Fiction | Broken Heel

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Image from About.com

Leila twisted her right ankle again.  Her right arm still hurt, too.  Plus, she was out of breath. On the ground lay the right heel of the knock-off Jimmy Choo’s she had only bought the day before. I need it, she thought.  She had already lost one customer for the day, and going home was not an option.

-db

Word count: 58

The Metamorphosis and Chronic Illness…

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‘What’s happened to me,’ he thought. It was no dream. His room, a proper room for a human being, only somewhat too small, lay quietly between the four well known walls…

Gregor’s glance then turned to the window. The dreary weather (the rain drops were falling audibly down on the metal window ledge) made him quite melancholy. ‘Why don’t I keep sleeping for a little while longer and forget all this foolishness,’ he thought. But this was entirely impractical, for he was used to sleeping on his right side, and in his present state he couldn’t get himself into this position. No matter how hard he threw himself onto his right side, he always rolled again onto his back. He must have tried it a hundred times, closing his eyes, so that he would not have to see the wriggling legs, and gave up only when he began to feel a light, dull pain in his side which he had never felt before. 

Read The Metamorphosis here.

It’s been ages since I have read Franza Kafka’s novella The Metamorphosis.  I think I must have been in high school or college when I first came across this story.  Although I found it interesting, I didn’t connect with it beyond the scope of necessary literary analysis.  Twenty years later, however, I recognize myself within the character of Gregor, i.e. someone trying to adjust to a significant physical and psychological change.  I understand the hostilities that Gregor has to endure because of his change, whether direct or indirect, because I have been on the receiving end of such behaviours.

Making meaning of one’s life is a challenging task in the face of external expectations and dependency. Having a chronic illness that significantly incapacitates me and, as such, makes me reliant upon the good graces of others, I count myself fortunate that I am afforded the time and accommodations to seek my own meaning and reinvention of self.

To my mother and all those who choose to understand, you have my undying gratitude.

D.

 

 

Fibromyalgia & Maintaining Hope

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Maintaining hope is a matter of discipline.  Hope isn’t not magically bestowed upon you. It’s not something packaged in the form of the latest prescription your doctor wants you to try.  You can’t purchase it from your neighbourhood 24-7 pharmacy. You learned it from someone somewhere at some point in your life, oftentimes in childhood.  Hope is a skill.  As such, the old adage of  use it or lose it applies to it as well.  This is especially true if you have a chronic illness.

Having a chronic illness isn’t the end of the world, although it may feel like it.  To be blunt, it sucks to have a chronic illness.  However, in the difficulties that having any illness can bring, there is wisdom and compassion to be gained.  Still, being constantly ill or never knowing when next illness will strike can create feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, which can lead to or may signal depression.    In fact, despite being a mental health counselor and expressive therapist, I have felt hopeless and helpless at various points in my illness–a good portion of it being related to having to redefine my self-concept, rather than the illness itself.

I found that the more I refused to let go of what/who I was, the more frustrated and sad I became.  However, each time I conceded to a limitation and took steps to adjust to it, I felt freer and more hopeful.  As I have written many times, chronic illnesses take away many things from you, but they also give something to you.  Whether or not you choose to understand that there is a gift (or gifts) is up to you.

Chronic illnesses, as much as they can create havoc in your life, they also can make things really simple, especially decisions. Still, you have to see through the chaos of your symptoms (physical and mental) to the clarity of your will.  To help myself see beyond the difficulty of the any moment related to my fibromyalgia, I ask myself the following question:

Will I allow my illness to devour me?  

The answer is always no. I refuse to be held hostage to my illness.  Like all other things about myself that I cannot change, I have accepted that my illness is a part of me.  I don’t need to focus on changing it.  I need to focus on living with it, learning from it, and moving beyond it.  This is how I maintain a hopeful attitude about my life and my illness.

I no longer see my illness as something I need to or can fix.  If the experts come up with something definitive in the future that will alleviate me of my illness, then great.  Otherwise, I choose to focus on making peace with having fibromyalgia, rather than fighting it.  In those moments when I am feeling my worst, I choose to focus on how my illness is helping me, rather than how it may be hindering me. 

My hope is grounded in the belief that I can live successfully with fibromyalgia, regardless of what it takes away…because I believe it always gives me something in return.  Because of this belief, I also know that I can and will always find a way to help myself, even if the way is not immediately shown to me. I suppose what I’ve learned is that

Hope is about riding the waves of uncertainty…with a keen sense of direction. 😉

  D.

Check out this post by a fellow  Wordpress blogger: When Chronic Illness Causes Depression

Courage to Stand Still: Why Doing Nothing Might Just Be the Best Plan

Found via Google image search.

Found via Google image search.

