Writers write…

NaNoWriMo, Day 3.  It is as difficult as I imagined, but surprisingly simple.  The difficulty?  Moving pass my desire to edit as I write.  The simplicity?  The action of writing.  I am logging my word count like a good NaNoWriMo participant.  I am somewhere in the range of 2500 words, but I have done my writing for today.  There are several things I have come to realize about my writing behaviour by engaging this process:

  1. Writing at home before 2:00am in the morning is impossible.
  2. Writing in the library at any point in the day works.
  3. Writing to the sound of wordless music is better.
  4. Writing when distressed is challenging.
  5. Writing when excited is challenging.
  6. Writing when in a calm, neutral state allows my imagination to flow freely.
  7. Writing with access to the internet is helpful–I say a thankful “YES” to Thesaurus.com.
  8. Writing with an outline is useful, but I am enjoying discovering random side roads as I go along.
  9. Writing means that I am writer.  Thinking about writing means that I engage in creative thought.
  10. Writing does not necessarily mean sharing with others.

As the writer of this blog, the final point regarding not sharing might seem a bit odd, and perhaps I find it a bit odd too.  The thing is this…I have no desire to share the story as I am writing it.  I have desire to describe exactly what it is about, not because I do not know, but because I do know but also desire the ability to have flexibility in my knowing.  That is, I want the freedom to expand my knowledge or concept of the story.  Having to tell or retell the story concept appears to me to be a process of cementing the story, of forcing myself to remain on an obligatory path…I do not know how others feel as they are doing NaNoWriMo, but this is how I feel.

I have not written a synopsis, or even written the title of the story.  I do not see the point of so doing until I am at the end.  I do think that sharing my experience of my NaNoWriMo may be helpful to others, and I will do so intermittently on this blog.  Other than that, I find that I need to keep my thoughts to myself.

The title for this post, “Writers write…,” is taken from William Miekle’s superb writing guide of the same title (currently free for Kindle).  More importantly, it is only half of the mantra to which he asks aspiring writers.  The full mantra is,

Writers write!  Wannabe Writers Wanna Write.”

Perhaps it is a bit strong.  It has, however, served to kick my butt into gear.  I have been repeating this mantra to myself from the time I started my outline.  Yesterday as I struggled over words and my temptation to edit, I kept as a constant in the background my mind.  Writers write.  Writers make time to write no matter how busy their day.  Writers put aside external issues and circumstances in order to put forth their imagination onto paper.  Writers write because they write.

A long enough time ago, I wrote the poem below.

Write

because nothing else soothes

because nothing else makes sense–

write

what is lacking in spoken words

what is lacking in expressed emotions–

Writing

Writing (Photo credit: jjpacres)

So, I am off to the library to write for a few hours.  The goal: 3000 words.  Do I think I will make it?  I do not know.  It is, however, the goal for today.  Tomorrow, I will set another, and then the day after that too…until I get to the end of the story.

To fellow NaNoWriMo participants–Write on!

Best,

D.

In the absence of words…

I’ve wondered how best to begin writing my blog once again.  Indeed, perhaps I have been suffering a harsh bout of writer’s block and apathy.  Okay, I concede that writer’s block is not a fairly accurate description of what has (or has not) been happening as I have actually written a fair amount since my last posting… just not here. 😉 

The apathy, however…

It remains unknown to me:  the first moment that my eyes closed to the world, my ears failed to hear spoken words, my body refused to sense external and internal emotionality…  My memory brings me back only to the moment of darkness, a darkness that surrounded my entire being, shutting down access to everything and everyone. 

This was not despair.  This was not anhedonia.  This was (and still is) apathy.   Perhaps a better word to choose would be stoicism in its most holistic meaning.

I imagine reading such words might prove shocking for some who know me.  Truly, my realization of what has been happening was comparative to being doused by a bucket of ice water.

To see not in the extremes of good or bad, to be not in the extremes of glad or sad, to wake each day without hope or despair, to greet each person as neither friend nor foe… this is the result of my process for the last two months or so.  A prevailing sense of calm has descended upon me.  It reminds me of the still moments in heat of summer when we become too tired to think or to move, or even before and after the fall of heavy snow or rain when the world is overcome by the awe of nature.  For a brief moment, we recognize that we must hide or perhaps we have been hiding in order to protect.

It is fair to say that I have been weathering a storm of loss, betrayal, grief, anxiety, and anger for over a year now.  It is equally fair to say that I have been showered with love, friendship, family-connection, opportunities, and creativity.  Still, what is to come now?  What can I make of this moment in my life now that the pendulum of life has stopped swinging, now that it seems to be decidedly in the middle?

I have decided to be content with my apathy.  After all, I have made it through…

Now, it is time to begin a new story (literally and figuratively).

Until next time,

D.

P. S.  I promise to be less disjointed in my next posting. 🙂  Thanks also to everyone who stopped by! Truly, it means a lot to me.