Hitachinaka. It’s another lovely spring-like winter day. It was also the continuation of hair day–if you don’t know what I mean, check out this post about wash
weekend day for natural hair by NaturallyCurly.com.
I finally finished rebraiding my hair around 10:30 a.m., just in time to make an 11:00 a.m. knitting time at Starbucks with a friend…except I am crocheting today. Strangely enough, although I am a little sleep deprived from dealing with my hair, I am feeling pretty energized and managed to get a few rows completed while we were together.
Still, my hair-washing-blanket-making day isn’t my reason for writing today.
I started the morning as I ended the night before: watching a number of videos on narcissism. This morning I watched a documentary, Surviving Narcissists and Psychopaths: Narcissistic Abuse, produced by Aletta Meijer.
I enjoyed and related to the documentary on many levels. And I would recommend it to anyone who has experienced or is experiencing narcissistic abuse. It features the story of three people (two women and one man) who have experienced abusive relationships with people who may have exhibited grandiose narcissistic traits moreso than vulnerable narcissistic traits.
Of course, I use the word may because the documentary implies rather than overtly states that these people displaying abusive behaviours were grandiose narcissists. Although the documentary, in its entirety, was informative and truly inspiring, I was most interested in the latter part.
Towards the end of the video, the interviewees discussed why they were attracted to the people who were abusive to them. The women both reported that they grew up in homes were there was, at least, one narcissistic parent.
From my understanding, for both women it was their mothers. The man reported that he did not grow up in an abusive household, which rendered him naïve as he had always been a trusting person…now, he is less so.
Some years ago, I encountered a person who opened my eyes to the reality of narcissism…and narcissistic abuse. Although I understood, diagnostically, the traits of narcissism, I had never encountered the reality of it until the moment I allowed that person in my life…or so I thought.
To say that that person tried their best to destroy my self-esteem would be accurate. However, I have no intention of discussing the details here as my experience fits the recognised pattern of narcissistic abuse.
For a long time, after that experience, I often felt anger towards that person and myself. Over the past five years, however, I have worked to understand, not only that relationship, but all of my relationships…and the root cause for my having chosen and accepted that person into my life.
It led me back to…
Childhood. It may seem cliché that the root of many of our issues lie in our past, specifically, to the time when we had no control over our lives. Of course, whether you focus on the past, present, or future, in my opinion, the most important thing is working towards self-acceptance while improving self and finding resolution for past issues within self.
Without going into details, I can say that I learned that, for the majority of my life, I have been surrounded by people who have displayed both grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic traits. I was raised in a highly narcissistic, and thus toxic, environment.
Being the product of such a family system was the reason I decided to become a mental health counselor…because I wanted to fix whatever was broken in my own family. I wanted to save my parents who could never see their children as anything but extensions of themselves, trophies to be displayed…or garbage to be discarded. I wanted to save my older sisters who were suffering from internalizing the abuse and addiction they witnessed and suffered.
Little did I realize that that goal I made for myself at the age of twelve would lead me to exhibiting codependent traits and trying to save the many narcissistically inclined people I attracted into my life.
More importantly, it lead me to this point of learning that…
the only person that I can save is myself…
Coincidentally, or perhaps not, the year that I met that person was also when I woke up, through therapy, to fact that I had chosen a career not for myself but in response to my family. I had forgotten about that promise I made at age twelve. All I believed was that I was good at understanding others and longed to help young people, especially girls, overcome trauma.
That revelation shook me to the core. Fully waking up to the idea that the career I had chosen might not be what I truly wanted to have was devastating.
It took almost seven years of self-healing to understand that I still would have chosen a field in which I could help others to learn about themselves and the world. Also, I am glad I chose psychology, more specifically, expressive therapy, as it helped me to create the me I am now.
What I thought was a short-term abusive experience with someone who displayed narcissistic traits turned into a journey of self-healing through confronting myself and my past. It isn’t a journey that I would recommend to take alone. Finding a competent therapist whose therapeutic approach matches your needs is key, in my opinion.
Well, this has been quite the long post. If you read this far, thank you. Also, if you haven’t, thank you for reading some of it. If you are my sibling, thank you and I love you–the journey continues, so let’s always do the best that we can in each moment of our lives. If you are my parent, I love you as you are and thank you for whatever you could and did do that ultimately benefited me.