Tag: self-care

Is Your Family Narcissistic? 12 Ways to Know (PsychologyToday.com)

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Read: “The Narcissistic Family Tree” by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

Does your family…

  1. Keep Secrets (Never air your dirty laundry.)
  2. Focus on Image. (What would other people think?)
  3. Give You Negative Messages.  (You’ll never be good enough.)
  4. Lack of Parental Hierarchy.  (You are made to parent, become the emotional support for your parents, etc.)
  5. Lack of Emotional Tune-In. (Parents have told you that they don’t need you or don’t care what happens to you, etc.)
  6. Lack of Effective Communication.  (Triangulation/Gossping, see last post).
  7. Have Unclear Boundaries. (Personal space invaded. Perhaps even identity stolen, literally and figuratively.)
  8. Have One Parent Narcissistic, the Other Orbiting. (Leaving children with no other source of support)
  9. Discourage Siblings From Being Close. (Does it feel like your siblings are in a constant competition with you or between themselves?)
  10. Negate/Displace Feelings. (What feelings? Who has them? Why are they necessary? J/k…but this is what it’s like).
  11. Give You “Not Good Enough” Messages. (Whether spoken or unspoken, you learned that there was/is/will be a way to match the ideal that your parent already is.)
  12. Thrive on Dysfunction—Obvious or Covert. (Was emotional, physical, sexual abuse a regular part of your life…but no one seemed to know it…even your own siblings?)

How to be a ghost without really trying… (+ FibroArt Monday)

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Photo Credit: Moyan Brenn via CC Flickr

 

Happy Monday! 🙂 (Hope your day& mine is pain-free)

I’ve been thinking a lot about my tendency towards silence.  Actually, let’s back that up, I’ve been thinking a lot about why I am as I am and how to change some core self-beliefs.  Seriously, ask yourself right now, Why am I me?

Some of us tell ourselves that we are too busy to think about such nonsense.  Some of us know that it would be better for us to think about it, but are afraid of what we might learn.  Some of us have asked the question, but have no answers. Some of us chuck ourselves into therapy, but with no intention finding answers, etc., etc.

You get the idea. It’s not an easy question either to consider or answer. Still, this is a question that I believe that we should try to answer throughout our lives.  This brings me back to my original statement about being silent.

Just over a week ago, I moved into the place where I’ll be staying until I leave Rome on the 21st.  My landlord is an amazing science fiction author, who reminds me of a cross between Bukowski and a much slimmer Santa Claus. Yesterday, he said to me, “So, is everything okay with you? I’ve not seen you for the past 10 days.”  Mind you, I’ve been at home.  Still, he was right. He hadn’t seen me.  I had made sure of that.  It wasn’t because I wanted to avoid him, but because disappearing, hiding, remaining unseen is second nature to me.  I erase my presence, even when actively in the lives of others, which may be related to my object permanence issues.  That, however, started way before the memories I can access.

What I do know is that growing up, my silence and lack of presence was something that was valued in my household. I did not stir the proverbial pot.   When I did try to express myself, I was often shutdown and compared with others who I understood had undesirable qualities.

In other words, I was encouraged not to share my thoughts, express my feelings, interact with the world around me, have friends, and generally be a socially-adapted member of society.  I’m lucky that I decided to become a therapist because I learned many of the interpersonal skills that I ought to have when I was younger.

Yet still, I have yet to unlearn that core household rule, which has become an unsettling self-belief: I must erase my presence.

And why must I erase my presence? The answer is rather simple, because the statement comes from my childhood thought: I should not speak or my family will hate me even more and I will have no home.

