I’m almost certain that many writers spend time thinking about how to write more, why they aren’t writing more, when they can write more, if they should write more, if they can write more. I’m no exception.
Lately, I’ve been writing, but not publicly. I have an awful tendency to stop writing because I believe I have nothing of interest/importance to state–usually, that translates into “I feel like crap about myself in the world.” I recognize that writing about true feelings/thoughts not filtered through psychobabble scares the living daylights out of me. Seriously.
It is a scary thing just to write “I feel…” and not add something about Freud or CBT or DBT immediately before or after it. What would it mean to simply state my feelings, my thoughts unfiltered, uninhibited in my own little virtual space? Who knows. This, however, is the starting point.
It’s a promise to myself. Every morning, I will write something, anything on this little blog of mine. It may interest you. It may bore you to tears. The point, however, is that I am writing what is honest/authentic/true for me. I hope you’ll continue to give me your support.
Also, I an starting a health journey daily vlog upon my return to the US. It will run from May 25-August 15, and will be tracking my progress with taking better care of my overall (but mostly physical) health, including diet, exercise, hair, skin, etc. I am really ready to commit to a healthy vegan and natural lifestyle, and I would like to document that process. So, wish me good fortune on that as well.
Sometimes it’s when we are about to experience enormous change that we truly recognize the direction in which we are heading.
Not too long ago, I posted about where to buy hair products for afro-textured hair in Rome. Today, I thought I would share a little about my hair.
I began wearing my hair in its natural state in 1997. I kept it in braids (extensions) for two years while allowing it to naturally loc.
Thereafter, from October 1999 to October 2013, I wore my hair in dre’d loc’s. Until November 2010, I wore them hip/waist length. As an act of mourning, I cut them to chin length.
For a long while I thought about removing them completely, and continued to cut them to chin/shoulder length. Finally in October 2013, I sat down with a bottle of conditioner, a pair of scissors, and a random comb leftover from a relationship.
It’s strange: although I’ve worn my hair natural for so many years, having my hair in a loose instead of loc’ed state really freaked me out. I didn’t know what to do with my hair. I felt panicked and self-conscious.
Another thing: I didn’t just cut off my loc’s and call it a day. I unraveled them, which was a terribly frustrating but freeing experience. Also, at the end of the process, my hair was different lengths all over–and I decided to keep it that way.
My lengths varied between 3-5 inches. I cut my hair a bit more just before the summer to take care of some parts that seemed to be damaged. Now, my lengths range between 7-9 inches.
So, why have I told you all this?
Well, because I’ve decided to learn how to style my loose hair properly, rather than relying on braids or my usual hair wraps (not that I’m going to stop wearing my hair wraps).
What will I share?
How I take care of my imperfectly perfect hair: products I like (commercial and homemade/natural), styles, and lessons learned.
Perhaps it will be useful or interesting for someone out there. Either way, it will help me embrace a new understanding of myself. 🙂
Just a brief note to check-in about the Challenge. All is well. The things for which I am grateful and consider right are the new relationships that I am developing and the new habits that I am forming.
For the most part, what is right is my simple state of being: in myself, in the moment, in connection with others.
Some Words of Encouragement
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” – Rainer Maria Rilke
Another balmy Saturday. Me? Glued to computer screen with fingers on auto-type while my mind wonders about what fruit will be available in the rapidly depleting fruit section of my local supermarket.
In between finger taps, the consistent yappage of my neighbour’s invisible dog, and my acknowledgements that the world isn’t so bad after all, a random thought comes to mind. Well, not really a thought, but a memory; one that I thought was pretty useless…until now [cue dramatic suspense music here].
Picture it, me at 16 and in my last semester of high school…confined to my bed because of the chickenpox.
Yes, I know. Chickenpox is something you get as a kid, not as a teenager when everything is all about image–actually, I didn’t really care, but still–and the sight of a pimple can send even the most popular of cheerleaders into a moment of panic.
But that was soooo long ago.