As a recent graduate (and even in the months before, there was one question that many people wanted me to answer:  So, what are your plans?  Or the other variation: So, what are you going to do now? Or there is also this one: So, what’s next?

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me those questions act like an unintentional stranglehold. It’s as though having completed full-time studies for the past 3+ years while trying to work and dealing with my chronic illness wasn’t enough.  It’s as though stopping to take in life for moment is unacceptable.  We must know what were going to do next, achieve next, be next.

Well, heck, what about just being able to be where we are right now? How about just being who we are right now? Celebrating that and nothing else. I know it’s not the fault of those who have asked the question.  Many of us are trained to think in this manner, i.e. we are only as good as our next potential achievement.

In my opinion, these types of questions can cause anyone in transition to take on that deer caught in headlights look. Seriously.

Surely enough, there are many who already have answer, who are ready for the question because they’ve had enough training to know that they “should” have a plan for the next step.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Actually, kudos to them for having a plan.

For me, what I’ve learned over the past several years is that planning (and over-planning) about the future is sometimes not the answer.  Yes, have plans, have goals, have ideas about the future. However, stand still for a moment and be with the present.

Living in the now, without focusing on what is come next, can be very useful. It can help you to appreciate where you have been, who you have become, why you are, how you came to be.  No, I’m not trying to get existential on you.  It’s just the reality that we really ought to take a time out just for ourselves.

Have the courage to say “I don’t know.” when asked about the future, even if you do have plans; or use my personal favourite: I’m not there yet, but once I am, I’ll let you know.

Happy Wednesday!

Until tomorrow,

D.

Writers’ Cafe in Rome: Take 2 (Caffè della scala)

Image by Adam Croft. Click to visit his blog.

Image by Adam Croft. Click to visit his blog.

It’s that time again. Tomorrow, I will be hosting the Writers’ Cafe at Caffè della scala on Via della scala (4) in Trastevere. Event is from 6PM to 8PM.  Hope you can make it out! 🙂

 

Travel | Mercatino Giapponese (Japanese Market) in Rome

Took the metro line B to Termini, then grabbed the 105 to Grotte Celoni, hoping that I would figure out the exact location of the Mercatino Giapponese (Via Casilina 713).

I came to this event two years before, and back then it seemed like a cross between a neighbourhood yard sale and a cosplay convention.  This year, it was more or less the same, except for the cosplay, which was the part I had been looking forward to seeing.

It’s the kind of event where everyone knows everyone.  It’s less about selling stuff than having a reunion with old friends. I didn’t mind it.

Still, it was more of a manga-meets-anime convention that just happened to be in a dancehall that casts several shades of shady upon entering it: stacks of comics and posters everywhere, Japanese dolls and anime/manga characters lined up, handcrafted jewelry and used clothes that reminded me of my goth days, and random Italian pop music playing.

It didn’t phase me when I saw the telltale Italian cornetti (croissants) and espresso at the bar. After all, I’m in Rome. Still, I was hoping to find something more…Japanese.

Only a handful of vendors were selling things other than anime/manga items. There were kimonos, Japanese socks, bookmarkers and, of course, food…but that’s a whole other tale. In the meanwhile, enjoy the photos. 😉

D.

 

 

NaNoWriMo Mo’ Mo’!

Click to Sign Up for NaNoWriMo 2014

In case you were wondering…yes, I am doing NaNoWriMo this year. I won’t be sharing my progress often as I am quite miserable at being regular in taking such tasks.  Also, I shan’t share my goal at this time.  Once I’ve achieved it, then I will share it. 😉  No jinxing the flow!  About midway through and at the end, I will give updates.

I will also say that I am working on a rewrite of the work I started…two years ago. If you are curious, you can check my #NaNoWriMo tag. 😀  Wish me luck & Happy Writing!

Want to connect on NaNoWriMo? Username: diemblake

Until Next Time,

D.

October Was “Talk About Your Medicines” Month! It’s The Final Day, So I’m Talking

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About a week ago, I was contacted by the Community Awareness Coordinator of The American Recall Center. From this contact, I learned something about the month of October that I had I never imagined existed: Talk About Your Medicines Month.

Medication Awareness Spolight: Xarelto (Click to Learn More)

Image Found: Black Press USA, http://www.blackpressusa.com. Click for article on migraine.

Discussing medications is one of those topics that, unfortunately, may be deemed taboo.  Although a whopping 70% of Americans take prescribed medications, making this fact known may leave one feeling stigmatized and may even repercussions, particularly there is a bias for those who take medication due to mental health issues.  A recent study in the UK “revealed that 94 per cent of UK leaders admit prejudice against sufferers remains an issue in their organization.”  The research also indicated that “a third of business leaders think that employees with mental health illness will fail to return to full productivity…they labeled these staff members as unpredictable, weak and erratic.”