So, how do you undo the belief that being “present” in the lives of others means that you will lose whatever place you have?  Well, I have no definitive answer, but I’ll let you in on what I am doing.  😉

What I am doing is actively giving myself permission to:

  • Exist – I have the right to take up space on this planet, even if it means that others may be discomforted by that.
  • Speak – I have the right to speak my personal truth, even if it dispells the myths of others.
  • Love – I have the right to love and be loved just because I exist. My loving or being loved is not synonymous with my forfeiting my identity and goals in life.
  • Dream – I have the right to create goals for myself separate from the desires of others. I can dream as big or as small as I want to about my life.
  • Feel – I have the right to my physical and emotional experiences, even if they counter the needs of other people.  If I think the sun is freaking hot today, then it’s hot. If I am sad, then I am sad. It’s that simple. No one can dictate my feelings to me.
  • Be – I have the right to be whatever I am and whatever I am not.  It is my choice.

I could go on for a bit longer with the list, but there you have it. This is my first step.

Perhaps this may be helpful for someone else, especially if you grew up in a highly narcissistic family environment, or what I might call a house of non-self mirrors.

Take a look at yourself today. Smile at who you are, love who you are, acknowledge you are here and no matter what you have the right to be.

Until next time,

D. 

   

Hey, It’s Mother’s Day, But…

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DSC001881

 

I’m burnt out.  Absolutely.  Utterly. Completely. My entire being is spent.  I assure you that this is far from the ideal way to begin either Mother’s Day or a blog post. Still, this is where I am physically and emotionally.

So, beginning with the obvious: I’ve not been writing. Period. Full stop. End of story.

The fact is that when I am this drained, it is enough just getting through the day. Still, this isn’t about my being drained. The point is that I am sorry for my inconsistency as it goes against my own goals and (possibly) your expectations as my readers…then again, if you’ve followed this blog over the years, then you already know about my consistent inconsistency.  🙂

I’ve already apologized to myself and so to you, I’ll state it again, “I am truly sorry.”

I shan’t go into the details of why I am so burnt out, but I will give a summary here: 3-month visit of my mother, 3 moves, decision to leave Rome, health issues, work issues, life issues, etc., etc.

Still, it is Mother’s Day–which I already celebrated last Sunday, believing it was Mother’s Day–and I plan to spend it doing what I think is most important on this day: being a good mother to myself.

I think oftentimes we forget that we need to ensure that we have internalized a “good parent,” especially if we lacked that growing up. In my case, I didn’t really grow up in a family, and lived a total of perhaps 12 years with my mother and never with my father (at least not in my memory).  To add to that mix is the fact that I have older siblings, who are twins. Unfortunately in my experience, living with twins who were significantly older (6 years) meant that I was on the outskirts–they had each other and I could not relate to their experience.

Growing up without parents and without siblings can be and was challenging. To be frank, I have zero concept of what family means in a real sense (of course, I understand it technically), much less have any particular feelings around Mother’s Day or any other family-related days (birthdays, marriages, etc.).

It’s a sad thought to have on this particular day, especially when I have my mother so very close by, which is not something I had for the most part of my life. So…

Where does this leave me? Hmm…back to the understanding that on this day, Mother’s Day, also means taking care of one’s self.  Regardless of your situation, remember that to enjoy this day means enjoying and celebrating who you are, what you have done in your life, and recognizing those who have supported you towards those ends.

So, Happy Mother’s Day to everyone! Please, take good care of you. 🙂

 

Vlog | Fibromyalgia & Travel: You Must Be Your Number 1!

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Thank you so very much, everyone, for sticking with me both on my blog and on my YouTube channel! 🙂

Vlog | “Wash & Go” for 4C Hair / Il “Wash & Go” per I Capelli Ricci Afro 4C

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titleenglishI got it together to begin posting videos again.  This one is on the “Wash & Go” style.  I have made both an English version and an Italian version. 🙂

Although an easy go-to style, the “Wash & Go” isn’t one that I would recommend wearing often as it leads to knots/tangles.  The idea of the style is to be able to wash your hair, add some products, and get out the door.

