becoming a social pariah increases dramatically. You don’t have to look very far to see the truth of it. Just look at the rise and fall of celebrities.
The fact is that when you have everything or are seemingly rising to the top of the social strata, you will find yourself surrounded by more people, for good or ill. Conversely, when you lose everything or are seemingly hitting rock bottom, there will be fewer people remaining by your side. It’s a harsh reality, but a truth that each person going through or who has been through significant loss has to face: you might just be very much on your own.
I decided to write about this because of my observations and personal experiences since becoming ill with fibromyalgia. As I have written many times, having fibromyalgia means experiencing significant loss, especially of self. However, you gain a great deal alongside that loss. You find out, for example, who your true supports are and what really matters to you in life.
Fibromyalgia forces a mental housecleaning (if you allow it) and life cleaning. It forces you to question the reality that you have chosen to live and then asks you to prove the worth of that reality, i.e. is your reality one that is worth enough for you to fight for it?
While you attempt to answer that question, those around you will have to answer this one: is this person worthwhile to keep in my life? Of course, the question may not be so direct in nature, but that is what it comes down to: your worth = potential benefit in their lives. If you worth is diminished, so is the benefit that they experience.
Whether or not anyone wants to agree, the fact is that, for some people, relationships are based on benefits. There are relatively few relationships that I have observed that function solely on selflessness. Some people care as long as there is something to benefit from giving that care. However they define benefit doesn’t matter. The key thing is whether or not they are still capable of receiving that benefit if they maintain a relationship with you.
I have found that having fibromyalgia or any chronic illness can make you become completely self-focused because you are having to, maybe for the first time, expend a lot of mental energy on understanding how to improve your health and how to survive on a daily basis. During that period, your ability to care for your relationships, work, and other commitments declines. However long you spend during that period of uncertainty has a direct impact on your relationships, work and other commitments. Given the recurrent and potentially severe nature of fibromyalgia symptoms, you may will find yourself repeatedly going through this experience.
After some time, you may find yourself friendless, jobless and uncertain of what to do next. Perhaps you are already at that point.
Keep faith and do not despair.
There is a flip side to losing everything, to hitting rock bottom, and to being utterly uncertain. Beyond choosing to remain where you are, there is the other option: gaining everything, reaching for the sky, and becoming driven.
All it takes is deciding to see yourself in a new person.
Too often we get bogged down in the identity that we have created or accepted for ourselves. To truly move forward after losing everything means accepting that you are no longer who you used to be. It means shedding your old identity.
It doesn’t matter what age you are when fibromyalgia entered your life, you can still reinvent yourself. In fact, I think the older you are, the more important it is to choose to reinvent yourself. No matter how difficult it may seem.
Reinventing yourself is what I call a process-decision. It’s an ongoing experience of deciding and allowing for various internal and external processes to occur to manifest change. It begins with simply stating to yourself that you are have already changed and are constantly changing.
Of course, there are many practical steps that you can take to begin that process now.
Look out for Part 2
Until then,
D.
Check out my latest Vlog post on dealing with depression and anxiety.
"The Girl With The Field Of Dreams," photogragh by Dolores Juhas (2011). Copyright (c) Dolores Juhas. All Rights Reserved.
“Try hard not to create too much hope and fear, for they only engender more mental gossip.” – Sogyal Rinpoche (Glimpse of the Day)
Today, I was gripped by a sudden feeling of anxiety for someone, whose path is now divergent from my own. And I allowed that anxiety to take possession of my entire physical and mental being, and a profound worry for this person’s well-being overcame me.
I even went so far as to attempt to make contact to send well-wishes, because I had this fearful thought that “something horrible had happened or is happening.”
Upon reflection, I do not nor did not regret either making contact or wishing this person well. I wondered only why I allowed this feeling of anxiety to take control of my thoughts and actions… Then I realized…
The anxiety stemmed from one thought, “I no longer know what is happening to this person, whether this person lives or dies. I am not privvy to this knowledge.”
My immediate emotional reaction to that thought was fear/anxiety. I began to worry whether or not this person were in danger, whether or not this person lived, whether or not this person needed help, etc. You get the idea here… There was a lot of worrying going on in that moment.
The point is this: Instead of going to the utter negative, i.e. “Something horrible is happening to this person and I am scared,” I could have gone to the positive, “Something wonderful is happening to this person and I am glad.” 🙂
Allowances…
So, allow the thoughts of former loved ones, friends, and acquaintances to come into your mind as they will (seemingly randomly… Although they are probably caused by something in the immediate environment that illicits a memory). Allow your mind to wonder about where these persons are now, how their lives have changed, and what future they hope to have. Allow, too, the worries that may come or other feelings that you may find challenging to manage…
Remember, however, that our feelings are based upon our thoughts.
We can paint in our minds images of positive happenings for those, with whom we are no longer connected. We can see them surrounded by joy, by loved ones, by success, by good weather (I’m just seeing if you are paying attention here ;)).
Yes, even for those who may have caused us great hurt, we can still imagine them being surrounded by happiness in our minds. At this point, you might ask, Why, D?
Well, focusing your mind on the positive brings about positive emotions. Yes, there may be a part of you that wishes that things weren’t going all that well for a specific person. Remember, however, that spending time focusing on those negative thoughts only brings about more of those types of emotions… You know, the ones that you may find challenging or negative.
And really, who wants to spend all, or even some, of their time feeling angry, sad, envious, guilty, ashamed, fearful, and disgusted? And if you do, then… you should contact me…
Rewinding the clock
If I were able to rewind the last two hours of my life (because this really all just happened now), I would have done a couple of things differently:
As I mentioned above, I would have reframed my thinking. That is, I would have confronted that initial thought that provoked such disruptive feelings and found a way to disprove the thought, in order to replace thought. Seriously, what proof had I that “something horrible” is happening? None. Equally, I have no proof that “something wonderful” is happening either. It is, however, more beneficial emotionally, psychologically, and physically to focus on the positive as it helps me to maintain a manageable stress level (which in general I keep quite low).
I would have waited at least until the morning to decide on whether or not to make contact. I often find that a good night’s sleep does wonders to refocusing our emotional space and in clarifying our plans of action. (I will make allowances for myself today, because I had a touch of insomnia last night 😉)
I would have contacted a friend. Talking to friends about the situation is helpful. Going over worries with someone who knows us well and/or the other person can help to bring necessary objectivity, which will help in gaining insight into our feelings.
I would have written a letter or written in my journal. Writing our thoughts down truly helps to “get it all out” of our system and offers a creative outlet for expression. We may even be able to write our way through the problem to a reasonable solution.
I would have remembered that this person is an adult and care take care of his or her own life. If he or she needed me, then it is easy enough to make contact in this age of technology. That’s right. No one has somehow destroyed all cellular phones, computers, regular phones, the post office, or this person’s feet. If he or she wanted to be in contact, then he or she would find a way. Trust me.
All in all, it was good to think of and envision wonderful things for this person today (i.e. after the panic). I am glad that our paths crossed. And no, there was no response to my attempt at contact… but that was never the point. 😉
Toward the within... 