It’s one of many memories I shoved far into the black hole of my mind, so much so that even when I see the resulting scars on my face, I don’t register them as having anything to do with chickenpox. It’s my defense mechanism checkmate, especially because I am into denial and apparently amazingly good at suppression.
Let’s get back to this moment though, where I am sitting on my bed and typing this post that I’d like to be less than 300 words.
For whatever reason, the words chickenpox and fibromyalgia flashed across my mind and thus my auto-typing fingers tapped them right into Google search and hit the Enterbutton.
The result?
Well, it seems that a lot of people have been wondering about the relationship between chickenpox and fibromyalgia, although there doesn’t seem to be a great deal of research about it.
Still, it might help to check out the links below to understand why some are wondering:
Four days may not seem like much to celebrate, but given my goal of sticktoitiveness, I am super glad that I have stuck to it, i.e. both the meditation/prayer challenge (Day 26) and the Acknowledge the Right Challenge (Day 4).
The happiness is also because, as a person with fibromyalgia, I find myself often in a position where I have to give up the things that I want to do or am doing. So, any progress made, however small, in showing myself that I can do/have it must be acknowledged.
As to what was right yesterday? Well, many things:
I got up (despite the weather, aches and pains, and general lack of sleep)
I did my daily meditation/prayer and stretches
I went to class and met new people, and feel very upbeat about the courses I am taking
I met a new friend and spent a good deal of time talking.
I got some reading/writing/work done
I spoke with my mother, which is always a good thing.
To My New Followers: Welcome to my blog! I am very happy and grateful that you decided to follow me on my journey and hope you will share yours with me as well. 🙂
This is just a brief post about a challenge that I have decided to begin tomorrow. First, however, I just wanted to note that I am one week away from completing my 30 Day Prayer/Meditation Challenge–I really struggle with sticktoitiveness and so I am really proud of myself for coming this far and also for my recent decision to continue the Challenge indefinitely.
I think sometimes we just come across something that works with who we are and are necessary for where we are on our path. I am glad that the daily practice of prayer/meditation has been helpful for me in clearing my psychological, spiritual and physical space and in paving the way for the new challenge I’ve decided to do.
So, what’s this new challenge?
It’s a challenge that I’m calling: Acknowledge the Right Of Your Life Challenge. Perhaps I should make a hashtag out of it for Twitter and spark others to share in the Challenge.
So, what’s the goal of this challenge?
Simple. Every day, for the next 30 days, I will write, at least, one thing that is right (positive/awesome/good) in my life.
Why do you want to do this challenge?
Because, from what I understand of myself and looking at the world around me, it is an easy thing to get caught up in what is wrong (negative/awful/bad) with our lives.
So, I’ve decided to challenge myself for the next 30 days to identify what is working in my life. It’s simply another step on my path toward self-acceptance and self-actualization. I hope you will join me. 🙂
If you do decide to join me on this challenge, send me a message or comment here and let me know!
Eating the wrong foods or food combinations can mean more inflammation, pain, digestive issues, insomnia, fatigue, hair loss and gain (facial), decreased libido, mood swings, etc. And who wants more of that?
Especially, if you have comorbid diagnoses, you may find that the food recommended for one illness, may be discouraged for another illness. Sometimes it feels like a lose-lose battle.
Still, we must not despair. There is always a path to healthier and active living, if we choose to seek it.
For me, I live be a golden rule when it comes to living in my body. I think of my body like any vehicle that I would drive. It is my personal vehicle, and so this rule applies:
Food is the Fuel
Exercise is the Engine
As long as the combination of those two factors is balanced, then I feel at peace with my choices. Whereas exercise may be limited to what my body can do at any given time and may not be a daily experience (although I try to make it so), food is something that I ought to consume daily for basic functioning and overall well-being.
However, food, the fuel that our bodies need to sustain us, is one aspect of self-care that can create havoc, for people with fibromyalgia, in our otherwise solid treatment plans.