In most cases, one of the main products used for this style is gel–I’m just not about that particular life.  So, I opted for KeraCare‘s Twist & Define Cream instead.  It worked well for my hair, and left my hair feeling soft.

For the washing portion of the “Wash & Go”, I used KeraCare’s Cleansing Cream (shampoo) and my usual Garnier Fructis conditioner Fall Fight.  As a leave-in, I used KeraCare’s aptly named Leave-In Conditioner.

KeraCare: Cleansing Cream, Leave-in Conditioner, and Twist & Define Cream. Click to visit their site.

KeraCare: Cleansing Cream, Leave-in Conditioner, and Twist & Define Cream. Click to visit their site.

Curious to see how my “Wash & Go” turned out?  Watch either video below! 🙂  And if you could, please visit my YouTube channel to like this video and subscribe!

Until Next Time!

D.

English Version

La Versione Italiana

Throwback Thursday | Reblog: Roma, che cosa vuoi?

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Statue of Giordano Bruno

Rome is a hard place and I am a hard person.  What I mean by hard is simply that Rome is all stone and little nature.  It is all grit and grime and movement.  I often feel now that I find myself to be same…  That there is no softness, purity, and no patience…  I am eager to build upon the last event and move on from the present one.   I feel as though my life has shown me too much in too short a period of time, and has made me too wise… but not wise enough to avoid this place where I have now found myself.

If you asked me what I want most right now, I would say to be free of all worry… then I would say to remember… then I would say to forget… then I would say nothing… for why should I want?

I despise Rome because it is so much like me – It reflects back to me so much of myself… or at least, who I have been in my many forms.   And it seems that now I am finding myself to be no different from many of my clients, whom I have seen over the years, i.e. wanting the past to go away… wanting to be far away from myself, but finding myself nowhere else but here with me.  I suppose I am human after all.  And so I have placed myself here in Rome, a physical manifestation of all of the parts of me I had come so to resent, but perhaps no so much anymore.  Now, Rome, what do you want?

Nessun Dorma

“Nessun Dorma” (“None shall sleep,” an aria from Puccini’s opera “Turandot.”)

FMS | Challenge Yourself to Do Less: Expect Nothing, Celebrate Everything (Fibromyalgia)

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8f304-blackwomansick1Being in pain, bedridden, forgetful, and generally low-spirited can seem to be the name of the game when it comes to having fibromyalgia–It doesn’t have to be.

It’s super-easy to get bogged down in the reasons why having fibromyalgia sucks: you can’t do this, you can’t do that, etc., etc.

Well, how about focusing not on the moment that’s sucking the life out of you, but the possibilities of the next moments?

I’m usually big on being mindful to moment, but let’s be serious: there are some moments that it’s just not worth it. And reflecting on the past can be a double-edged sword. You can begin to mourn who or how or what you used to be, instead of focusing on the positives of the past.

So, it might just be useful to look forward to the unknown future. Allow yourself to dream your possibilities, and then…

let them go.

Yes, let them go.  Whatever you imagine that you can or will do and that you can or will be, let it all go. Why? Because in letting go of having to do or be something, you begin welcoming freedom into your life.

Imagine not having to live up to anyone’s expectations, not even your own. Imagine not having to live in the shadow of your past self or in the pain of your present self. Can you imagine that? I can and do.

Now, when I imagine what I can/will (a.k.a. should be able to) do something, I take several steps back, and tell myself two words: do less.

For example, If I tell myself I can/will do 10 minutes of yoga, then I tell myself I shall do 5 minutes of yoga. If after 5 minutes, I can actually do more, then that’s a bonus.

In other words, challenge yourself to create opportunities for success.

Everyone needs that, especially we who have fibromyalgia.

Take small steps. Expect nothing of yourself. Celebrate everything that you do.

D.

FMS | Make this Year a Body+ Fibromyalgia Year – Love Your Body.

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Image from warriormindcoach.com. Click to visit.

Image from warriormindcoach.com. Click to visit.