From my own limited observations, I have seen people engage in a dichotomous categorization of illness:  “good illnesses” (e.g. cancer) that are worthy of sympathy, and “bad illnesses” (e.g. bipolar disorder) that are unworthy of sympathy.  Anyway, I could go on about this forever.

The point of this piece is for me to talk about my medications.

Image From NJ Family: Article “Help the Medicine Go Down.” Click to read.

 

To the tell truth, I have hated taking any form of medication since childhood.  I hate it now.  Still, I have to do it, i.e., if I want to live my life more fully. That’s the simple fact.  The medications I take are two: bupoprion and aldactone.  The buproprion is for symptoms related to my fibromyalgia, while the aldactone is for high blood pressure.  Other than that I take a multivitamin and call it a day.  In the interest of length, I discuss only buproprion, especially as it is more relevant to the main theme of my blog, i.e. fibromyalgia care.

 

Buproprion

Just so we are clear, buproprion is the generic name for the well-known medication Wellbutrin; and it is a commonly prescribed medication in the treatment of fibromyalgia–perhaps not as common as Cymbalta (duloxetine hydrochloride).

Buproprion, an atypical antidepressant, was prescribed for me because I am sensitive to more typical antidepressant medications like Cymbalta. Buproprion works to alleviate issues with fibro-fog and fatigue, also it helps me with seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.).

Although taking buproprion has been an overall positive experience, it is important to consider the side effects that a medication can have.  In the case of buproprion, it can cause “agitation, dry mouth, insomnia, headache, nausea, constipation, and tremor…Seizures also occur, especially at higher doses.”

Do experience some or all or none of the side effects?  Well, I would say that I experience some, in particular dry mouth and insomnia.  The insomnia can be highly problematic, and it is still something I am working to fully resolve.  The dry mouth is less problematic, so that I am okay with letting it be.

In essence, for me, the benefits associated with taking buproprion far outweigh the drawbacks experienced as side effects.

Image From Essence Magazine: Article “Why Talking to Your Doctor is the Best Medicine.” Click to read.

What You May Need to Consider:

With any medication, its interaction with your body is unique.  Thus, what I have stated in this post is particular to me, and may not be right for you.

It is important to create an ongoing dialogue with your healthcare provider.  While living in Italy, I have been fortunate to have access to medical support and have a weekly check-in that helps me to keep on track.

For the most part, I see my illness as stable and with a somewhat recognizable pattern.  Still, I make certain that I keep track of how both my body and mind are functioning.   

It is important to remember to take your medication.  I take all my medications at the same time.  That was something I considered and always consider when agreeing to take a medication–taking all of my medications at the same time allows me to create an easy and maintainable pattern. Do whatever you know has helped you in the past to create a routine.

 

Most importantly, remember that you are in charge of your body–no one else.  How your body is cared for is in your hands, and so you must take all precautions necessary to ensure that whatever you do to it is in its best interest.  Don’t leave the decisions solely up to your doctors.  Research the recommended medications, consider your lifestyle, and outline a health goal that indicates how the recommended medications will enable you to achieve it.

The path to health is not always linear.  With enough planning, however, the journey can be a smooth one.

Happy Halloween!  Until Next Time,

D. 

An Open Letter to Nature…

Image Found via GIS

Image Found via GIS

Rome, Italy, October 23, 2014

 

Dear Nature,
I am writing to you, because…well, I know you’ve been struggling for some time now. I know that your relationship with (some) people has caused you to feel a bit unsettled…and really, you’re not to blame for the condition your in.

However, just for this moment, I wondered if you could consider Susan Powter’s advice from in the 1990s, and simply Stop the Insanity.

I think the 30° drop in temperature in the course of 24 hours may be somewhat of an overreaction. Really, there was no need to go from 78°F to 46°F without real warning.

Of course, I may be wrong about this. I am just thinking that we could solve this with a little group therapy. What do you think?

Your loving inhabitant,
D

Quick Note | I’m Back!

“No Excuses. Right?” (Image: http://krnb.com)

To My Readers & Followers:

My apologies for not having posted over the past 12 days.  Let’s chalk it up to being overwhelmed and morphing into a proverbial hot mess. 😉  It happens, and probably even more so when you have FMS.  Who knows?

Either way, I am back and getting myself and blog sorted out for the month of October.  Of course, NaNoWriMo is on its way next month, in which I will participate, and I hope you will too.

Also, I did keep up with my ATR Challenge and Prayer/Meditation Challenge, both of which are still going strong!

Look out later on for a regular post from me.  In the meanwhile, enjoy this video (with an adorable little girl  doing some incredible dancing) I found lately by Japanese actor and musician Asahi Uchida. 🙂


Until Next Time,

D.