Over the last six years, I have undertaken the task of discovering what foods my body can tolerate. Perhaps this task is a leftover from my days as a personal trainer/fitness instructor or maybe it’s just that I want to feel the best I can every day. Whatever the case, I have been experimenting with foods in order to find a FMS+ plan that is nutritionally sound and interesting.
(Tolerates…because I can’t really say that I, personally, enjoy all of these foods):
Leafy Greens – Bring on the lettuce, cabbage, endive, etc. I cannot express to you how much I detest endive…but I live in Italy and am a bit lazy with food preparation, so endive is bound to be present in the bagged salads that I buy. Oh well.
Water – Natural. Okay, this may seem a bit strange, but it is my reality. My body loves water in its most natural state, not effervescent (fizzy). There is little else beyond water that my body can handle as a liquid. It’s simply not on.
Fruits – The crunchy kinds. Any kind of fruit that has a crunch to it, my body seems to appreciate more than fruits that could be considered juicy (or very ripened). So, that leaves me with pears, nectarines, apples, etc. HOWEVER, I have learned that I can only eat these in moderation or, at least, rotate them out. I can also eat bananas, mangoes, susine gialle (I don’t know the English name), and grapefruits, but even more infrequently.
Nuts & Dried Fruits – Don’t get too excited. I can eat two things from this category fairly often, but still I understand that I need to keep them in moderate amounts: peanuts & dried cranberries. That’s it. Sometimes, I can have almonds, but not as often.
Eggs – Although I am not a fan, I can eat them and do. I, however, rotate them in my diet, because I am not partial to the taste.
Seafood – Yes, I can eat seafood BUT not all. My body, for whatever reason, cannot handle frequent consumption of certain fish, such as salmon and tuna. Shellfish, however, gets a green light.
Yoghurt – Notice, I didn’t write milk. I can eat all yoghurt (as far as I know). I feel best, however, when I eat Greek yoghurt, which I eat frequently and often in combination with my nuts and dried fruits–it’s my little treat.
Gelato – Not often, but I can eat gelato. I don’t know about ice-cream. Also, I have to stick with plain flavours. Ideally, the gelato should be gluten-free (gluten is sometimes used as a thickener). So, nothing with cereals or candies, etc.
Chocolate (dark or white) – Again, not often, but I can eat chocolate every now and again. Like gelato, should be ideally gluten-free and it cannot contain any kind of cereals and is best without dried fruits (which is often raisins, which I cannot eat).
Diet Soda –Ideally, caffeine-free. Looking to spice things up liquid-wise? Well, I can have diet soda fairly regularly, BUT because of my IBS, I understand that I need to limit my consumption.
Other vegetables – Mushrooms, olives, cucumbers, zucchini, garlic, onion, leeks, chives, scallions. All of those get the green light.
Oils & other fats – I cook with olive oil. Period. I do have butter in my refrigerator, but use it infrequently.
Seasonings – Well, most, as far as I know. I tend not to season my foods, except with curry, black pepper, powdered/liquid garlic, rosemary, thyme or pimento. And even these are used sparingly.
Gluten-free Products – WAIT…Please, don’t get excited, I can eat gluten-free cookies/biscuits…but not all, and it’s sort of a game of roulette. I never know how my body will react to things. Also, even though I have been able to eat these things, doesn’t mean that I think that it is good for me. So, only when I am having a particular craving will I make the effort to purchase these. They can also be great for making the crust of a low-carb/gluten-free cheesecake.
Cheeses – Apparently, I can whatever cheeses are available, but in severe moderation. 🙂 I am partial to softer cheeses, such as brie or cream cheese (which I use to make my low-carb/gluten-free cheesecake).
Fake Sugars – Yes, I can use them and do to add flavour to my cooking or sometimes to my water. Fake sugars, however, are tricky and it is important to understand which ones work for you and which don’t. My body, for example, cannot tolerate sugar alcohols in any form, whether as a sweetener or in the presence of a food (including gum and mint).
Okay, so those are the major (if not complete list of) items that I can eat.