If you have fibromyalgia (or perhaps any chronic illness really), sometimes it may feel like you are in a constant war with your body.  It doesn’t work the way you want it to.  Perhaps you feel that you can no longer trust your body and that it has betrayed you–I know I felt like this for a really long time.

Over the past year, I’ve worked hard to come to terms with my body and its capabilities.  I’ve come to realise that it’s not about what my body cannot do or can no longer do. It’s about what my body can do, and how I can change my thoughts and actions so that it can do more.

Having fibromyalgia has allowed me to slow my thoughts down to fall into step with my body.

Yes, I move slowly sometimes, and when I do I get the chance to see the world around me more. Yes, I am in pain sometimes, and when I am I get the chance to feel a heightened sense of empathy with those who are suffering around me.

There are many negative ways that you can spend time thinking about your illness. Still, who wants to live like that? 😉

I made a promise to myself that this year would be a body positive fibromyalgia year. Actually, every year from this point forward will be that.

I resolved to learn what are the positive ways that I can think about my illness…and its impact on my body.

So, love your body, embrace your illness, rebuild trust with your body and take one more step on your path to happiness.

D.

Vlogger: Zipporah G teaches how to make Indonesian Jamu Juice (www.shedoesliving.com)

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We’ve been having extremely rainy days in Rome lately. The sky is grey, everything is wet, and I feel permanently cold. As a result of all this, I’ve found myself under the weather more often than not.  In other words, it’s winter. So, I’ve been on the hunt for natural ways to improve my immune system.

 

Zipporah G. Image from www.shedoesliving.com. Click to visit.

Zipporah G. Image from http://www.shedoesliving.com. Click to visit.

The other day I stumbled upon YouTube travel vlogger Zipporah G, a Londoner who is now living in Bangkok. She also has a blog: http://www.shedoesliving.com (and you can find her on twitter and Instagram @shedoesliving).

Beyond the awesome footage that she shares about her travels, she also focuses on healthy foods, and provides recipes.  The video below is just one of those recipes that can give you a big pick me up when you are feeling down.  It’s yummy!

Thanks, Zipporah!

Natural Hair | Let’s Talk: My Nappy Naps Hair Journey (Type 4C)

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DSC_00812Not too long ago, I posted about where to buy hair products for afro-textured hair in Rome. Today, I thought I would share a little about my hair.

I began wearing my hair in its natural state in 1997.  I kept it in braids (extensions) for two years while allowing it to naturally loc.

Thereafter, from October 1999 to October 2013, I wore my hair in dre’d loc’s. Until November 2010, I wore them hip/waist length.  As an act of mourning, I cut them to chin length.

For a long while I thought about removing them completely, and continued to cut them to chin/shoulder length.  Finally in October 2013, I sat down with a bottle of conditioner, a pair of scissors, and a random comb leftover from a relationship.

 

It’s strange: although I’ve worn my hair natural for so many years, having my hair in a loose instead of loc’ed state really freaked me out.  I didn’t know what to do with my hair.  I felt panicked and self-conscious.

Another thing: I didn’t just cut off my loc’s and call it a day. I unraveled them, which was a terribly frustrating but freeing experience.  Also, at the end of the process, my hair was different lengths all over–and I decided to keep it that way.

My lengths varied between 3-5 inches.  I cut my hair a bit more just before the summer to take care of some parts that seemed to be damaged. Now, my lengths range between 7-9 inches.

So, why have I told you all this?  

Well, because I’ve decided to learn how to style my loose hair properly, rather than relying on braids or my usual hair wraps (not that I’m going to stop wearing my hair wraps).

What will I share?

How I take care of my imperfectly perfect hair: products I like (commercial and homemade/natural), styles, and lessons learned.

Perhaps it will be useful or interesting for someone out there. Either way, it will help me embrace a new understanding of myself. 🙂

Until Tomorrow?

D.

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