- Finally, men over 35 are perhaps more ready (read here: financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically… hopefully) to not only seriously consider marriage, but to also follow through with putting a ring on your finger the actual wedding day…
I cannot credit “Ask a Guy” Eric Charles’ responses with providing me with all these lessons. I also learned a great deal in talking with friends and clients. I listened to what was going well in their relationships and what was not working as they would like.
I also took the time to read a
free kindle book (well, it is no longer free, but reasonably priced) on Amazon.com titled Master Dating: 52 Brilliant Ideas by Lisa Helmanis. This book gives a wonderfully practical and accessible approach to examining and changing your behavioural patterns in your relationships with men.
As I generally am a just-rip-the-bandaid-off sort of person, I appreciate the author’s directness and clean style of writing. The book covers issues from self-esteem to dating older/younger men. My favourite chapters (almost all…) are:
Where are you at?
Too much information
Facing the facts
If you meet this man, run
Keeping the boyfriend box clear
Putting the past where it belongs
Why men love bitches
The big freeze
The phone stops ringing
Breaking up is hard to do
Getting over rejection
How to make anyone want you
Are we there yet
Yes, there are actually other chapters 😉
So, what have I learned? First, writing about men is difficult for me and second, I enjoyed keeping this promise.
No really, what I have actually learned is that like women, men (generally speaking here) want to be in relationships with someone who is whole. What I mean by that is that they want to be with women, who have health self-esteems, have full and happy lives, and who understand the balance and value of give and take AND space and togetherness in their relationships.
Eric Charles says that men enjoy the chase (I think this was one of the hunter-gatherer references…) So, allow men to DO things for you, rather than you doing things for them. Allow them to WORK for the relationship… You know, in the past I think we called this courting.
He says, “…it’s very important to get fulfillment, entertainment and love from many different areas of your life, not just from one lone man.
Also, having a full and fulfilling life makes it much easier for you to extend only as much effort towards the relationship as he’s extending.
… whenever you put effort into a relationship with someone, you are investing in them. Whenever they put effort in, they are investing in you. If you are waiting by the phone for him to call and to make time for you, then you’re probably the only one doing the investing.”
Lisa Helmanis says that women should give to men what is appropriate to the status of the relationship. So, don’t start by giving to men every possible gift that you can, otherwise what can you do to top yourself? Holding back giving the best parts of yourself at the beginning means that you have more of yourself to offer later…
She says, “Now think of yourself as an expensive wine, give your next man too much, too soon and you’ll make him drunk with excitement, a bit unsteady on his feet, and then eventually sick at the very sniff of you. Dole out your loving nectar in well measured portions. You need to give him the chance to savour every mouthful, and be excited about anticipating the next.”
Perhaps thinking about yourself as something to be consumed might not be your ideal metaphor… So, she also says this,
“Be aware that anything that comes too easy doesn’t seem valuable.”
Until next time!