The list of items that I ought not to eat is very long. Notice that I write ought not to eat.
This is because I can eat them, but there will be repercussions. As long as I am willing to accept the repercussions (major IBS symptoms, random/sudden weight gain, increased pain and fatigue, migraines, increased insomnia), then I’m good to go. 😉
So, what I do I choose not to eat? Well, I’ll give you general categories:
I discovered how bad it was for me just the other day. Recently, I bought a bag of gluten-free flour, thinking that I would make myself some awesome Jamaican boiled dumplings. Well…the experience left me in misery. Sure the dumplings tasted good, but I felt almost as awful as I would have if I were to have used regular flour. Why?
Nightshade vegetables & fruits – As much as I love them. I have said goodbye to tomatoes, bell peppers, potatoes, eggplant (mostly), peppers, and most berries (cranberry exception). They cause/increase inflammation and possibly insomnia, so it’s just not on.
Citrus Fruits – High sugar content, acidic, and too much vitamin C. Well, all of these things I can do without. I already take a daily supplement of vitamin C, so I can live without them. Of course, as mentioned above, every now and again, I can eat a grapefruit. 🙂
Caffeine-heavy products– So, that basically wipes out tea, coffee, sodas, and even chocolate. 🙂 Of course, anything can be consumed in moderate amounts. Still, I do not drink coffee, and rarely tea or soda. Of course, I mentioned chocolate before.
Alcohol – I’ve never been partial to drinking alcohol. That being stated, alcohol simply presents a challenge for many with FMS. Want to feel more tired? More nauseous? Less restful sleep? Then, drink alcohol. I’m good without it though.
Of course, the research on what foods actually help or hinder us is limited. Each person is different. So, each of us must take responsibility for what we put into our bodies. Don’t just read this blog or something else and say “Aha! Now I know what to eat!”
Don’t be lazy!
Instead, take this information and use it for your own research. As I mentioned before, it has taken me 6 years to sort this out for myself AND it is still an ongoing process, especially as my body grows older (as a woman, this presents certain nutritional and hormonal issues).
What I’ve come to understand is that, no matter what, I must love my body.
I must love my body, even when it isn’t doing what I want it to do, even when it isn’t looking the way I want it to look, even when it feels like a stranger to me. I must love and care for it the best way that I can.
I must shut out the emotional voice of my body that sometimes longs for foods that are unwise for me to eat, and listen carefully to the wise voice of my body that reveals to me the foods that will help me heal and maintain balance.
Food is fuel for our bodies, not a crutch for our self-esteems.
The Take-Away? Well, I try to follow two basic rules when shopping, especially when I am thinking to buy something new:
If the food can live on a shelf longer than one to two weeks, then I don’t buy it.
If the food is in a can, bottle, plastic package, then I hestitate to buy it and refer to the first rule.
Well, I’m off to the grocery store! Happy Sunday!
P.S. If weight is an issue for you and you are looking for a place to begin, or you are needing inspiration on your journey, then check out fitness motivation speaker and certified women’s fitness, weightloss, and nutrition trainer Erika Nicole Kendall‘s blog: A Black Girl’s Guide To Weightloss. Kendall’s blog covers a variety of topics, including fitness, body image, sex, culture, food recipes, and beauty.
Please, visit both Rebelle Magazine and the campaign sites by clicking on the highlighted links! By the way, almost all of the pictures relate to my experience while at Stanford–I hope the students there will do something like this as well.
Also, I use the word “we” often, not to say all Black women are in agreement with me, but to express my solidarity with those who do have shared similar views.
Now, on to the post!
Image from Rebelle Mag: Black Voices at Harvard Share Their Experiences with Racism
The article follows on the 2009 blog post by OkCupid, “How Your Race Affects the Messages You Get,” that indicates that Black women were, for the most part, shut out of the online dating world, being the users who sent the most messages while receiving the least replies. Black women were also the most likely to respond to messages. Black men as well as other races, OkCupid’s statics showed, do not consider Black women as relationship material.
Feeling depressed yet?
Image from Rebelle Mag: Black Voices at Harvard Share Their Experiences with Racism
Well, it gets worse. It follows that if Black women are not considered relationship material, then surely marriage is out of the question. That is where the article comes in and eloquently explains why Black women have every right to be angry/bitter in general. Because although we are not considered for marriage, we are surely considered for sex. As the article points out that “7 in 10 black children are born to unmarried parents.”
Oh? Really?
I am not surprised given the dating statistics. Of course, given the grim statistics on incarceration and African-American men, it makes sense that marriage would seem unlikely. Nothing wrong with having had a bad moment in life and having had to go to jail/prison, but it does make getting married more problematic.
Image from Rebelle Magazine: Black Voices at Harvard Share Their Experiences with Racism
So, why I am writing about this?
Well, because I am frankly tired of reading the negative online commentary about Black women, whether it is about our hair, our skin colour, or weight, or our strength of character and fearlessness (a.k.a. our masculinity).
Men who have a problem with strong women, ought to avoid dating Black women, in my opinion. Black women are not raised to be cowed by anyone. We understand clearly where the dominant society has decided to relegate us and how some (apparently a majority) of our male counterparts view us. (Let me not get into this statement: “black men who, according to social science data, are more likely than any other group of men to maintain relationships with multiple women.”)
Image from Rebelle Magazine: Black Voices at Harvard Share Their Experiences with Racism
We understand clearly that a good portion of our male counterparts are eager to mobilize themselves by marrying up and thus marrying light. We get it. We get it that the kinkier and nappier our hair, the broader our thighs, the bigger our lips, bottoms and hips, the louder our voices, the more likely others will to try to shut us down or shut us up. We get it.
The thing is…
We don’t give two cents about it.
Image from Rebelle Magazine: Black Voices at Harvard Share Their Experiences with Racism
Unworthy men and women (for our LGBTQ population), please continue to ignore us. Please, continue not to respond to messages. Trust me, it’s much better this way, because we won’t be wasting our time on you. And who would want to? I am beginning to feel really sorry for those who do.
You see, while some people may see Black women as available (sending so many messages) and desperate (responding to so many messages), the fact is some Black women simply won’t do two things:
Wait for permission to say what we want, and
Be impolite to someone just because we don’t like them.
Have you ever thought about that? Have you thought about the fact that some Black women simply own our sexuality and are polite?
Image from Rebelle Magazine: Black Voices at Harvard Share Their Experiences with Racism
The other day my sister, Michelle, posted the following to my Facebook page:
“Why are you skinny people doing this to yourselves??? I thought insanity was designed for overweight individuals???”
As you might imagine, the “insanity” to which she referred is the Insanity Workoutexercise program by Beachbody and led by Shaun T. Nine days ago, I decided to take the 8 week challenge and have been reporting my progress to friends and family via Facebook. I am happy to say that I have completed each day thus far and intend to continue so doing.
Now, back to my sister’s comment.
You see, she is right. I am not overweight and thus it would seem that I would have no just cause to take on such a workout program. Right?
FIBROMYALGIA (Photo credit: *SHESHELL*)
Wrong.
I decided to take on the Insanity Challenge, because I wanted to prove two points to myself:
1. I can achieve a high level of fitness as a person with fibromyalgia; and
2. I can take care of my body as I choose to without fearing input from others.
——
A world of secrets…
Back in 2008 when I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia, my body had been changing rapidly. As I wrote in my recent posts, I had gain a significant amount of weight in only a couple of years. You see, before I started graduate school, I worked as a personal trainer and fitness instructor from 2002 to 2004. That period of my life was one in which I experienced a high boost to my body image. I was strong and healthy.
My weight then was higher than what it is now, but it was never a concern to me. My major concerns: strength and endurance. And if there is one thing that I have lamented greatly since having fibromyalgia was the loss of my physical strength and endurance.
With my weight gain came real health concerns, such as being warned about my blood pressure and having some other health issues being labeled as “due to excess weight.”
“If you had 5 minutes…,” collage with magazine and cardstock by Diedré M. Blake, (2010)
It was frustrating to find myself in that state and feeling that I couldn’t do anything physically about it…like exercise in the way that I had in the past. I was too tired. I felt too much pain. There was a bigger issue though…
Work.
As many of you know, I am an art therapist and counselor. I specialize in the treatment of eating disorders. This area of specialization developed from my second year internship and subsequent job. So, why would working within this area create a problem for me? Simply this…
How does a therapist embark upon a health improvement that would mean significant weight loss while reinforcing to her clients that their desire to lose weight was unhealthy?
For a long time, I did not have an answer. I worked in a place where there were strict rules on how food could be discussed and what foods could be eaten. Discussion of weight loss, weight loss programs, and diets was forbidden. This is not to say that these rules were always followed.
Also, there seems to be a very strange expectation, i.e. that all Black women are happy with being overweight. I write this because of various experiences I had while trying to manage my weight issues. The most memorable of these was an experience I had with an older White female nutritionist who worked at a local hospital.
I was given a referral to visit this nutritionist because both myself and my doctor believed that it would be good for me to have professional advice on how to safely and slowly lose my excess weight through diet, since exercise was proving difficult for me. At that time I was about 50 pounds overweight.
I sat with the lady and stated my reasons for coming to see her. From her lips came the following response:
“But you’re Black! Why would you want to lose weight? Aren’t all Black women a bit fatter that everyone else? Aren’t you people use to being like that?”
Now, some may believe that I am exaggerating…but I kid you not. Those were her exact words that are engraved upon my heart and mind. I was in disbelief.
There I was seeking help to lose the weight that was causing me severe health problems…and there was that lady telling me that I didn’t need to lose the weight because of my skin colour. Huh?
——
So, I realized that I had to do it on my own. I decided to take matters into my own hands as I wrote in my previous post. The thing was that at work, although I had explained to some that I was planning to lose weight, there was apparently discomfort that I had made such a choice.
Moreover, I did not discuss just how much weight I intended to lose, because that was no one else’s business except for me and my doctor. Looking back, perhaps it would have been better if I had simply stated a number, even though I did not have a number in mind.
The world in which I worked during that time became closed. I watched as people stared at me with curious and suspicious eyes. I listened as people made side comments about me. I answered as people kept asking me, “haven’t you lost enough now?” or “why are you still losing weight?”
And then there were the painful rumours regarding eating disorders and even my sexuality. It was a truly discouraging time. I often felt alone; and between having fibromyalgia and being the only Black clinician on staff as well as the only art therapist, I often felt misunderstood.
My studio space became a place of refuge during the last year of my weight loss. I watched as people, who were once willing to speak with me or were friendly with me, stop interacting with me. And, in all honesty, the decision to move to Italy came at the right time as who I had been no longer was. The new person did not fit in with my old world.
So, why have I written about this or about anything else?
Because it was time. Especially as a counselor specializing in eating disorders. You see, even counselors are human. 😉 Even we struggle with our bodies, including food concerns, weight and body image.
It is a strange paradox about the world of psychology. As a counselor you are expected to help others in overcoming their problems. At the same time, however, it is seemingly frowned upon by peers if you have problems of your own.
This Cold Hard Floor: II, watercolour and ink painting by Diedré M. Blake, 2006
some of us feel that there is a need to be invincible. That there is a need to hide what hurts us, to hide our struggles, to hide our true selves. We walk about attempting to be the tabula rasa (blank slate) for everyone, including our peers…and it just doesn’t work.
There is a reason why…
many of us, who were once bright and shining candles, finally burnout.
There is always a reason why…
I write about this, as well as the previous blog post, to write the truth about a topic for which I held tremendous fear: my weight loss.
I write because I believe that it is the job a therapist to be human and to show his or her client that there is always a path to be found out of the difficulties of life, not just via book lessons but through setting the example by how we live our own lives and how we take care of ourselves.
Toward the within... 